New to this and need some help and advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

OK, let me give you some background information. I am married to a really great guy whose mother is uBPD/HPD. She is a VERY charming and quite convincing. People who meet her think she is wonderful but of course that is not the entire story.

Some clarifying stories from his childhood: 1)She took him to open a savings account when he was 12, he gave her all of his money for the next few years to put into the account. When he went to get the money out to buy his first car he found out that the account had been closed a month after opening it. 2)She regularly cheated on her partners and still does keep a few relationships at the same time. 3)There was some minor physical abuse but more emotional and psychological. 4)Many family pets had accidental deaths or ran away at very suspicious times and with frightening frequency. They always had dogs but I think there was only one he actually saw falter from old age before it was put down.

As the situation stands now we have been No Contact for the past few months. She is trying to reach us because it is very important that the rest of her family not know about our strained relations. Of course there was never any apologies for how she lied to and about us or for the fact that she would call him to curse and berate him, or as she called it "motivating". She wants things to be solved.

Well I feel guilty just complaining so now to my actual questions.

Coming from a "normal" family who are close knit I am having a hard time dealing with cutting his mom out of our lives. I don't want to make waves in his family and I know she will begin a smear campaign to his relatives. How do we deal with her at family reunions and such if we are NC?

Is there any way to make her realize that she is hurting people with her behavior?

How can I help my husband with dealing with his childhood? He doesn't talk about it much and he has a bachelor's in Psych but I feel like there must be more going on for him to go through with NC. He really doesn't seem to be phased or have any doubts. I am the one who has been saying things like "what about when we have kids?" and his answer is that he doesn't want her in their lives either.

Sorry for the rambling and confusing post. I have very mixed feelings about her and this whole thing. I am the type who wants to give a person more chances and that seems to make me the perfect prey for her manipulations.

Any advice or input will be greatly appreciated.

[SageAnon]

OK, let me give you some background information. I am married to a really great guy whose mother is uBPD/HPD. She is a VERY charming and quite convincing. People who meet her think she is wonderful but of course that is not the entire story.

Some clarifying stories from his childhood: 1)She took him to open a savings account when he was 12, he gave her all of his money for the next few years to put into the account. When he went to get the money out to buy his first car he found out that the account had been closed a month after opening it. 2)She regularly cheated on her partners and still does keep a few relationships at the same time. 3)There was some minor physical abuse but more emotional and psychological. 4)Many family pets had accidental deaths or ran away at very suspicious times and with frightening frequency. They always had dogs but I think there was only one he actually saw falter from old age before it was put down.

As the situation stands now we have been No Contact for the past few months. She is trying to reach us because it is very important that the rest of her family not know about our strained relations. Of course there was never any apologies for how she lied to and about us or for the fact that she would call him to curse and berate him, or as she called it "motivating". She wants things to be solved.

Well I feel guilty just complaining so now to my actual questions.

Coming from a "normal" family who are close knit I am having a hard time dealing with cutting his mom out of our lives. I don't want to make waves in his family and I know she will begin a smear campaign to his relatives. How do we deal with her at family reunions and such if we are NC?

Is there any way to make her realize that she is hurting people with her behavior?

How can I help my husband with dealing with his childhood? He doesn't talk about it much and he has a bachelor's in Psych but I feel like there must be more going on for him to go through with NC. He really doesn't seem to be phased or have any doubts. I am the one who has been saying things like "what about when we have kids?" and his answer is that he doesn't want her in their lives either.

Sorry for the rambling and confusing post. I have very mixed feelings about her and this whole thing. I am the type who wants to give a person more chances and that seems to make me the perfect prey for her manipulations.

Any advice or input will be greatly appreciated.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi SageAnon,

While I'm sorry that you and your DH are going through this, it's really good that you two are talking about how you'll handle things with his mother and working on this together. Learning about BPD will help you help him.

How do we deal with her at family reunions and such if we are NC?

What I do with my parents (my mother has BPD) is I don't try to avoid them at parties/family gatherings, but exchange pleasantries, talk for a little while about neutral subjects, and have an "exit plan" if necessary. What you and your DH do is totally within your control; what your MIL does is really up to her.

Is there any way to make her realize that she is hurting people with her behavior?

This is tough. If you were to tell her that she's hurting your feelings or your DH's feelings, how do you think she'd react? What would you ultimately like to see happen if she were to realize how her actions are affecting you?

How can I help my husband with dealing with his childhood? He doesn't talk about it much and he has a bachelor's in Psych but I feel like there must be more going on for him to go through with NC.

Is your DH in therapy? Many of us here (including me) have found it immensely helpful to have a therapist to help work through the emotions that we go through as part of healing.

It's good you're here--you're certainly not alone. There are a few other members here who have in-laws with BPD who can also give you their perspectives. Welcome!

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Sage,

It is so awesome that you are so involved in supporting your husband.  I would never be as well as I am today if I didn't have a partner who tried his best to understand my crazy mom. 

I think I can offer advice on three of your questions.

1- What about when we have kids?

I have a fairly good relationship with my BPDMom, as far as they go.  I actually see her, and I talk to her somewhat regularly, and have not been NC for a number of years.  That being said, I will NEVER- repeat NEVER have any child of mine alone with her ever, ever.  You hit the nail on the head when you said "She is very charming and convincing".  The truth is, BPD is a mental illness, and sometimes people with BPD do not have a good handle on their emotions.  They can be violent, unpredictable and at best manipulative, all of which are dangerous to a child. 

Although my mom has not hurt anyone since I was a child, the reality is that she has a Personality Disorder which causes her to lash out when she is stressed.  Children are stressfull, and they can become the target very quickly.  Chances are good that my mother will never hurt a young child again, but you know what?  Those chances are just not good enough for me.  If someone is not 100% reliable, they are not reliable enough to be around my children. People with BPD can have a stable personality for years, and it can change very suddenly, so don't think that what you see right now is what you get.

The reasons why your husband has likely gone NC may be coming from the same volatile place as the behaviors he may have endured as a child.  Having children is all the MORE reason to go NC. 

2- Getting him to talk

When I was 19, I finally broke down and told my best friend everything that my mom had ever done to me as a child.  Before that, I never told a single soul.  It is very difficult to talk about a dark childhood.  There is a lot of shame and a LOT of pain, so it hurts to have to rehash it.  Lots of people just don't ever want to talk about it, and would prefer to simply move on (thank goodness it's over- kind of thing).  Please don't force him to talk about it if he doesn't want to.  Instead, ask him a few small questions and just listen attentively when he replies.  For example, ":)id you ever go on any trips with your family growing up?"  That can be a hard question for us to answer.  It might just be "No."  Or it might cause anxiety, because it's difficult to explain to someone the kinds of things that might happen on a family trip with someone who has BPD.  Whatever his reply is, just accept it and don't prod.  If he feels safe with you, eventually he might say a little comment here or there about his childhood.  If he does, you can always be supportive (Ex: Wow, that must have been so hard/confusing/scary/odd etc.) and you can also always open the door to future conversations (Ex: Wow, that sounds really stressful!  Did that happen often?  Don't want to talk about it?  No problem- but just so you know, if you ever do, I'm here to listen."

3- Is there any way to make her realize that she is hurting people... ?

To be concise: no.  Although she is an adult, she has the emotional sensitivity of a very young child- think about a two year old.  She has not developed the capacity to feel empathy or sympathy or anything of that nature.  She might feel it in some specific situations for some specific people, but there is no way to explain to her why what she does is generally hurtful.  What you can do is let her know what your personal boundaries are, if ever you are no longer NC.  For example, if she asks to borrow money in the future, rather than say, "You stealing my money from me really hurt me for a lot of years, " you could say "No, I will not ever lend you money, but I would be happy to help cook you some supper if you are low on groceries," Or whatever the case may be. 

I hope this info helps!  I really recommend that the two of you check out the literature resources on this website, there are some great books with really concrete tips on how to have a positive relationship with someone who has BPD.  A great starting point is Randi Kreger's "Stop Walking on Eggshells". 

Good luck- and again thank you for helping someone with a BPD parent.