Interesting what ds29 said to me tonight

[cfh]

I told my son that dh and I are taking the Family Connections course and how much we like it. 

He is in jail as you know.  He told me tonight "mom I know you are taking that course and I appreciate that you want to learn more about me but could you please go back to sounding like yourself when you talk to me."

Oops... .  I guess I'm being too obvious, or he is too smart, or I have to tone it down, or I am coming across as too validating and he's not buying it!

I want to sound authentic when I speak to him and I really do feel like I have learned a better way to communicate.  But I guess the words are not coming out right.

Any tips?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

cfh,

Your son's words could have come straight from my son's mouth.  Almost spookily similar!  Oddly, it makes me laugh.

My son used to tell me to just be myself.  I think he saw through me totally. 

Reality

[cfh]

Reality

In some ways they are so wise, so smart and they pick up on things.  I've learned so much ( and I use it with my nonBPD son with great success!)

But I need to learn how to use the right language with ds29.  I guess he's on to me.  We need to talk this out.

But I did laugh when he said that to me and he laughed too... .  he told me to stop being goofy!

[Reality]

cfh,

My son told me that he didn't have BPD or DBT or PMS!  They do see through a lot of the nonsense, yet they can't manage not to trip themselves up! 

I guess they just want real, everyday mothers.  So unaware that their choices turn us into unreal, spooked-out mothers just  trying to get back into being real and everyday.

So evolved... .  so unaware... .  

Reality

[cfh]

Reality

I think our boys would have gotten a kick out of each other.

Your friend

cfh

[lbjnltx]

For me, when I got past the "practice" phase and absorbed validation and active listening into myself, it became part of who I am ... .  not just something I "do"... .  then it is authentic.

Your tone of voice and slight changes in verbiage will relax as you become more comfortable with the skills.  Our kids are very very perceptive... .  hypervigilant is their authentic state.

 

[qcarolr]

Being in a place of sincerely feeling non-judgemental and not giving advice - this was and is the hardest part of validation for me. It does get better as we do it until it becomes part of our nature - when we no longer have to pause and THINK of what we need to say. When the listening is there and the understanding has a flow. My DD's favorite response has been "mom, stop being a therapist". I haven't heard this from her recently.

qcr

[Kate4queen]

Interesting, my son can detect the slightest hint of me trying to validate him as well, but then I can't say anything right these days... .  

[qcarolr]

Interesting, my son can detect the slightest hint of me trying to validate him as well, but then I can't say anything right these days... .  

The key word in your reply, for me anyway, is "hint of me trying". Being able to communicate with my DD26 happens when I am in a place to BE validating with her, not TRYING to be. And it only works when she is also in a place to be receptive. When either or both of us are feeling in any way unsafe within ourselves then a conversation is very limited. This is how our brains work.

qcr  

[cfh]

I get it now.  At the moment I am "trying" and "practicing" but soon it will become just the way I think and communicate.

I need to work on really listening to ds.

[qcarolr]

I get it now.  At the moment I am "trying" and "practicing" but soon it will become just the way I think and communicate.

I need to work on really listening to ds.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders