Non romantic "replacements"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I noticed many people on here report that their exs with BPD had a romantic "replacement"  lined up before actually leaving the first relationship. Someone "waiting in the wings".

My ex wife had someone and certain activities waiting in the wings as well, though not romantic in nature.

She started volunteering as a "Brownie" leader.  Btw, Brownies are girls aged about 6-8 who take part in certain activities, such as camping, hiking, and crafts.  At first I thought it was an excellent idea.  My wife was always good with children.

Then my ex wife signed up to be a "Pathfinders" leader.  This is similar to "Brownies" only the girls are a bit older (early teens).  My ex has told me that girl guiding had become her hobby, her JOB (even though it doesn't pay anything) and her "religion".  It was so all encompassing that I found myself very lonely, with a lot of spare time on my hands.

Her co-leader at Brownies was a woman named "Beth".  Beth is a very good singer and actress who appears in local amateur theatre here.  My ex began to idealize Beth to a ridiculous extreme, and to devalue me.   My ex wife said to me, "I can't believe that someone as super talented as Beth is actually my best friend."  To be honest, that felt upsetting to me, her husband, who was previously considered to be her "best friend".

My ex basically became a servant to Beth, buying up tickets to all of Beth's plays and distributing them to the mothers of the Brownies and Pathfinders.  When Beth went to sing in a night club one night, my wife was there with a video camera.  Before she started singing her serious material, Beth dedicated a cute Brownie song to my ex wife:

There's something in my pocket that belongs upon my face,

So I keep it very close to me in a most convenient place.

You'll never ever guess it if you guess a long long while,

So I'll take it out and put it on it's a great big Brownie smile!

Cute and a very nice gesture.  To my ex wife, however, this was proof that she was special, just as attention from me was once proof that she was special.  My ex sent this part of the video to everyone she knew, as a way of saying look at how great MY friend is.

The transition from me to Beth was seamless.  One day I was asked to accompany my ex wife to a medical procedure that she found distressing.  I was surprised to find out that Beth was invited as well.  Soon my wife needed only Beth for these types of situations and I was no longer necessary.

Beth was recently divorced herself and as my wife began to mirror Beth she became more and more convinced that divorce was the way to handle our marital difficulties.  Communication with my ex wife went something like this:

If I had a question, etc. for my wife I asked my mother, who then asked Beth, who then may or may not ask my ex. 

Another activity that dominated time and resources was the sponsorship of a family in the Dominican Republic.  This started out as sending $30 a month to sponsor one young girl.  Soon it became sponsorship of the little girl's two sisters as well.  Then they all needed private english lessons, acting classes, a private school uniform and tuition.  We couldn't afford all of this, and I wonder how my ex wife is affording it now.

The last thing my ex ever said to me was ":)on't you realize that I put everyone ahead of myself?"  I said "Ummm", as I thought of the beatings and rages I had endured and wondered if those were examples of putting everyone ahead of herself.   She said, "If you don't agree then you never really knew me at all."  Then she hung up.

Has anyone else here been "replaced" by a friend or by obsessive activities?

 

[Scott44]

I noticed many people on here report that their exs with BPD had a romantic "replacement"  lined up before actually leaving the first relationship. Someone "waiting in the wings".

My ex wife had someone and certain activities waiting in the wings as well, though not romantic in nature.

She started volunteering as a "Brownie" leader.  Btw, Brownies are girls aged about 6-8 who take part in certain activities, such as camping, hiking, and crafts.  At first I thought it was an excellent idea.  My wife was always good with children.

Then my ex wife signed up to be a "Pathfinders" leader.  This is similar to "Brownies" only the girls are a bit older (early teens).  My ex has told me that girl guiding had become her hobby, her JOB (even though it doesn't pay anything) and her "religion".  It was so all encompassing that I found myself very lonely, with a lot of spare time on my hands.

Her co-leader at Brownies was a woman named "Beth".  Beth is a very good singer and actress who appears in local amateur theatre here.  My ex began to idealize Beth to a ridiculous extreme, and to devalue me.   My ex wife said to me, "I can't believe that someone as super talented as Beth is actually my best friend."  To be honest, that felt upsetting to me, her husband, who was previously considered to be her "best friend".

My ex basically became a servant to Beth, buying up tickets to all of Beth's plays and distributing them to the mothers of the Brownies and Pathfinders.  When Beth went to sing in a night club one night, my wife was there with a video camera.  Before she started singing her serious material, Beth dedicated a cute Brownie song to my ex wife:

There's something in my pocket that belongs upon my face,

So I keep it very close to me in a most convenient place.

You'll never ever guess it if you guess a long long while,

So I'll take it out and put it on it's a great big Brownie smile!

Cute and a very nice gesture.  To my ex wife, however, this was proof that she was special, just as attention from me was once proof that she was special.  My ex sent this part of the video to everyone she knew, as a way of saying look at how great MY friend is.

The transition from me to Beth was seamless.  One day I was asked to accompany my ex wife to a medical procedure that she found distressing.  I was surprised to find out that Beth was invited as well.  Soon my wife needed only Beth for these types of situations and I was no longer necessary.

Beth was recently divorced herself and as my wife began to mirror Beth she became more and more convinced that divorce was the way to handle our marital difficulties.  Communication with my ex wife went something like this:

If I had a question, etc. for my wife I asked my mother, who then asked Beth, who then may or may not ask my ex. 

Another activity that dominated time and resources was the sponsorship of a family in the Dominican Republic.  This started out as sending $30 a month to sponsor one young girl.  Soon it became sponsorship of the little girl's two sisters as well.  Then they all needed private english lessons, acting classes, a private school uniform and tuition.  We couldn't afford all of this, and I wonder how my ex wife is affording it now.

The last thing my ex ever said to me was ":)on't you realize that I put everyone ahead of myself?"  I said "Ummm", as I thought of the beatings and rages I had endured and wondered if those were examples of putting everyone ahead of herself.   She said, "If you don't agree then you never really knew me at all."  Then she hung up.

Has anyone else here been "replaced" by a friend or by obsessive activities?

 

[broken but not beaten]

I often felt 'replaced' by ex girls 'friend', I thought it strange how things would turn sour whenever more time was spent with this friend whi I will add was also female. It was as if she had to seek approval from her friend in decisions regarding our r/ship. I'm not sure if you've heard of triangulation (read definition) where there is a persecutor,victim and rescuer but I always felt my ex would play victim,friend would be rescuer and that only leaves one space left for me... yep persecutor. I saw this pattern when we seperated first time and she met another guy,played us both off against each other,just a thought

[Scott44]

broken but not beaten, thanks for your analysis.  Yes I think Beth was placed into the role of rescuer (rescuer had once been MY role).  My ex was the victim of course and yes, that would leave me in the role of persecutor.

[broken but not beaten]

Scott,it hurts like hell but there's nothing you can do but try to live as healthy as you can,I went back after we split for the first time,I had an accident which left me wheelchair bound however my ex returned,I guess in her eyes I was the victim at that point,she adopted the role of rescuer and her friend was the persecutor. Look it up on wikipedia its good knowledge to read on,I think its the karpman triange or drama triangle. Needless to say I'm now back to persecutor after being ejected again. I now try to remain 'neutral' so to speak,its hard but I just try to live my life the best I can,once they triangulate its a rollercoaster of being played againt other people,hope this helps give some understanding from my experiences

[Scott44]

thanks again for your perspective broken but not beaten.  I sure seems to match what I went through.

[Newton]

Hi Scott44... .  an additional dynamic that could also be at play is this woman being a source of secondary "supply". (you being the primary)... .   

Although not a romantic attachment... .  it has become another attachment, with another host to mirror nonetheless... .  

[TheDude]

Same thing here.

Once she's switched into downward spiral mode, she's full time in the internet/Facebook world sifting through her collection of 'virtual friends' for the next target. Usually women, and always someone who is more messed up than she is. They also are people who buy her lifetime victim persona lock, stock and barrel. Of course, it should be no surprise that she's now completely estranged from the previous ones (who she leeched a LOT of money from).

So yes, the triangulation (read definition) does happen without "romance".

[Scott44]

The Dude, wow is that ever spot on with what my ex started doing.  She has "borrowed" money from various people while playing the victim to the hilt.  And when she says "borrowed" it really means "taken" with no chance of repayment.