Hard time detaching

[myself]

It's for real this time, no more recycling. She lied and I need truth. The other times, I wasn't really leaving. I was stuck in a painful game. I used to be too involved with push and pull. Then I stopped chasing her and stood up for myself. She raged against it, then went silent. Someone else may be involved now, I don't know and do not want to. I don't trust her anymore, and can't go backwards.

Right before our r/s ended, we had the best time we ever had together. I believed things had changed, that we would make it. It was too intimate for her and she turned against me more than ever. The way she described how she saw our r/s was the opposite of how I did. It made me see I'd had enough.

Now that I am detaching, and really following through with it, it's a whole new set of feelings. New options, new complications. I'm doing what I'm supposed to, focusing on me, letting go, being understanding that time needs to go by. I still feel at a loss. It's hard knowing it is really over. It's like cold water thrown in my face to wake me up, made of the drips and drops that eroded the r/s.

[Tincup]

Myself-I am right there with you.  I can tell you from my perspective that it is a day by day thing.  Some of my days are great, and others not so much.  I am taking care of myself, and trying to stay busy in a HEALTHY way (meaning not filling all my time so I don't have to think about her).  I am making a very conscious effect to spend time alone, not get in another relationship or even date until I am ready.  Spending time alone has been good for me as I need to control my mind. 

Mine also described the relationship the opposite of how I did.  With time you will come out of the FOG and see things more clearly in order to process everything you went through.  That is what I am in the process of doing now.  For me I was mourning a loss as well, but I wasn't quite sure what I lost (I still am not sure). 

[DownandOut]

I understand where you are now and, just know, it will get harder before it gets easier. I, too, reached that point of no return and I am now almost 6 months NC. It's still difficult. I am not telling you this to dishearten you, I am telling you this because I care and you must know that no matter what you have to stick to your guns. Preparation for those hard days is key. I am out of the FOG, and I truly see things for what they were and are. However, I continue to yearn for my uBPDexgf. I still daydream about what could have been in my life. Truthfully, in its most pleasant times, the r/s was ideal for me and made me complete. But therein lies the problem, I felt I needed the relationship for my life to be what I thought was perfect. You need to find that perfect balance in yourself and then everything will fall into place. I'm not there yet. I still dream of reconciliation, but why? IT isn't good for me. Although my heart says there was nothing real about that r/s, my mind is still telling me that there was - or maybe it's the other way around. It doesn't matter, I'm still conflicted. Fight those urges to get back involved, fight those urges to check up on her, fight every urge that you know, deep down, will cause you pain in the end. It hurts, but it will get better.

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  Its only been a month since my entire world just walked out the door, the thought that this pain will linger for several more months is unbearable.  I dont feel any better, sure the realization that things were never what they seemed has started to sink in, that things will probably never make since and closure is just a dream, but that only serves to further destroy my heart.  "REALIZATION DOES NOT EQUAL PEACE OF MIND!"    And Im so fricken tired,  Im tired of crying, Im tired of replaying our last few minutes together in my head, the vision of her walking out the door and the cold, hollow look in her eyes haunts me to my soul... .    My heart literally aches with pain.  Just when I think, I cant cry any more, thats theres nothing left of my heart to break, a thought, a fragrance, a song will come on and Im right back at square one... . It never goes away!

  This is the worst pain Ive ever felt, nothing even compares.  Mornings and night time are the worst, shes the very first thought in my head from the second I open my eyes in the morning (sometimes, nightmares of her walking out the door again wakes me up) and my baby is always the last thought in my head as I cry myself to sleep every night... . Ive never been a tit bag in my life, but this experience has shown me versions of myself I never knew existed,  I dont believe Ill ever be the same person again,. Maybe thats the way its supposed to be!

[DownandOut]

  Its only been a month since my entire world just walked out the door, the thought that this pain will linger for several more months is unbearable.  I dont feel any better, sure the realization that things were never what they seemed has started to sink in, that things will probably never make since and closure is just a dream, but that only serves to further destroy my heart.  "REALIZATION DOES NOT EQUAL PEACE OF MIND!"    And Im so fricken tired,  Im tired of crying, Im tired of replaying our last few minutes together in my head, the vision of her walking out the door and the cold, hollow look in her eyes haunts me to my soul... .    My heart literally aches with pain.  Just when I think, I cant cry any more, thats theres nothing left of my heart to break, a thought, a fragrance, a song will come on and Im right back at square one... . It never goes away!

  This is the worst pain Ive ever felt, nothing even compares.  Mornings and night time are the worst, shes the very first thought in my head from the second I open my eyes in the morning (sometimes, nightmares of her walking out the door again wakes me up) and my baby is always the last thought in my head as I cry myself to sleep every night... . Ive never been a tit bag in my life, but this experience has shown me versions of myself I never knew existed,  I dont believe Ill ever be the same person again,. Maybe thats the way its supposed to be!

I feel your pain. One difference between you and I is that I CANNOT cry. I've tried for months to cry, but simply can't. Almost 6 months NC and she is still the first thought when I wake up and usually the last thought before I go to sleep. I am completely out of the FOG, but just cannot shake the pain of this loss. I am not the same person I was, but the goal now is to be a better person than I was, not a more broken one. It is difficult and will continue to be for some time - but we must endure.

On a side note, dating seems to make it worse for me. I feel like I am still comparing how I felt with my ex to all of the women I meet now. I am not completely healed and it's evident. My biggest piece of advice would be to take one day at a time, live your life for you, and don't date until you're ready.

[growing_wings]

i feel your pain as i am going through it right now. damn being replaced with another recycle hurts like HELL. like nothing else. I cry and cry again. after crying i feel better.

i feel i want to be recycled back.

this is difficult stuff.i share the feeling you have as i battle through it. there are days i swear i want to go back and beg to be recycled.  pain to be out, more pain to be in the r/s. i wish i could return the time, so i could avoid meeting her and going down this r/s which was amazing for a while until it turned soo bitter. now she is reverted to her old self, recycling old acquintances, those she spoke so bad about.

[Tincup]

DownandOut-You are making me scared because I swear you are inside my head with what you have written.  I feel 100% the same way as you.  

RMOUSEY-I think we all felt the same way around month one or so.  The initial relief of the end of things is over, and the realization that it is over sinks in.  Plus for me the knowledge that this was about when her recycle attempts would start.  You just exhaust yourself because you can't shutdown your mind.  It does get better, but it might get harder first.  I have never been addicted to anything, but I would have to imagine that I was detoxing from the relationship.  I WENT THROUGH WITHDRAWL like a drug addict.  It will get better.

[seeking balance]

Myself,

We have been on these boards together for a while now and I have seen you come and go with the relationship which was necessary for you to get to where you are today.  Please know what you feel is normal.

I still feel at a loss. It's hard knowing it is really over. It's like cold water thrown in my face to wake me up, made of the drips and drops that eroded the r/s.

So much of what I tried to avoid by not leaving when I knew I should have and focusing on BPD or legal aspects of the divorce, while grieving - I felt lost for quite a while, I still have those moments at times.  The loss and even me feeling lost in general was really scary - I spent so much time in my life "doing" the right things... . not because it was necessarily who I was, but really because I didn't want to feel that loss - core level.  If I did everything right, somehow I could avoid having to feel all that pain and loss... . it just doesn't work like that unfortunately.

All I wanted was normal - heck, my whole life I just wanted stable and easy, yet that was not the hand I was dealt.  What looked normal from the outside was anything but when in it... . from my childhood to pretty much every relationship I had which included BPD that brought me here and literally brought me to my knees where I had to look - I mean look at what was real and what I seriously missed out on most of my life... . how/why I contributed to it.

The loss you feel, it didn't come to you lightly or over night... . it really is much bigger than the end of this relationship for many of us here - and although you have to remind yourself it takes time, that doesn't make the time go by any quicker.

Coping - it is in the little victories.  I heard the phrase, "build a new normal" - and I really think that is true.  Rebuilding me started by accepting the loss as real, not minimizing it and giving myself the patience to move past it.

It honestly has not been that long since you have left this time around - you are getting into the deep parts - you really will be ok... . the little things are so important, you are rebuilding you.

Peace,

SB

[Waifed]

I understand where you are now and, just know, it will get harder before it gets easier. I, too, reached that point of no return and I am now almost 6 months NC. It's still difficult. I am not telling you this to dishearten you, I am telling you this because I care and you must know that no matter what you have to stick to your guns. Preparation for those hard days is key. I am out of the FOG, and I truly see things for what they were and are. However, I continue to yearn for my uBPDexgf. I still daydream about what could have been in my life. Truthfully, in its most pleasant times, the r/s was ideal for me and made me complete. But therein lies the problem, I felt I needed the relationship for my life to be what I thought was perfect. You need to find that perfect balance in yourself and then everything will fall into place. I'm not there yet. I still dream of reconciliation, but why? IT isn't good for me. Although my heart says there was nothing real about that r/s, my mind is still telling me that there was - or maybe it's the other way around. It doesn't matter, I'm still conflicted. Fight those urges to get back involved, fight those urges to check up on her, fight every urge that you know, deep down, will cause you pain in the end. It hurts, but it will get better.

I am almost 5 months out and your description is almost my life.  The pain and hurt has dulled and I too am at the point of no return.  Still have thoughts and dreams that maybe she isn't BPD, but I have to tell myself that it doesn't really matter because her actions trump a label.  I believe the reason it is so difficult to detach is because I was a confident, happy person on the surface when I started dating my BPD.  I thought I was a great catch and that no one would ever treat me badly.  It was all a facade.  I didn't know it at the time.  My caretaker mentality made me stick around way longer than I should have.  I have been exposed and I am working on it.  It is a great thing actually.  I have cried at the smallest of things. That has passed.  I don't want her anymore but I am scared to death to run into her.  I would fall immediately back into the FOG.  I look forward to the day that I am indifferent.  It will come.  I wish her no harm anymore and I no longer feel the need to "help" her.  She can have her life... . mine is much better.  I pity the fact that she is not good enough to share my life with me.  She is a survivor, I am living, breathing human with so much to give AND RECEIVE!

[myself]

We have been on these boards together for a while now and I have seen you come and go with the relationship which was necessary for you to get to where you are today.  Please know what you feel is normal.

you are getting into the deep parts - you really will be ok... . the little things are so important, you are rebuilding you.

Thank you SB. I've known about these destructive patterns long enough to have gone as far with them as I can. I did have to see it to the end with her, and I did. We both know it's over. "The deep parts", that's where I am. I was still hanging on when recycling. This time I let go. New doubts. New feelings. It's a difficult time adapting to acceptance. I didn't want to be here but it's where I need to be.

[Phoenix.Rising]

myself,

I relate to having a hard time detaching, but I can say that I am more detached as time goes on.  I do not wake up thinking about her and she is not what I'm thinking of when I go to sleep.  I probably still think of her each day, but it's rare that I think very long about her or have obsessive thinking about her.  There are still some days, however, when the feelings are very strong.  So I understand.  Someone stated it is similar to losing a parent and I will agree to that due to the dynamics of these strange and beautiful relationships, albeit painful as hel!, too!

It's worth reminding you that you triggered her.  Your attempt at drawing near to her.  Your desire for real intimacy.  She doesn't realize it, but that is her greatest trigger... . and your greatest desire.  Probably her desire as well, but she is choosing not to look or work on herself.  Will you continue to work on yourself?  You have been doing that.  Don't stop.

I believe we can have intimacy, Myself.  But it's going to take a lot of work on ourselves.  Not just wishful thinking.  I'm seeing parts of myself that I'd rather not look at, but they are there and they are real and they will continue to hold me back if I'm not honest with myself and drudge up the willingness to better myself.  I am changing.

You have a lot of wisdom and a lot to offer a partner.  And you are deserving of intimacy.  So am I.  Just know that she did care about you as much as she was able, otherwise the intimacy wouldn't have triggered her.  She began to feel intimate towards you and pushed away, again and again.  She will always do that.  It's bigger than she is.  She's lost her choice in that... unless she decides to do some serious soul surgery.  In the meantime, how are we going to continue to let go and live our lives.  This is our life.  It's up to us to live it.  Live your life, Myself.  Your happiness is not dependent on her.  You already know this. 

[myself]

Thank you Phoenix, it's good to read you're doing better.

Grieving this has brought to light other times I didn't grieve enough. There is so much to let go of. To make sense of and forgive. So much to be thankful for. I'm more full than empty. I'll keep going.

I see I was a trigger for her, and being close drives her away. I kept trying to find a way around that but there isn't one. I was to blame when seen through her disordered eyes, because I reminded her of who she was and who she could become. I reminded her to sabotage herself. When she was triggered I was triggered, and I ran towards intimacy. Pushing her farther away. We kept each other spinning in place.  

We both had needs and made mistakes. We both felt how good it can be. We both left.

I could only be myself with her. Warts and all (while removing as many warts as I can). That's where the r/s really came to an end. There was no more game to be played. I was focusing on being real. No more masks. No more scapegoats.

Thank you again for the message. For the truth. Let's go live our lives some more.