Divorce Therapy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My L and my stbx's L set a meeting with a couples counselor today. The counselor made it clear from the start that we were doing what's called divorce therapy and not marriage counseling. The purpose of divorce therapy is to help create a "soft landing" for a marriage that is no longer deemed vital. Even for "normal" people divorce can be more difficult than death to deal with. I was skeptical coming in but actually found this meeting very informative. Stbx seemed to be getting something out of it too.

The 5 stages of divorce:

1. Psychological divorce - you no longer rely on each other for psychological comfort. I never could actually. She did and she sucked me dry emotionally (none of this was mention during the session of course - I nodded politely).

2. Sexual divorce - can't feel safe in a sexual relationship. So true. The rare occasions were not at all satisfying.

3. Financial divorce - again a safety issue

4. Social divorce - ex) my parents will still be our kids' grandparents but she will no longer be their daughter-in-law or treated as such.

5. Legal divorce - the final step of the process.

The T talked about trama bonding that somehow kept our marriage together but was unhealthy. If the T only knew the extent of the "unhealthiness"! Trama bonding is when your spouse understands you because you've exposed your vulnerabilities. My stbx exploited my vulnerabilities to the max. This is mean spirited. With a pwBPD being mean spirited is second nature.

The T went on to discuss the idea that after a divorce you don't offer comfort that goes with marriage. Important. I told T I can no longer serve as stbx's emotional support system. T said the opposite of love is a closed heart. That's what divorce is. My heart is definitely closed to stbx.

We will have one more meeting this Friday to set the stage for how best to conduct our neutral business and parenting meetings. How to keep those safe and productive. Stbx returns home the next day. Yeah!

Overall the meeting was informative. Hopefully stbx gets it but I'm not holding my breath... .  

[Jai Yen]

My L and my stbx's L set a meeting with a couples counselor today. The counselor made it clear from the start that we were doing what's called divorce therapy and not marriage counseling. The purpose of divorce therapy is to help create a "soft landing" for a marriage that is no longer deemed vital. Even for "normal" people divorce can be more difficult than death to deal with. I was skeptical coming in but actually found this meeting very informative. Stbx seemed to be getting something out of it too.

The 5 stages of divorce:

1. Psychological divorce - you no longer rely on each other for psychological comfort. I never could actually. She did and she sucked me dry emotionally (none of this was mention during the session of course - I nodded politely).

2. Sexual divorce - can't feel safe in a sexual relationship. So true. The rare occasions were not at all satisfying.

3. Financial divorce - again a safety issue

4. Social divorce - ex) my parents will still be our kids' grandparents but she will no longer be their daughter-in-law or treated as such.

5. Legal divorce - the final step of the process.

The T talked about trama bonding that somehow kept our marriage together but was unhealthy. If the T only knew the extent of the "unhealthiness"! Trama bonding is when your spouse understands you because you've exposed your vulnerabilities. My stbx exploited my vulnerabilities to the max. This is mean spirited. With a pwBPD being mean spirited is second nature.

The T went on to discuss the idea that after a divorce you don't offer comfort that goes with marriage. Important. I told T I can no longer serve as stbx's emotional support system. T said the opposite of love is a closed heart. That's what divorce is. My heart is definitely closed to stbx.

We will have one more meeting this Friday to set the stage for how best to conduct our neutral business and parenting meetings. How to keep those safe and productive. Stbx returns home the next day. Yeah!

Overall the meeting was informative. Hopefully stbx gets it but I'm not holding my breath... .  

[stuckinbetween]

This is so very interesting, Jai Len.  A "closed heart?"  Certainly my stbNPDh's heart just slammed shut all at once.  In court, he said he'd been very happy in the 30 yr. marriage until just months before he slammed me with divorce.  The five stages of divorce sound so very true, yet very sad.  The therapy sounds like it helped you.  Are you going to continue?  Therapy wouldn't have worked for me.  It would have been a forum for blame from my h.

Stuckinbetween

[Jai Yen]

We have another appointment together with the T on Friday. The agenda is to discuss anger. That should be interesting. My stbx is a high-functioning, invisible- she doesn't show her other side to outsiders. I hope to make the our communication guidelines clear for the future. As long as stbx knows I will not tolerate her anger and crazy stuff I'll look at that as progress... .  

[livednlearned]

It sounds like it was mostly your T talking, and you and your stbx were listening?

That's good. So glad it was informative for you.

Divorce therapy, wth!

[expos]

I sort of wish I would have gone through divorce therapy with my ex-wife.  After I asked to separate, my caring side really wanted to sit and talk through the issues we had - a soft landing so to speak - so we just didn't have to leave so bitterly.  My wife literally left our house the next day and stayed with family for nearly two weeks and mourned with them... .  leaving me all alone.

I'm going to say some things that a lot of people here won't agree with... .  

Since Divorce is seen as a death, and we were married, I really wanted us to mourn together.  I loved this person, our relationship didn't work, that is the reality.  We should not hate each other for that. 

Why is it that in marriage, it's so ugly and you can never talk to the person again?  But people who merely date, it's OK to socialize with them afterwards?  Since marriage is generally seen as a more serious commitment, you would think that people who made this "lifelong commitment" with one another would be able to talk in the future (taking in the account that they weren't physically abusive, or psychologically tormented each other, cheated on each other, etc.).  After all, you did share something really poignant and special at one point - otherwise you wouldn't have went through all the trouble.

My exBPD wife won't even acknowledge that I'm alive.  Life is way too short to hate a person that much.  I wish she didn't have this illness.  Sometimes, I really want that one last date and final kiss with her to just say goodbye the right way.     

[ForeverDad]

Expos, what you're describing can be called closure.  Sadly, when a marriage or relationship ends badly and one or both suffer with a personality disorder, there may be no mutual closure.  Well, no closure from the other person.  We have to find closure ourselves, we can't depend or expect the other to cooperate.

Also, there are many here on our boards who had boyfriends or girlfriends that ended their relationships similarly, without closure.  While marriage is a factor indicating, I would think, a sense of long term obligation, those who aren't married can also face similar fallout from their failed relationships.  Often it's not realistic or feasible to get closure or continue contact post-relationship as is possible with reasonably normal people.