Perceptions...

[thicker skin]

For the past 15 months, my partner has been angry with me for 'my poor boundaries' at work. We've tried and failed at therapy, I just could not understand what he was saying or validate his claims.

One of his issues was that I talked to a colleague about his sex life, at work. I had no recollection of this ( viewed as my denial and mental illness ) and really couldn't see what I had done so wrong. It was brought up in therapy, as one of my awful traits and all I could say was that I haven't... .  I didn't understand what I'd done ... .  And asked him to tell me what I'd said to make him say such things. He kept on repeating his belief, that I discuss sex at work and just screamed over me. It made therapy pointless.

This week, it finally came out. I'd been working on a local property and two builders had been doing the outside work. I knew one of them from childhood. He'd told us that his wife was going on holiday with her friend ( I immediately thought how impossible that would be for me ) and asked him if he was okay with that? Wasn't he worried that she might sleep around ( said with my tongue in my cheek ) ... .  His response was that if she was going to, she would, but he trusted her and hoped she had a great time.

To me, I didn't do anything wrong. I had what I'd perceive to be a normal bit of banter at work. To my SO, I have no idea how to behave, disrespected him and only talk about sex at work. Am I missing something? Did I really give him reason to be angry with me for so long and interpret me so harshly?

TH x

[blecker]

Did I really give him reason to be angry with me for so long and interpret me so harshly?

Doesn't sound like it from what you've wrote.

He sounds extremely insecure at the very least.

All we can do is tell the Truth as we know it. What anyone does with it is up to them. The Truth can cut a swath through your heart or set you free but it cannot be changed.

In the end it is what we are willing to put up with. If someone warps Truth to suit their disturbed sick agendas, then we are tested with acceptance.

It's up to you thicker, not him in what you accept in your life.

[schwing]

Hi thicker skin,

I don't think the behavior you described is at all unreasonable.

You might consider that your BPD loved one is just trying to make sense out of his disordered feelings.  He is dealing with a disordered fear of abandonment.  The closer he feels towards you, the more these disordered feelings will come to overwhelm him.  And if he can't accept that his feelings are the problem, he will choose to blame you for his feelings.

So if he *feels* like you are planning to abandon him, then he will look for any tiny piece of "evidence" to justify his disordered feelings.  So innocuous banter between you and a co-worker become "poor boundaries at work" in his mind.

My understanding is that one of the big benefits for pwBPD for being in a relationship is to always have someone to be the scapegoat for their disordered feelings and thoughts.

Best wishes, Schwing

[thicker skin]

Thanks chaps.

Schwing? You've wrapped it up nicely. I've long since felt that he was looking for excuse after excuse as to why he shouldn't be in a relationship with me ( although we are, just not a healthy one ). In making me responsible for his unwillingness to behave in a more positive and healthy way, he is avoiding accountability and giving himself licence to continue on his path.

His scapegoats have switched over the years. First it was his parents and how their divorce affected him. Then it was his boss. Then it was his ex gf and her family. Now it's me, my family and my behaviour.

I can't quite get to grips with how far he has gone to ensure that I remain in his life, whilst simultaneously doing everything he can to push me out of it. He needs me to understand what a disgusting, deviant little tramp I am and take responsibility for it, so that he can maintian his beliefs and justify his treatment of me. I no longer have the capacity to do that, which is how the status quo tipped. I changed. I questioned his logic and defended my integrity.

There is only one correct opinion and that is his. Anybody else who doesn't agree with him is mental and needs therapy. He can do as he wishes and has more rights than the Tory Party, but should any other mortal exercise theirs, they are trying to control him, victimise him or abuse him. Little does he realise how much of himself he imposes upon others... .