I allowed it to happen

[jaird]

I sent my ex a link to a website that dealt with BPD type thinking-all or nothing, splitting, all the usual stuff. That was a few days and after a few days of NC. Today she emailed me and asked for the name of the site. I mentioned a few sites, and found that one again, told her the site had tools for working on BPD twisted thinking, and wished her luck. I was courteous but cool. Helpful, but that was all.

We then went into an email exchange that lasted all afternoon and accomplished nothing. She went on and on about her feelings, how I broke her heart (she ended the relationship). She accused me of adding a woman to my Facebook account to provoke her and push her over the edge. Meanwhile I have her blocked on FB, so she obviously has another account. And the woman is someone with mental and physical issues that I feel sorry for, nothing more, nothing less.

Then there was all this revisionist history about how I caused her to divorce, when in reality I advised her not to divorce and told her I was happy just being friends.

More revisionist history about how I should have cut her loose early in the relationship, and how I knew she was in love with me and I just used her for sex. How I should have known she felt this way at this time, and why did it take me several months to fall in love.

I really had no idea what she felt at the beginning of the relationship. To me, she was a person I liked a lot and she came to see me a few times for sex. It was months before I fell in love.

All these emails, 9 or 10 each, back and forth. She refused to discuss any current issues, related to us or family or anything. It was all about her dreams about me, how she is stuck on me, and how hurt she is by me.

I told her that I was moving out of my house. I told her this so she would hear it from me well in advance of it happening, and not hear it from a mutual friend after it happened. I offered to work on our relationship again if she wanted to. She said she could not, she was so hurt. Can't get over me, but better off without me.

I guess my point is, I was just starting to feel better the last week or so. Just starting to deal with the fact that she is gone and not coming back. Just starting to move on with my own life. And now, I feel kind of sad again. I'm sorry she did this to me. I guess I allowed it to happen by continuing to engage her and answer her emails, but I did hold a glimmer of hope that with me separated we could have a "normal" relationship and maybe get back to the good times we shared.

[elessar]

you aren't alone. every word you wrote that she told you has happened to me many times... .  and I am pretty sure to too many others here. but she did ask for the link right? last May my ex had finally asked about BPD after months of explaining to her. it did lead her to see a therapist for a few weeks. it didn't go anywhere but hopefully your ex might take up on it. or maybe she will do what most do and dive into denial after a few weeks. 6 weeks back my ex again broke off and has give me silent treatment since then... .  i did tell her about BPD again... .  no reply. so who knows what your ex will do. but i hope she does take it up. and wish you the best!

[recoil]

You guys are brave.  I never told my EX about BPD traits.  She once asked me if I thought she was crazy.  I merely said I'm not a therapist.  To me, if she truly wants to know "what's wrong", she'll ask a specialist.

I know with all of my heart that if I told her she has BPD traits, she'd twist it around to make it seem like I had it.  Denial runs strong in that family.

Nope.  Not going down that road.  But kudos to you guys for trying.   

[GreenMango]

I've rarely heard telling someone they are crazy working out well.  Shoot I had a hard time just trying to deal with addressing the behavior without uttering the words BPD.

NOYN- Do you think you will want to keep in touch with her and try to work on the relationship with her?  Reason I ask is because in all those things your ex-gf is saying-there's a particular style of communication that can help not make things worse.  Things like SET, DEARMAN, etc... .  or do you think this set of emails is it?

[jaird]

I've rarely heard telling someone they are crazy working out well.  Shoot I had a hard time just trying to deal with addressing the behavior without uttering the words BPD.

NOYN- Do you think you will want to keep in touch with her and try to work on the relationship with her?  Reason I ask is because in all those things your ex-gf is saying-there's a particular style of communication that can help not make things worse.  Things like SET, DEARMAN, etc... .  or do you think this set of emails is it?

Thanks GM, I will read up on SET and DEARMAN, but I really have no hope we could ever have a relationship again. She has gotten much, much worse over the past 8 or 9 months than she ever was before. There is more anger, distortion and even some lying in the last few months. She never lied much early in the relationship. Maybe not at all. She says she is working on herself, and reading up on BPD, but that is because she was home sick today. And I'm pretty sure it's not for our relationship. She is the most pessimistic person I know. Everything is about why things won't work.

I think I have become her punching bag. Her ex husband does not email or text, and won't answer her phone calls. I believe her new relationship did not work out. It was supposed to be an "uncommitted relationship" that was fun. But there is no way she could ever do uncommitted with a man and not go crazy wondering where he was. Either that, or she is doing casual sex with him and it is not clearing her mind of our relationship. In any case, it seems she can't or won't argue with the new man, so that leaves me.