Grey Divorce Thread

[StressedinCleveland]

Most of the threads on this forum are focused on custody disputes. Naturally when dependent children are involved they must come first and they become the focus of our care and concern. Disputing custody with a dysfunctional partner is a real nightmare, and as the healthier partner we have an obligation to protect children from the more dysfunctional parent.

Other of us are going through divorce with only adult children. Our issues are also faced by those divorcing earlier in life, but they are often eclipsed by concerns for the welfare of children. Other issues become more prominent, such as dividing assets accumulated over a long marriage, providing for retirement, health insurance issues, and life events with adult children such as graduations, weddings and grandchildren.

Major concerns are:

Real estate. Can we trust a dysfunctional ex to re-finance? Will they pay the mortgage? Will they move out? Will they cooperate with the sale?

Alimony. Divorcing a dysfunctional spouse can lead to lifelong payments that leave us in poverty, even when there is no child support. This is more of a problem for male nons, but more and more women are paying alimony.

Disability. While proving mental illness in your spouse might be helpful for child custody, it can also establish that they are "unemployable". This can end up making you financially responsible for maintaining your spouse "in the manner to which they have been accustomed" and paying all legal expenses for the divorce itself and when they take you back to court.  

Insurance. Will you have to pay for all their health care for the rest of their lives? COBRA runs out in a few years. What then? What are the implications of Obamacare (the Affordable Health Act).

Retirement. Will it be split evenly, or will the dysfunctional partner elicit the sympathy of the court and get it all? Or will all of it go to pay the lawyers and the legal expenses?

Your own physical health. Many of us have serious stress-related diseases as we age. While promising relief at the end of the process, divorce can be even more stressful than the marriage itself.

Your own mental health. I have two friends, men in their 50's, who committed suicide during prolonged divorce battles with disturbed wives. Sometimes suicide can seem like the only way out. What can we do to maintain our sanity?

Societal issues. How can family court judges and attorneys be educated to the issues in high-conflict divorce from an emotionally disturbed partner? Can laws be changed?

[ForeverDad]

Real estate. Can we trust a dysfunctional ex to re-finance? Will they pay the mortgage? Will they move out? Will they cooperate with the sale?

If I are still in the house with ex, will ex make false allegations to be seen as a target or victim, get the upper hand in court and use that to 'punish' me?

If I keep the house and ex is on the deed, will ex sign the quit claim deed?

If I get the house but ex has to vacate, will ex vacate on time as required?  How many returns back to court will it take to finally get ex out?  Will ex leave the house filthy, damaged or sabotaged?

If ex keeps the house, will ex file our signed quit claim deed?  Will ex actually refinance in the time frame specified by the court order?  Does the agreement or order specify the consequences if/when ex doesn't refinance within the required time period?  Will court even enforce the agreement?  (While courts are the final authority, most are very reluctant to enforce their orders, it often takes multiple returns to court - while the months pass and legal fees continue - to eventually get some level of resolution.)

[GustheDog]

Societal issues. How can family court judges and attorneys be educated to the issues in high-conflict divorce from an emotionally disturbed partner? Can laws be changed?

Great question. What would you like to see, Stressed?

I devote a decent chunk of annual hours to publishing and pro bono - In light of my BPD r/s (a drop in the bucket compared with what you folks face, I know), I want to carve a niche in this area. So, I'm equally interested in feedback on this point.

As to real estate, I'd say sell. You have legal remedies if they mismanage the property or default in an action for waste, perhaps, but you may be better served selling even in a poor market if it means not being connected any longer. Whatever happens, you know you can expect serious efforts to be made to have you either bear the brunt of any losses or sacrifice your claim to any gains.

There's a subjective value in not being bound to this person in any way. Depending on what sorts of estates are in question, you may be entitled to a court-ordered partition or an accounting if she doesn't agree to a total sale. Make her buy you out.