First step down

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've retained my attorney so I am feeling a bit of relief. I met with the assistant and she gave me the financial forms to fill out.

Few things- I'm concerned with our joint account. There's a negative balance and he will not tell me why. My paycheck is deposited but I haven't been able to access it. I am very uneasy about that. I am not going to get much info from him. And he wants this done fast!

Right now he's still in the house with me. His lawyer told him not to leave. It's awful. He has threatened to take the kids places and not say where or if they are coming home. He has suddenly been talking to the kids in this bizarre surreal  voice. Acting like he has a sudden interest... .  he's ignored all of us for months. He threw grocery money at me telling me he's not doing the grocery shopping. I found a juice container full of urine from him not wanting to walk upstairs.

So I know to work on the forms. Most of the info I am unsure about. What would be next? I'm very unsettled and feel unsafe right now.

[Mind]

I've retained my attorney so I am feeling a bit of relief. I met with the assistant and she gave me the financial forms to fill out.

Few things- I'm concerned with our joint account. There's a negative balance and he will not tell me why. My paycheck is deposited but I haven't been able to access it. I am very uneasy about that. I am not going to get much info from him. And he wants this done fast!

Right now he's still in the house with me. His lawyer told him not to leave. It's awful. He has threatened to take the kids places and not say where or if they are coming home. He has suddenly been talking to the kids in this bizarre surreal  voice. Acting like he has a sudden interest... .  he's ignored all of us for months. He threw grocery money at me telling me he's not doing the grocery shopping. I found a juice container full of urine from him not wanting to walk upstairs.

So I know to work on the forms. Most of the info I am unsure about. What would be next? I'm very unsettled and feel unsafe right now.

[GaGrl]

IMMEDIATELY, stop your direct deposit. Start another account that he can't access and move dire t deposit to the new account.

[Mind]

 Is this okay to do? I was served and I know there's something about not touching financial stuff until the lawyers instruct.

[GaGrl]

Che k with your lawyer. If you've been served but the bank account has a negative balance, there may be no problem with establishing g your own individual account. It's not as if you were served and there were thousands of $$$ in the account.

[Mind]

True. For some reason the mortgage is late. I will address this first. I called the bank and they didn't know why but saw numerous late fees.

[ForeverDad]

Possibly the statement not to mess with the financial accounts was to avoid either of you draining the accounts.  But... .  

• Apparently he's already drained the accounts



• Apparently he's not been paying the bills (so where is that money?)



• You have every right to deposit your check into your secure personal account

Yes, you can't try to hide money (though he probably already is?) but as long as you are not doing anything illegal or prohibited by court order, then yes you can deposit your paycheck in your personal account so that you can be assured your money will be used where you want it to be used.

If this is your paycheck, you have every right to have it deposited into your personal account and then you can share whatever you wish for the family's finances.  Yes, doing so would likely trigger an overreaction, so do try to get as much account information and do other preparations before doing so.

I wrote this over a month ago.  Now that the divorce has been filed, you don't have to tip-toe around about your paycheck any longer.  Get your own account and tell your work to change it to there.  Or ask work to give you the check directly, whichever works for you.  Do it ASAP.  (Your consultations should have informed you what you can do versus what you shouldn't do.)  The point is that as long as the money goes into the joint account he will make it will disappear and you won't get to use your own money.

Don't worry about the family's overdue bills right now.  He's the one who either didn't tell you or diverted the money that should have been paying those bills, more likely both.  For now the bills can wait.  Your concern is about you, your children and your legal options.  Anything you try to do that involves him or lets him get involved, he will be sure to sabotage.  Sadly.

I noticed in some of your previous posts you mentioned wanting mediation.  Maybe mediation will work, but the statistics for quick success in mediation with cases like ours are not good.  Mediation usually doesn't work at first because it generally takes one of two scenarios:  (1) Both parents are reasonably normal and can both do give and take, or (2) the unreasonable parent eventually runs out of delay and control options and has no choice but to negotiate.  However settlements do happen, usually though it's only when the obstructive spouse has no other options left.  (In my case, it was literally minutes before my divorce trial was to start, I was greeted with the news "on the court house steps".)

[hell0kitty]

I don't know if this helps, but at my job I have two direct deposits with every check. It is automatic.  HR said it was no problem to set up, and a lot of people do it.  I have a small amount of money go into our joint account for savings and the bulk of the money goes into my personal account at a different bank. 

It might be a way around not messing with the direct deposit, but being able to keep most of your money?

[Mind]

Thanks for the input. My paycheck will be priority and I will email my lawyer.

I started to fill out the paperwork- just a master info sheet. I went to check our home safe where our records are kept. He locked it and the key is nowhere to be found. We are living together but he is not approachable at all to ask. Do I mention this to the lawyer as well? There are also savings bonds that are missing that he tried blaming me for moving.

His lawyer told him he has to stay in the house. How long? He needs to be out ASAP.

[ForeverDad]

The comments here are from others who have already walked in your shoes, been burned and come out the other side.  So learn from us and our experiences, learn what is more likely to work and what is less likely to work.  Decide which of our suggestions make sense to you and especially feel free to discuss them with your lawyer.  One of the things we've discovered is that we generally have to been more involved in our high conflict cases than most clients.

Take, for example, what we said about direct deposit of our paychecks.  In most cases it's not a huge issue, but with high conflict anything can and will happen.  So we have to guard our money well because our trust won't get returned, we won't get treated well in reciprocation.

From what you've described, your lawyer would probably agree you need to secure your money.  Yes, the bills will have to get paid at some point but leave that for the court to assign.  If he's someone who easily states 'I'm a controlling person', well, then it's clear he's trying to control the money, leave as little as possible for you to access, hide as much as he can for himself, block you from finding out how much he's snatched and also leave many bills unpaid to distract you from whatever else he's trying to do.  In essence, control the money and limit your resources.  And hope you get distracted pondering whether to try to pay the late mortgage (that he didn't pay) and are slow to figure out what he's doing to sabotage you financially and with regard to custody.

Do you both work?  Is your child school age yet?  It would be helpful to know.

Also, if his lawyer has advised him not to move out until custody is settled, that may mean until the court sets a temporary order dealing with temp custody, parenting time schedule, support if any, etc.  Some lawyers will say, ":)on't worry what the temporary order is, we'll get it fixed later."  (That's what my lawyer said.)  In high conflict cases that can take a year or two years to be resolved, that's not good enough.  By the time the case is over, the court may be less inclined to fix prior defaults or mistakes in the schedule or custody.  Possible concepts "don't change what seems to be working" or "don't upset the child by making changes" would work against you to recover lost time.  That is why we sometimes say here, temporary orders tend to morph into permanent orders.  So try your best to get the order as good as possible from the first hearing in court.  (And be prepared for your stbExH to already be sabotaging you as much as he can in advance of that hearing.)

[Mind]

I'm very thankful for this forum... .  It's very hard to stay focused with this. I'm very unsettled right now and him living in the house is awful.

He handled our finances and of course blamed me for the inconsistencies.

Yes we both work full time. He works a second job coaching two sports. So his schedule is full through sometimes 7:30 or 8 at night. He says he plans on moving in with his parents- who act just like him and have caused alot of aggravation once we had kids. He told me joint custody is half the week and he's going to fight me for this. I know that is incorrect.  His lawyer is not even a matrimonial/family law attorney. Would grandparents really take precedent over me caring for the children? He would use that to his benefit, not being around for them and leaving as he pleases. He is off during the summer and school breaks so that will also have to be factored in.

He has been extremely hands off and not involved in our family for a long time. It's only in the past two weeks he's now acting involved, bringing them over to his parents house, etc. He left us for three nights last summer.  I have numerous  documentation and letters from him saying he knows he has an anger problem and rages. One letter he told me to just take care of the kids. He threatened suicide one time. I have pages and pages of what I've lived through. I hope if it came down to it they can be used our benefit.

Children are two and six. Both are in school settings full time.

[catnap]

Thanks for the input. My paycheck will be priority and I will email my lawyer.

I started to fill out the paperwork- just a master info sheet. I went to check our home safe where our records are kept. He locked it and the key is nowhere to be found. We are living together but he is not approachable at all to ask. Do I mention this to the lawyer as well? There are also savings bonds that are missing that he tried blaming me for moving.

His lawyer told him he has to stay in the house. How long? He needs to be out ASAP.

Yes, inform your lawyer of everything.  Who the bonds are made out to, the amounts, anything you can remember regarding them.

If you have any precious keepsakes, belongings, etc., especially those that your H knows about--pack them up and move them to a secure location. 

You are in a tough position. . .posting here will help keep you grounded and focused on the next step.  He is doing all he can to keep you off-balance.  The trick is this (easier said, I know, than done): is mot letting him make you lose your focus.  Hang in there!