holiday ruined...

[muffetbuffet]

I try so hard to not have high expectations for the holidays so when things go wrong I am not so disappointed.  Today is Easter and it is to be a joyful day.  Our son is home from college for the weekend.  We had plans of church this AM followed by spending some time visiting with family for the afternoon before taking our son back to college.  Well, our dd had other plans.  Something happened this AM between son and daughter.  Not sure exactly what as both my husband and I were in the other room.  Words were exchanged and the day is shot.  Both of the kids were yelling at each other.  Daughter feels that I did not support her in the situation so that added to the drama.  So church got cancelled.  Let everyone cool down in their rooms for a while hoping that we could go to see grandma.  Try #2 to get out of house... . daughter says that she is not sitting in the car with the person who ruined her life.  Two years ago she claims that our son molested her but all allegations were unfounded and no charges were pressed.  In her eyes he got away with it.  Still don't know the true story and I know that I never will.  Anyhow, visiting grandma did not work either so husband left to take son back to school.  He was upset and feels he is being punished for something his sister started and daughter is upset with me because I did raise my voice when talking about going to visit grandma.  I just want to run and hide right now.  Myhusband left here with tears in his eyes as he was taking our son back home.  I am at home babysitting daughter as I dont trust her alone when she is this angry.  I just want to be able to walk away from all of this knowing that it is not my fault.  Is it terrible to think that I just want my life back?  Is it terrible to say I will not stop my daughter if she asks to move out?  She is 16 and at this point I am ok with her leaving.  My husband and I just cannot continue to to be emotionally drained by the things she does.  So blessed that I have a place to vent and know that there are people here who won't judge what I say.  Thank you hope you holiday is going better. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Oh MB:  Judge you?  never.  We have all been there and I so remember many times staying behind or dh having to do something without me because DD refused to participate and I wouldn't leave her alone.  The one thing that I did find in my own therapy is that I often over think the whole situation in my head such as: if I leave DD home alone she might harm herself.  My T told me to at least try to stop living as a hostage to DD.  Could you have told her that you and dh were taking your son back to college and she was more than welcome to come?  What do you think her reaction would be?  I have found in the past that DD was more than happy to have me stay behind and then she would sit in her room all day but if I told her we were going somewhere she would at first say she was staying home but at the last minute she always found a reason to join us.  Usually this ended up making the first part of the ride not so pleasant but we continued to ignore any non productive behaviors on her part and eventually she came around. 

Do you think that whatever happened this morning was DD's way of getting out of going to church or maybe taking the spotlight off of your son who would be going back to school My DD would pull crap whenever she didn't want to do something.  Always having an emotional breakdown right before dh and I would be leaving to go to dinner with friends. In the beginning we would end up cancelling at the last minute but now unless I am positive that something is horribly wrong my answer is, I have my phone you can call me if you need me.

Sorry your Easter Sunday was not what you expected and believe me I so want my life back also.

Griz

[mggt]

Dear muffetbuffet, So sorry your holiday was upseting.  I too have been in your shoes for some reason it always seem to be around holidays sometimes I just want to cancel all holidays because it just seems to rev things up with our children .  Keep strong and take care

[lbjnltx]

Griz's approach works for my family. 

I respect my dd16's choices inside of our family values.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry that your holiday did not go well!  I can so relate to that!  It is amazing how these children can upset the whole family dynamics isn't it?  There is no way we could judge you, no way!  I have been teaching school for 30 years and if anything positive has come out of the diagnosis of BPD traits for our 13 y/o DD it is NOT to judge the parents of any child for any reason!  I find that I am always feeling like I have to explain my DD's behavior to others though lest I be judged!  It's a shame we have to feel like that, but that is the way society sets us up to respond.

I hope that your night, and week to come, goes much more smoothly than today did for you.    and prayers!

[JKN77]

I too am sorry for your holiday. My BPD son and his younger brother got into it with me today too. I ended up going to church with just my daughter. She was in the program so I sat alone. Then when I got home they started in on me. Always on Sundays. Anyway, my other kids were here and we managed to get through dinner before they started in on me again.

I don't think you wanting your life back or your daughter to move out is bad. I think that way all the time. It is very difficult to live like this. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

[muffetbuffet]

Thanks so much for the support.  It is so great to know that there are so many people out there who have been there done that.  We made it through the day YEAH!  My husband took our son back to school while I remained at home.  Daughter was doing her thing while I figured why waste the afternoon.  I got involved in a lifetime movie  and cleaned up a pile of mail sitting on the dining room table.  Daughter left me alone and I left her alone.  WHen my husband came home daughter joined us to go to a family get together.  She sat and pouted for a bit but was compliant and respectful to her grandmother.  We talked in the car on the way home and she did not fuss about the consequence imposed for her being so disrespectful to me this AM.  After all was said and done, my husband and I called our son at college and had a good conversation with him. Sad thing is that I know things are not going to change between our children.  I only wish that they could learn to respect each other enough to make it through a weekend without an explosion. 

Thanks again and glad to know that we don't have any big holidays for a while... .  

[MammaMia]

Oh yes... .   the Horrible Holidays.

This year my daughter had to work, and her husband and children went to his sister's for an Easter brunch.  This left my BPD son and me on our own.  He hates holiday gatherings, because "everyone pretends they like each other for a couple of hours, and then it is back to normal.  Way too stressful."   There is always fallout after a family event.  Always.

So, rather than have the same issues this year, we both did our own thing.  I cleaned and watched The Bible on The History Channel.  I am not sure what ds did since he does not live with me. I did send him an e-mail and wished him Happy Easter xxoo.

It was great!   Best Easter ever.