Is any one else tired of validation only going one way?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've learned a lot of lessons on this website for how to deal with the BPD people in my life, and have put most of them into practice.  With time, the rages have improved.  I was just wondering if anyone else gets tired of having to constantly validate their pwBPD, without ever getting any validation in return?  I carefully acknowledge everything they say, but they never seem to absorb, or respond to my comments.  It wears me down sometimes.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I've learned a lot of lessons on this website for how to deal with the BPD people in my life, and have put most of them into practice.  With time, the rages have improved.  I was just wondering if anyone else gets tired of having to constantly validate their pwBPD, without ever getting any validation in return?  I carefully acknowledge everything they say, but they never seem to absorb, or respond to my comments.  It wears me down sometimes.

[Somewhere]

My acronym for the condition is HOT.

(H being Mrs. Somewhere's first letter of her name)

HOT stands for "H" Only Takes.

Basically a User.

So what's your problem, Pins&Needles?  About Used Up?

[Clearmind]

Its unfortunately the nature of BPD and something we need to accept - harsh reality!

It is hard not to get emotional and worn down - we need to find ways to detach to these episodes.

Can you provide an example of an event where you used validation?

[hithere]

return?

When I was deciding to stay or leave I weighed our give and take and not only did she take and give almost nothing, she also gave rage, chaos and crazziness in boatloads!

I think if you want to stay you have to settle for crumbs.

[atcrossroads]

Yes, I was worn down to a frazzled nub by the time I finally left.  It is physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining.

[Gimme Peace]

It's especially hard when you know you are the one validating, and they don't, but TELL you they are "always trying to please", "giving everything and getting nothing in return" etc.

They have no clue about being supportive or caring.

Yeah, I feel used up.

[Mike_confused]

All the statements above are accurate.  I experienced.   I received nothing: no emotional support, not even any attention to what I told the BPD wife unless it related to her, no financial help-only demands, sex only when she felt the need.

I was worn down physically, emotionally and nearly ruined financially.

Not anymore.  never again.

[almost789]

Yes, I find it unnatural. I just read a big long validation example on the staying board and I cant imagine how long it takes to figure out just the right thing to say to make sure your validating their complete selfishness. I didnt even validate my babies/toddlers this way.

[Mike_confused]

I am tired of validating.  yes my uBPD wife has issues that need to be validate, but after having received the "you don't really matter" message so many times I no longer really care.

She did it too herself... .  drove me away... .  for all my faults I am still one helluva guy and she screwed it up bad.  Its her problem.

My thinking has changed.  I am really not bitter, just have had enough of her.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to all, and to Happyplace,

That bit you wrote about them believing they are 'always trying to please', always trying to do the right thing, etc...

Totally relate to that...

It is akin to 'Here,  I am giving you the shirt off my back', and then in the next second, ripping it off you like you stole it...

Obviously we all know that it is mostly all about them, and then, that we know not all of them is bad... they all have some extremely redeemable qualities, which is of course what we love in them... we even love them in spite of how they act... mean, cold, threatening, selfish, greedy, manipulating, and how they treat us...

We wish and hope, knowing we should not... and the disappointment in resigning yourself to this, is never ending, and heartbreaking...

treading water... on a daily basis...

[Willow Bird]

Yes, I find it unnatural. I just read a big long validation example on the staying board and I cant imagine how long it takes to figure out just the right thing to say to make sure your validating their complete selfishness. I didnt even validate my babies/toddlers this way.

  Exactly!  I am staying with my BPDh, but I don't read the staying board anymore --- it depresses me. 

I'm staying because my husband was able to see that there is something not right about his behavior (though he doesn't grasp even half of what it is yet) and he's been making effort and progress over the past two years.  If I was only seeing the same old behavior, I would not be here anymore.  That's no way to live. My mental health, sense of security, and happiness are every bit as important as his.

I will validate his feelings, absolutely, but if I don't also expect him to at least try to do this for me too, it's not really a marriage.  I have no intention of being his long-suffering special-needs teacher with benefits!  Fortunately, he gets that and is making honest progress.  Otherwise, I couldn't live like this for long.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to all here who have posted...

I have likened a lot of situations I have read on the boards, to the cycle of violence in relationships, this obviously includes my own situation.

The cycle of violence does not have to be only physical violence, there are many types of abuse, and if you read them, you can see these patterns ever present, and ever clear in most of the BP's discussed on these boards...

Whether it be verbal abuse, physical, financial, sexual, psychological, emotional or whatever... I am not seeing any absence of these things from BP partners, even on the staying boards...

Then, if you look into the BP's past, you will find that they grew up with some form of abuse themselves, but have never managed to resolve things enough to achieve some healing within. Just like us, the non's, except that maybe we have at least the capacity to forgive, and may have moved through it enough to get over things better... and at least desire peace, in our lives and hearts...

I have tried all the validating, the SET, and BP has continued to abuse me...

He pushes my buttons over and over, ignores my boundaries, and keeps at me like a pit bull, until eventually, I fail, and give him back some of his own medicine... This makes him extremely happy, because then, I have become just like him... even if my sticking up for myself after repeating myself hundreds of times has got me nowhere, he refuses to stop denigrating people in my absence, or denigrating me because I refuse to listen after half an hour...

No amount of validating, or using SET has worked... he just goes on like a broken record... I truly believe that letting him talk repeatedly about his feelings, opinions etc, is not resolving anything... When I state the truths, gently and firmly, he doesn't want to resolve anything about any of these situations for closure... being with him, is like Groundhog Day, every day...

From what I know about relationship violence, and believe me, it is an ever present force in all these stories whether minor, or major, (such as has been more the case in my situation past), the main abuser, that is, the one who starts all the fights and dramas, is required to make an inventory of all those he/she has hurt in the past, acknowledge their pain, and his/her own, and make a concerted effort to stop this negative cycle... this starts by learning to control their own emotions... If they find they are getting really frustrated, and pressured, then call a time out for a while, until they calm down...

In order for them to heal from their own abusive histories, and families of origin, (even if they are still heavily involved in those families), they must start with the very basics... learning to control their very powerful emotions... and triggers... Learn to live within their limits emotionally, for the time being, knowing what they can handle, where they can go, what they can do, until they gradually gain strength and their fragile self esteem becomes stronger again...

They have to learn, that as long as they continue to hurt those close to them with their impulsive behaviours, they will never gain lasting good feelings about themselves... this is a spiritual thing, which is an important component of a person's healing from abuse...

Our health, is not solely emotional and physical, it is also spiritual... And having this recognition is an important part of getting better from anything we have suffered.

The spiritual is a personal thing to each person, it does not have to even be a religious one... It can be a belief that we are all one, and interconnected... and to hurt each other is to hurt the world...

They have to learn the need to apologise quickly, if they mess up... and also forgive themselves too... but an instant apology and a sincere desire not to hurt again is often enough for their partners anyway... .  

For me, I have given up almost on getting through to my partner anymore... He has watched me cry and cry after yet another of his abusive tirades, he has expressed remorse, and tried to comfort me, and has expressed that he is afraid, that one day, I will not be able to forgive him anymore...

The worst part for me, is that he forgets all this, and just builds up to another explosion... I find in the end, I retaliate, and this only hurts the both of us... .  I cannot tolerate this cycle... but I cannot tolerate being abused either, and not having a voice... being ignored... my boundaries etc...

I have told him that he has to try to stop himself from doing this... If he feels he is going to scream names at me, (when I refuse to listen to all his hate sessions), that he should excuse himself before any damage is done... He could do this by hopping out of the car, and walking for five minutes or something...

On the one hand he agrees, he knows he is ill, and on the other, he is totally justified for doing it...

I can only conclude, that he is saying he won't try to change, not that he can't... .  

I don't buy this... as he is perfectly able to turn on the charm to strangers when it suits him... especially women he meets...

[Mind]

Yes.  The past few months I was purely getting sick and tired of it.  I learned about validation from here and from my counselor. It's a tough concept to grasp when the person is outright saying nasty and mean things.  I cannot and will not ever validate a person who's main goal is to hurt me. And that was exactly what he told me. 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Sparkle13,

You have every right to feel that way, every right to feel pain, justifiable anger and so forth... as do I, and all other Non-BP's, and of course, our BP partners. They do not have the right, however, (and I don't care how much pain they are in!) to force their nasty, horrible, abusive way of dealing with their own perceptions and assumptions about others down our throats every day.

They do not have the right to continually denigrate people we also know and care about in our presence... nor do they have the right to abuse us, when we have asked them a million times how they would like to deal with these problems, feelings, situations.

The SET method here tells us how to deal with their projections, assumptions, feelings, tirades, etc... It also says at the end, that gently and firmly, present the truth to them...

I have done this over and over again, about any of the repetitive rants my BP has about people, situations and his own circumstances... It is like banging your head against the wall however...

I have presented the truths of things, and asked questions about what he personally feels he can do to deal with his feelings about things... pointing out the realities whilst at it... and also challenged that there needs to be some closure on these matters, and that if he has made his decisions about how to deal with it himself, I have to respect that, even if it may hurt me... What I have added however, is that I also have boundaries, feelings and opinions about things... along with the fact there are only so many things we have control over, and the biggest one of all, is what we do ourselves...

We can be a victim yes, but we can also take some responsibility for ourselves, and refuse this being a permanent situation, by taking some action... inspite of our pain... We can only do what we can do, and after that, there is no point wasting our energy over those things we have no business trying to change...

We cannot stay stuck in blame and not move forward with our own plans and lives, just because someone else we know is not saving enough money, not making up their mind about selling their house, or whatever...

We can try all we can, to get ourselves out of any quagmire type situations, whether it be friendships going wrong, family, jobs, interests, habits etc...

I have told my BP in the past, that he is perfectly entitled to have doubts and concerns about what some people's motives are, and what they are doing, and yes, his suspicions about them may well hurt too, but he needs to learn not to make so many assumptions about them, as like they say, 'assumptions only make an ___ out of you and me'.