Too Much, Too Fast

[pattyt]

Warning... .  freewheeling vent ahead... .  

I started typing out everything we've been going through in just this past week and erased it again, again.  It's just too much, too hard, stupid.  We feel taken advantage of, used, fooled, foolish ourselves.  What a waste of emotional energy, unreal, crazy-making.

The story is that dh and I are both missing money taken from us in our home.  My dd and her bf were the only others here.  He denied it, she avoided.  They both insisted their innocence, volunteering to take lie detector tests, saying we should call the police so that they can prove themselves and be cleared of suspicion. 

I want to think there's some explanation.  I know for certain the money is gone but I keep looking to see if it has reappeared in the place I left it.

Talked to my son for three hours and he said his guess would be dd did it.

If so then she's letting the bf take the brunt of suspicion.  My dh thinks it's the bf.  I don't know anything anymore.

Perhaps my dd's a thief.

They were living these past two weeks with a family friend who is down the block.  He said he was missing money, too.  Then he said he was missing his seizure meds.

Perhaps my dd's on drugs.

Then he found his seizure meds today and I was so thankful that they have gone again and made themselves scarce before I accused them of this, too, and then was wrong.

We went to talk to friend and his sister.  She was angry and yelled at us that we put her brother in this position.  We were sorry and regretted, but we had no inkling that this would happen, we paid them the money that was taken.  Ashamed.  And in this neighborhood we've lived in for 30 years.  Now all the neighbors will talk about our shame.  Almost just want to think about moving away from here.

They went to a motel and one of their cats got away somehow, they don't know how it got out of the room.  And the bf called and said that they were frantically looking and had put out signs offering reward, talked about renting bloodhounds to search.  Then the cat was found again (by bf when dd was at work) and bf was back in dd's good graces.  Could he have engineered the lost and found of the cat for this result?

This morning I got a phone call from the state process and summons division looking for my dd.  She's accused of writing hot checks.  There was a number for her to call and get it cleared up but I know this is all connected to those payday loans they took out months ago, the ones I was told were settled.

Perhaps my dd's a criminal.

The bf told me his car is being repaired and should be ready end of month.  He said it was towed to the shop last week.  In actuality, it sits in the driveway of his family home which was condemned and seized by the city recently.  My dh drove by and saw it.

I have never felt so trashy people/jerry springer.

I dreamed I was being chased by dogs last night and woke up kicking.  I want to stop crying.  I want out of here.

We changed the locks on our doors.  Locking our child out of the home she grew up in... .  locking her out along with anything else that would threaten our safety and security.

My doctor tells me my heart is beating too fast because of stress.  My dh is recovering from total hip replacement and as I held close to him earlier tonight I could hear his heart beating... .  too fast.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

What a heart ache. So much to bear. And you had deleted the post again and again, editing what you wrote. No wonder your hearts are breaking, I hope this eases up soon.   

I want to tell you not to feel trashy or dirty. You should walk with dignity, head held high because you are an honourable woman with an honourable husband and you do the best you can with what you have. You are not responsible for the behaviour of other adults. You are not responsible for your dd, her bf or the friend who misplaced his meds (he could have misplaced his money too?).

As your family was growing you did the best you could to raise your children to be good citizens good people, trustworthy and decent. If your children don't follow your guidance when they become adults, it is because they have a choice and choose not to. As harsh as this seems, until your dd reaches out to accept help and support for her situation, there is nothing you can do but work on trying to be clear in your relationship with her and supporting her as much as she will let you.

All of us with our BPD children have experienced variations of what you are feeling now. I can't recall but I think your dd is old enough to be considered and adult... .  You would say to us, if they are adults they are responsible for their decisions, their thoughts and their actions. While we sympathise, empathise, understand and try to help them, we do not accept responsibility for things we do not decide, think, or behave. We cannot control them, we have to accept who they are at the moment.

It hurts so much when we learn something about our children that we would rather not know, we feel guilty. Ultimately that is a wasted emotion.

Please pattyt, reassure yourself that you are a good mother, a good person, a good wife. And yes it hurts, but process the ideas of acceptance and look after yourselves. This is your life, you have a good husband, a good son. And you are a good person.

Perhaps some soothing fragrant oils in a bath, a cup of camomile ta and some soothing music will ease your fraught mind. A good walk in the fresh air where you can put your shoulders back, stand tall and smile at the sky.

I am sending you lots and Cheers,

Vivek      

[lbjnltx]

Dear pattyt,

I am so very sorry to hear all of this.  I understand about the sense of being ashamed.  Feeling judged by our peers in our own communities is a horrible feeling.

I have experienced this to the inth degree when my d was in the throws of unhealthy acting out behaviors.  Judged as a bad parent, judged as a family to "stay away from".

I found that after a bit of time, I was able to find a place of strength from which to live amongst the judgemental.  I don't give free passes to anyone because that is not a caring thing to do.  Even the pastor of our church got an earfull when he tried to give the congregation and himself a free pass for not reaching out to a family in need.  He tried to convince me and himself that "they just don't know what to say".  My reply "how about... .  we love you, we are here for you, how can we help?, we are praying for you".  He had no answer.  I told him that our church family is weak in compassion, coming from a place of judgement, fear, and ignorance.

While in the midst of all of this I reached out to other families in crisis with their children.  I tried to show them by example what our family needed.  I put myself out there to support others.  Our pastor did try.  He started a family support group at church to try to get us the support we needed.  The problem:  my family had our "poop in a scoop" light years ahead of the others that were in attendance.  I tried to help once more by being validating, offering the knowledge of skills that I had in place.  They were not willing to change themselves so the "support group" didn't survive.

Throughout this time I worked hard to find compassion for those who were so judgemental, ignorant, and afraid.  I realized that when I was hurt, I was taking on the responsibility for their feelings.  Why am I allowing the ignorant to affect how I feel?  It is the ultimate call to duty... .  to find compassion for those that persecute us.  It is a process to get to a place where we are not ashamed.  Knowledge and compassion will eradicate shame, ours and theirs.  When you get to this point, it is the pinnacle of freedom. 

As we have learned here on the site, that we need to be a living example of what we are asking our BPD children to do, we must also do for others in our lives.  Be a living example of compassion, personal growth, and acceptance.

 

lbjnltx

[lovesjazz]

I hear you loud and clear. We have been in those times and places. Yes, we feel judged by those who have no clue what we are going through. Our ds is on a downward slide. He was doing well, but now is regressing. We dont know what to believe. He is a con artist. How can we be proud of that? I cry and pray for mental healing of my son everyday.

You are not alone.youve done a great job raising a very difficult child. Raising an easy child is no problem.  I wonder how other parents would react to having just 1 day of our problems.   Keep praying and asking for strength.

[peaceplease]

pattyt,

 .  I am so sorry.  I can understand the Jerry Springer feeling.   I have felt at times that my dd could have provided material for Jerry Springer.   

I am glad that you have ds and a dh to support you through this.  I am glad that you all have each other.

We are not responsible for our adult children's behavior.  Although, I can understand feeling embarrassed and feelings of being judged.  I think we all haave felt those feelings.

Also, I understand about missing money.  I had money missing, several times.  I was 99.9% sure that my uBPD took it.  My wedding ring mysteriously disappeared, too. I know that my dd had a drug problem.  I think that is usually the reason that money or things of value are taken.

Hmmmm... .  Thinking about lbj's post about the process to get to a place where we are not ashamed.  I am working on getting there.  I am in the process... .  still working on it.  I think that I am almost there.

I hope that you can let this go, at least for awhile.  Allow yourself some time to completely let it go, and make it "your" time all about you.  And, perhaps a date with dh, even if its just a movie and cuddle date.  

peaceplease

[pattyt]

Thanks, all who responded.  I do feel so accepted here.  Your stories are all ones of parents doing the best they can to accept a hard situation.  There is no easy fix. 

Tonight I am very anxious because I haven't heard from the bf, even though I've called and texted.  My dd/21 is usually silent and makes no effort to connect with us.  This is the hardest of all.  My imagination runs wild.

In the past the bf was my connection.  It may have all been half-truths but I grasped at every whisp of communication - truth or no.

I know we did the right thing to confront them but am scared that now they have disappeared... .  punishing us for finding them out and calling them on it.  Today was a day off work and I spent it researching mental illness in the justice system, anticipating my dd will be arrested.  Almost hoping she will be and forced to get the help she needs.  Then I thought to look up the case number I was given and couldn't find any record in the county.  I googled the "process and summons division" and found out that this was most probably a scam, a collection agency trying to collect on a debt and they misrepresented themselves as being a state agency.  I didn't give them any information but feel like I should have picked up on that right away.  Stress makes one sloppy.

My husband seems to handle it all better than me, but I get him upset with my talking.  We will see our counselor on Thursday and perhaps he can help.

[Being Mindful]

Hi pattyt,

What would it look like for you if you let go half of your worry, or half of your research in the court system? What if you took that time and turned around to you, devoted to yourself... .  taking care of yourself and working towards things that will help you begin to shift your focus on you and your husband.

I completely understand your imagination running wild, grasping at half-truths to anyone who will give you information about your d. It was approximately 15 months ago that I would have been doing the same thing. I started with understanding and enforcing my value based boundaries. It was my first step to healing and learning.

What do you think? Is there a specific skill/tool that we can help you work towards to help you find some peace and joy again?

Being Mindful

[twojaybirds]

ahhhh.  You just sent me back 13 months ago... .  missing thousands of dollars and all my gold/family heirloom jewelry.  She spentt a month watching me tear the house apart looking for it denying she knew anything.

Alas she took it all, no drug problem, no money worries (she was in high school and I paid for everything and gave her an allowance).  Seems she gave it away... .  to boys.

I had to let that go.  It was explained to me by a p that was her high risk behavior.  For some its drugs... sex... thrill... .     Her need to feel anything resulted in this.  Watchimg me tear the house apart was the ultimate control over me.

I rekeyed the house.  She is only allowed if I say so and only for one night or two like at Christmas and when she is here my bedroom and extra room are locked.  SHe has access to the kitchen, livingn room, bathroom and the small spare room.  I feel no guilt over this.

You have to show her you are in control and will be safe. 

[pattyt]

I called the last place I knew they were staying and they wouldn't tell me anything.  The seediest dive of a hotel and they have their damned privacy rules.

Can't really think straight now.  All I feel is pain and worry.  I just wish I knew where she was.  Just to know that would help.

How does one cope with this?  It is just what it seems... .  that the minutes pass into hours then days and you just keep going?

I have to go to work today and smile and interact with people.  It's a distraction, so fast-paced that I can only keep my mind on what I'm doing and try not to think about anything else.

I know I have learned here the things one must do to self-care.  It just all seems too passive.  Everything in me says I should take some action... .  start searching for her... .  If I don't and something bad happens could I live with the regret of not having tried?  There must be some course of action I could take.  My whole life, I've always been able to find some option in any given situation. 

I keep trying to get some perspective, but this is insane and I've never had any prior life experience that would have prepared me for this.

[Being Mindful]

Sending you many of these   

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

pattyt you sound deeply sad, I am so sorry for you.   

My dd also doesn't want me to know anything about her... .  like you I was frantic trying to find out what I could. Dh and I were so worried about her wellbeing, drugs, degradation and even suicide. When dh last visited her house he knew he was inside. After hours of knocking, going away and trying again, he called the police, they offered to do a 'welfare' check'. They entered the house and what followed was vitriolic and deeply distressing for him. After that we learnt our lesson.

You say that you feel the need for action, that I do understand. What I learnt after that was not a passive response. I learnt to open myself to 'radical' acceptance and began to do the reading I needed to so I could further my understanding of what that meant in the context of all the other things we learn here.

And I learnt to begin to take care of myself better. And that was not passive either.

Could I try to suggest that you have a need to feel a sense of security and safety for your daughter. If your d was a child, that would be your responsibility, but she isn't anymore. The point I am trying to suggest is that it is your need you are trying to meet and it is not possible for you to have that need met and it is that need that is driving you to distraction.

So while it could be helpful to know where your dd is, understanding that stuff about scams is valuable information and all the little bits and pieces that build a picture for us, is worth knowing. Knowing this stuff does not fulfil our need. In fact this particular need is not fillable for you. That's why 'radical' acceptance is important.

give me the strength to change what I can, the grace to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two. Let me live with integrity. That's my prayer I share with you.

lots of love

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pattyt]

Again, so much thanks to you wonderful people for helping me through these past few days.

The bf called last night and said they are OK.  And so I have some relief if I allow myself to believe what he says is true. 

I've been thinking about what is the barrier that prevents me from stepping back from the drama and practicing better self-care.  I think guilt plays a large part.  I would feel guilty to be feeling better when I know my dd is feeling so bad.  Or is she?  I suppose that she must be feeling bad because I would if I were in the same situation.  Maybe this is not so.

I already have come to understand that she doesn't feel the same sense of urgency to put our relationship right because she knows with certainty that I am here for her any time she decides to reach for me, so she's got me on hold, and I dangle and worry.

It is the lack of communication and answers that keep me off-balance because I fill in the gaps with such horrible thoughts.  If their goal is to keep me off-balance then this would be the way to do it.  Surely, I think, if you care for someone you wouldn't do this intentionally.  Then I realize the rules of life I go by don't apply in her bizarro world.

Like you, Vivek , I've caught hell for doing what seems normal and logical to me... .  in my world phones and doorbells are answered, promises and trusts are kept, conversations inform rather than confuse.

So, once again, I've circled right back to this simple reality:  it is what it is.

None of my stubborn insistence on right being right will make it so.  It only causes me more grief when I don't accept.

Could I try to suggest that you have a need to feel a sense of security and safety for your daughter. If your d was a child, that would be your responsibility, but she isn't anymore. The point I am trying to suggest is that it is your need you are trying to meet and it is not possible for you to have that need met and it is that need that is driving you to distraction... .  

... .  In fact this particular need is not fillable for you. That's why 'radical' acceptance is important.

These are wise words and true.  I will keep trying.  I am better today than I was yesterday.  Baby steps.

[vivekananda]

pattyt we are in this together, walking this sad journey hand in hand, learning to be happy again. Learning to accept what we cannot change, learning to care for ourselves. Learning to be the sort of person we want to be and the sort of mother we would want for ourselves if we were our dd's.

Cheers,

Vivek    

ps I was told by a psychologist that some BPDs are absolutely secretive about their lives as my dd is with hers. A different form of 'attachment anxiety'

[Being Mindful]

pattyt we are in this together, walking this sad journey hand in hand, learning to be happy again. Learning to accept what we cannot change, learning to care for ourselves. Learning to be the sort of person we want to be and the sort of mother we would want for ourselves if we were our dd's.

sending you love,

Vivek    

ps I was told by a psychologist that some BPDs are absolutely secretive about their lives as my dd is with hers. A different form of 'attachment anxiety'

Pattyt, I'm here with you too, right along side of Vivek . Vivek  has some very wise words and you understand yourself and what is drawing you to stay trapped in the chaos. We are in this together and we will wait until your ready. Our arms are outstretched for you to grab on to. We can help you, support you and walk the journey to acceptance with you.

Being Mindful

[pattyt]

   

Where in the world would I be without you angels and your messages of support! 

You give me strength and hope!

[Being Mindful]

   

Where in the world would I be without you angels and your messages of support! 

You give me strength and hope!

pattyt,

We give hope, because there is hope... .  lots of it. It is just so very hard to see when you are suffering, sad, beaten down and only wish for something normal for your child.

Being Mindful