How do you deal with the stress?

[Ciorsdan]

I have spent the past two hours "walking inn eggshells" and at a super high stress level.  As I realise that something I thought my uBPDm was going to blow up over is either not going to set her off, or is something that is going to be used as ammunition for another argument, I began to wonder how other people handle it. The worst part is that I am almost having an anxiety attack because I asked her if my husband and I could go 5 miles into town to walmart and she said yes... .  but it was the way in which it was said that put me on edge. It was almost like it was a dare to see if I would actually do it (she has gone off one me about it before) . It was so bad that while I was in high school,my hair started falling out and I had panic attacks.

So, what do you do to defuse the stress?

[Clearmind]

Fear of the unknown will cause you unnecessary stress and I’m sure you don’t want to live your life like that.  We don’t know what will trigger our parents.

To deal with the stress. Accept you cannot change your Borderline parent however you can change your reaction to it and how you live your life. Good healthy boundaries protect you Ciorsdan. Are you up on boundary setting?

The worst part is that I am almost having an anxiety attack because I asked her if my husband and I could go 5 miles into town to walmart and she said yes... .  but it was the way in which it was said that put me on edge

Can you explain this a bit more? You are asking your Mom for permission?

[Ciorsdan]

Yes, my hisband and I are staying with my mom to catch up on our finances. The agreement was that we could come and go as we please, pay our bills and get set up to attend school in the fall. She has a big hand in our finances right now while we are trying to get everything paid off.  She has since threatened to make us leave immediately because she felt disrespected. By my husband and me.

She went off when I drove to a friends house a few milesndown the road to play board games, while I was still at their place over the phone. She was screaming so loud they could all hear her.

Then my husband and I went to walmart a week ago to grab stuff to make dinner.  Again, that was wasted gas to town when my husband could have stopped on his way home. She made me feel stupid for not telling him what to get earlier in the day.

So now I ask permission. sometimes I get yelled at and sometimes its okay. My husband gets pissed off about the situation and then I feel helpless. 

And did I mention that my mom and I work in the same office? There is literally no me time and definitely no just us time for my husband and me. We have found apartments we like, but it will take a few weeks to have the money for the downpayment.

[Clearmind]

Ciorsdan, it sounds to me like everyone's roles need defining. Starting with yours.

My friend, you are an adult and so is hubby - you both need to sit down and work out how this is going to work.

You are not that little kid, of a Borderline parent - like you use to be. And believe me, I get it.

We are scared into submission - maybe time to set some boundaries to not only protect you but to protect your marriage.

[GeekyGirl]

Clearmind has a good point: you cannot change your mother, Clorsdan, but you can find ways to cope with the stress in a healthy way. I agree that living with your mother and having to ask for permission to run errands is probably taking a huge toll on you and your husband.

Now would definitely be a good time to practice setting some boundaries, both at home and at work. What do you think you can do to assert your independence?

To answer your question, there are some very healthy ways to relieve stress. Exercise (even just a walk around the block), watching a funny movie, reading, or doing something creative like drawing or journaling help me when I'm feeling stressed.