Another cycle

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello ---

The last thread I started was on Monday and I was feeling optimistic because my uBPDh from whom I am separated and I had been through a really good period.  Talking a lot, reading together (The High Conflict Couple), spending more time together.  I'd also told him I think he has BPD traits and why - that was when he said he'd read with me.  I shouldn't have posted so soon - - because he had a swing and dysregulated early Tuesday morning after I posted on Monday.

Anyway, after he yelled and swore at me on the phone Tuesday night, he gave me the silent treatment until last night (Thursday).  Well, I guess he texted a couple of times - 1) sent me a pic of his left hand with wedding band on after he told me he'd thrown it out the window (yes, he's in his 40s... .  ) and 2) told me I deserve better and I should move on.  I handled it pretty well - it hurt but I was able to detach more so than in the past.  So I cried Tuesday night and a little on Wednesday morning but was pretty functional otherwise. Feeling hurt and sadness is an improvement over anger, which was my go-to emotion.

So, he called me last night and said he loves me and misses me.  We have plans to spend tomorrow, go to the gym, read together, stuff like that.  He wanted to come over tonight but I could tell he'd been drinking so I told him I'd rather wait until tomorrow.  I like him, as well as love him - can't say I want to live this way for the rest of my life, but I'm still willing to be patient and see what happens for a while.

Daze

[daze]

Hello ---

The last thread I started was on Monday and I was feeling optimistic because my uBPDh from whom I am separated and I had been through a really good period.  Talking a lot, reading together (The High Conflict Couple), spending more time together.  I'd also told him I think he has BPD traits and why - that was when he said he'd read with me.  I shouldn't have posted so soon - - because he had a swing and dysregulated early Tuesday morning after I posted on Monday.

Anyway, after he yelled and swore at me on the phone Tuesday night, he gave me the silent treatment until last night (Thursday).  Well, I guess he texted a couple of times - 1) sent me a pic of his left hand with wedding band on after he told me he'd thrown it out the window (yes, he's in his 40s... .  ) and 2) told me I deserve better and I should move on.  I handled it pretty well - it hurt but I was able to detach more so than in the past.  So I cried Tuesday night and a little on Wednesday morning but was pretty functional otherwise. Feeling hurt and sadness is an improvement over anger, which was my go-to emotion.

So, he called me last night and said he loves me and misses me.  We have plans to spend tomorrow, go to the gym, read together, stuff like that.  He wanted to come over tonight but I could tell he'd been drinking so I told him I'd rather wait until tomorrow.  I like him, as well as love him - can't say I want to live this way for the rest of my life, but I'm still willing to be patient and see what happens for a while.

Daze

[tuum est61]

Hi daze

It's very difficult to be cycled like this.

I'm in a down cycle myself since I've travelled to my sisters for her 50th.  My W has alienated herself from my FOO abd shes convinced I'm checking out old girlfriends in my hometown.  Can you say object constancy?   

It is hard to imagine continuing to deal with the cycling - the whole abnormality of it. While we can accept it for periods of time, can we do so in the long term? Lately I've become aware of how predictable my W's dysregulation is and am feeling more frustrated about that knowledge than the actions themselves.

Without diagnosis and counseling focused specifically on the BPD, we cannot expect our pwBPD to change - and with the ups and downs we are feeling - it's hard to think we will ever move past "undecided".

For me this is the unanswered/unanswerable question in my quest to find peace with the BPD that has become part of my life.

[arabella]

Daze,

I think you're doing really well. I admit that I might have caved when he first called and I admire that you stuck to your boundaries and told him you'd see him the next day instead - good for you!

So many of the things you've written sound SO familiar to me. The constant push-pull/cycling is exhausting, isn't it? And that's the thing - how long can I do this? But I keep thinking that maybe there's hope... .  Like you, my dBPDh agreed to start reading and therapy to change things, so that really bolstered things for me. But then he crashed. So, again similar to you, for now I'm staying but undecided as to how long. To be honest, the not knowing is wearing me down - now I'm struggling emotionally with myself too.

tuum est61 - what do you mean when you say you are more frustrated by realizing the predicability of your W's dysregulation than by the actions themselves?

[almost789]

See... .  I said he would come back up. Yay for you guys! Didn't you tell him he had BPD?

[tuum est61]

tuum est61 - what do you mean when you say you are more frustrated by realizing the predicability of your W's dysregulation than by the actions themselves?

I know how to handle her dysregulation, can predict when it will happen, but knowing I can deal with it is almost depressing - where to from here?

[arabella]

tuum est61 - so, tell me if this is right... .  You're depressed by the idea that it's become so normalized. Like an endless loop.

I'm not that far advanced (i.e. I haven't developed those skills yet), but if that's what you mean then I definitely see where you're coming from. I don't want to say it's hopeless, but it sure seems that way sometimes... .  There has to be a way out, right?

[tuum est61]

Arabella,

Yeah, normalized abnormality.  

Don't get me wrong - what I have now is a much better place - it's a place we all need to get to - whether staying or leaving. It's important that we move from the reactions that make things worse to the responses that make things better.

Even though our living arrangements are different - I'm still living with my W - I feel Daze has caught on quickly but sense she is experiencing similar feelings as me.

I don't want to hijack her thread any more than I have so I will ponder this elsewhere - perhaps under Personal Inventory. I am interested in finding my way out of this spot, yes.

[fakename]

hey daze,

was wondering how the day with your husband went?

hope youre well

[daze]

Tuum, Arabella, LifeGoesOn, and Fakename --

Thanks so much for the encouragement.  I truly appreciate it.  He's here and I couldn't sleep so I stopped in for a quick peek.  You guys brought up some good points and thoughts that deserve more thought than my brain is capable of right now. So, I will write back tomorrow when I am awake.

LGO, yes, I told H I think he has BPD traits and he hasn't talked about it other than to say he'd read with me.  It wasn't an in-depth conversation.  It was actually like a side note, but it's out there. This cycle didn't appear to be related to that, but I could be wrong. It really seemed to be related to his out of state daughter's 21 bday - he has a thing about bdays, anniversaries of different things, holidays, and vacations, which I'm still learning.

H and I had a good day - he was tired and had muscle aches so we skipped the gym and went to the health food store, mall, and seafood restaurant.  We pretty much picked up where we left off though we talked some about the "argument" as he called it. I apologized for a couple of my responses that were less than validating - I'm less than perfect in applying the tools at this stage. And he said I blame him for everything and he didn't apologize.  Talking about the argument, brief as was, didn't drag out or damage the day.

And, no worries about thread hijacking.  I'm all for spurring the conversation wherever it ends up.   

More later ---

Daze

[arabella]

Daze,

Thank you for the update - I've been wondering how things were going! Looking forward to your next post here too.

Can I ask you about your H's issues re holidays/bdays/etc? I'm asking because my H has a major problem with those too, but I thought it was just him, and now I'm wondering if there's more to it. This has been a bit of a sore spot in the past for us (I love bdays/holidays!) so I would really appreciate any insight you may have from your own experience.

And thank you for sharing your thread with us! 

[daze]

Good evening!

Had a busy day preparing for a winter storm.  Funny how they name them now.  This one is Rocky. 

No, it is not easy dealing with the cycles and being undecided.  It wears me out during the bad times.  Then the good times are wonderful except for wondering when the axe will drop again, which inevitably it will.

I'm in a down cycle myself since I've travelled to my sisters for her 50th.  My W has alienated herself from my FOO abd shes convinced I'm checking out old girlfriends in my hometown.  Can you say object constancy?   

Yes, object constancy! And, in the case with many pwBPD though not necessarily your wife, PROJECTION! I can totally identify with this, but I think he's finally realized that I am not interested in other men and that I'm trustworthy.

I like the "normalized abnormality" that Tuum and Arabella came up with. Very well describes the whole deal.  It is sad to be a part of so much dysfunction though I agree with Tuum that it gets better as we stop making it worse - and for me this is a work in progress.

The predictability of my husband's swings in some ways makes it a little easier, I think.  Before I figured out what was going on it drove my codependent self CRAZY.  Now, even though I can't control it, at least I have an idea how it will play out. 

Arabella, I haven't figured out H's issues with bdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.  Maybe it's just a coincidence that he tends to dissociate, drink more, or dysregulate more around holidays.  Guess plenty of people get depressed around the holidays.  It could just be related to his swings/cycles. 

Like you, I love birthdays and holidays and go all out so it surprised me at first. For example, he ignored my bday last year - no card, nothing.  We'd only been married a month or so.  I was disappointed and told him I expect some type of recognition/celebration for birthdays, etc. I'm not a materialistic person and a card, homemade cake, nice dinner work for me. He celebrated my birthday with me this year and it was really nice.  We also had a good first anniversary.

Another example - he refused to spend his birthday or recent holidays with me. I'd just started therapy, boundaries, etc.  He returned the gifts I gave him and his little kiddos (second marriage). Yet, he ended up coming to my house on Christmas night and New Year's day.  I gave him the gifts again and he took them home.

There are other examples.

He seems to get stressed and/or depressed around his FOO.  He's been stressed out when his daughter visits from out of state (three times since I met him) - his daughter with his first wife who was his high school sweetheart. He seems okay around my family.  His parents passed away - his dad when H was 13 and him mom about four years ago - and he's had a lot of loss in his life.

He's kind of like my mom in this regard, she and I share a birthday and she frequently acts out act on our bday and says ugly things and breaks plans.  She's also bad about weddings.  Some holidays she's okay and others she's not so okay. She got strong narcissistic traits.

I don't know what it is.  Maybe he feels he doesn't deserve a nice time.  Maybe he wants to punish me or whoever.  Maybe it's just coincidence or part of his swings/cycles.

Someone started a pretty funny thread about vacations and pwBPD,  We had interesting vacation experiences last summer too... .  

I'm beat.  Good night!

Daze