How do you deal with being blamed for everything that is wrong?

[lemonpc]

The morning started out as usually.  Getting ready for church and coffee hour.  Myself and hubby doing all the work while D gets up, eats and does nothing.  Very frustrating.  Church, home and then a big blow up about a missing screwdriver.  D had it yesterday in her room and now can't find it.  My fault.  I want to just walk out and say the heck with it.  Try to explain I didn't use it, I don't have it and I didn't have it.   It's just these little things right now that are driving me crazy.  Hubby handles it better.  He doesn't let the word cut through him, they just flow right off his back.  I wish I could do that.  I hate this disease... .    Daughter is 21, but emotionally about 13.  Thanx for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

I know that feeling all too well.  When DD is in a mood everything in the world is my fault.  I also get to the point of just wanting to walk out.  I don't usually let her know that it is bothering me but deep inside it is.  Sometimes her words can be extremely cutting and hurtful and it makes me so sad.  Yes I hate this disease also.

I know that didn't help much but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Griz

[StrugglingMom76]

Only thing I can offer is that I know how you feel. My DD blames for everything to, from not giving her enough attention to telling everyone she is the way she is because I have beat and abused her. All total lies  

[lemonpc]

Thanx Griz,  It's nice to know you are not the only one dealing with this.  I have not yet been able to just let it hide inside and deal with it when I am alone.  Working on that though.  Been going outside when no one is around and screaming.  Seems to help a little.

[lemonpc]

I am blamed most of the time for everything that happens.  I just don't get it, especially when it's right there in front of her face.   Sorry to hear that yours is accusing of beating.  That has got to really hurt.

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, I know! It is so frustrating to be a constant target... .  I think the next book someone writes on BPD should be titled "It's all your fault!" I think all of us close family members get blamed so often, and it is just not fair. But it is what it is - BPD. Sending a  your way.

The morning started out as usually.  Getting ready for church and coffee hour.  Myself and hubby doing all the work while D gets up, eats and does nothing.  Very frustrating.  Church, home and then a big blow up about a missing screwdriver.  D had it yesterday in her room and now can't find it.  My fault.  I want to just walk out and say the heck with it.  Try to explain I didn't use it, I don't have it and I didn't have it.

I think there are two sides to our frustration in a situation like this: one is the hurt you feel - being accused, and the other is trying to figure out a good way to respond.

Have you tried validating her feelings without accepting the blame or trying to rescue her? It is a very natural thing for us to try to explain ourselves and defend ourselves, but with people with BPD that usually doesn't seem to work... .  

There are some very good books out there teaching validating and communication with people who have BPD. One I really like is: "Loving Someone with BPD" by Shari Manning.

The other part of feeling hurt is a hard one to deal with, since our loved ones hold the strings to our hearts and their words can cut deep... .  But since you go to church, there is also the good news that our value does not come from what others think of us, but that our value comes from who we are in God's eyes. We are precious to Him, and ultimately, that's what matters. It is difficult sometimes to confidently hold onto that truth when we are being attacked. And that is where the values-based boundaries come into play - we need to protect our personal well-being, so we can stay strong and reach out to help others.

Hope this helps a bit... .  Thinking of you.    That feeling of just wanting to walk away is so familiar. Do you have anyone around you, you can talk to about these things? It can be very helpful sometimes to have someone who will listen. In any case, this is a good place to talk and we are here to listen, and support you.

[vivekananda]

hi lemon   

yeah, been there done that... .  you are definitely not alone. I never knew till I came to this place how comforting it was to know I was not alone.   

pessi-o is right, it is frustrating and so hurtful. But we want to shrug off negative emotions. And the way to begin that is to learn as much as we can to help us deal better with our situation. One of our best tools to do this is validation.

I haven't read Manning's book, but I did start my best learning with Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming BPD" it is a really good book for parents, direct, straightfoward and easy to read. It has a chapter on validation.

Wherever you start, I do recommend that coming to grips with what validation means is a way forward and away from negative emotions.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[lemonpc]

Thank you all for such good advise.  There is really no one to talk to.  I try to talk to hubby, but I think he is getting tired of it and just wants to make everything fine.  I am working on the validating part, but gosh is that hard.   Unfortunately I can be very sarcastic as my way of survival.  I know that doesn't work, but it just comes out.   I need to have a little angel on my shoulder that tells me what to say at the right time!  I never can seem to remember in the heat of the discussion what the right way to say it was.  Oh well, I am not going to give up on me or my daughter. Very calming to know there are those to talk to and with.

[lemonpc]

In these books you speak of, do they have lists of how to say things?  What to say about certain situations?  What to say so they "get it"?   Or is there a list on here where I can start to learn?  Oh this is so hard.

[qcarolr]

lemonpc

This book does have lots of lists in it. It is a good 'primer' on validation. It is a great reference book.

https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/gary_lundberg.htm

Valerie Porr's book does a really good job explaining using valadation with your pwBPD, as well as lots of other very current information from research base and practical ways to connect and support the pwBPD in your life.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128777.40

Hope these book reviews are helpful.

qcr  

[jellibeans]

lemon

I just wanted to tell you how happy you have found the right board... .  I have been out of town and just got back and I was worried when my links were not working for you... .  

I think Valerie Porr's book is the best! It has really helped me... .  the blame game is pretty typical with BPD... .  I know I really found that frustrating but once I realized it was the disorder talking I think I was better able to deal with it... .  trying to keep calm is something I really try to do... .  you have gotten a lot of advise here... .  keep posting

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi,

qcr gave you a reference to Lundbergs' work. They have a list of things you can say at hand. That is good to start with. You can refine your responses later.

It is helpful to remember that pwBPD's emotions are angry, frustrated, sad usually. So you can use them to start with. eg 'you sound angry', 'that is frustrating', 'that seems sad'... .  try to keep it simple. If anger levels rise to say 5 out of 10, that's when you need to have a boundary in place to call off the conversation and to resume it when anger is less. It is suggested that if anger is at 5 out of 10 or more, then the person cannot control themselves to calm down, so there is no point trying to continue.

The best way for me to learn was with my reading and learning from what others said here... and then I started to practise - on strangers at first! So, keep on posting, ask questions, give us examples to give you feedback on. We all struggle with learning about validation. And we are all here to support each other.   

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

It is helpful to remember that pwBPD's emotions are angry, frustrated, sad usually. So you can use them to start with. eg 'you sound angry', 'that is frustrating', 'that seems sad'... .  try to keep it simple. If anger levels rise to say 5 out of 10, that's when you need to have a boundary in place to call off the conversation and to resume it when anger is less. It is suggested that if anger is at 5 out of 10 or more, then the person cannot control themselves to calm down, so there is no point trying to continue.

I was just reading somewhere ( one of these books - wish I could remember which one  ) that validation is only half the sentence - the boundary for when it is not going to work is the other half.  And, wow, is that a hard to one to do when my DD26 is moving up the chaos scale and demanding the I stay "and work on it". Which means, agree with her. I sometimes have to say - I am leaving until we can both be more calm - them go. It used to take a day or two, as things have gotten better (and I am more consistent with ability to be validating and connected - my bad habit is withdrawal and avoidance or breaking down into a pool of tears) we can come back together in the same day often.

Have patience with yourself - I first read the Lundberg book a couple years ago, maybe even 3 years. Still need a refresher on a regular basis.

qcr