another issue that is bothering me

[trevjim]

The question 'will she/he be better with the new partner?' used to bother me alot, but after much discussion the majority vote is no they will treat them just the same.

However a New question has been on my mind recently. 'What if she just needed to grow up?'

My ex was 19 when we started dating, and 21 when we split. she had a baby aged 18.

in her previous relationships before me there was a bit of cheating, and she was abused by the dad of the baby (I know people with BPD tend to say things but the guy himself admited it)

Her past and during our R/S has behaviours that at BPD, Im almost certain she is. However what if she was just immature and selfish and is now finally growing up? What if our Relationship simply came too soon?

Because of the abuse to her and the baby, she had a court case that dragged on for months just to get the baby back from social services. The abuse haunted her for the best part of our R/S, This is enough stress for anyone let alone a young single mother. Perhaps im making excuses for her behaviour towards me.

Can people display BPD characteristics but are actually just being immature?

[Leaf]

I clung to a similar hope during the last years of my relationship with my BPD (w/NPD traits)xbf, but he's going on fifty! 

I had read somewhere that BPD mellows with age and that over fifty most don't fit the required five out of nine criteria anymore. But I now believe that they just get better at hiding it.  

[Blessed0329]

Leaf, I agree, they get better at hiding it as they age. My ex pwBPD is now 52. He functions via scripts, and does so very well, has, in fact, for years, until he decided to step out of his last role and began pursuing me romantically. That was when the BPD became evident, and somehow I became his trigger. He had to escape and try to get his "game face" back. Now, 9 months after running away, he is still struggling to get back to where he was before me.

It seems those with BPD can grow, act maturely, and function very well in society with practice, until something or someone triggers them. Then it appears to unravel.

[hithere]

I doubt it, my ex with BPD was 35 when I met her and she has been a terror since her teens and I doubt she will ever mellow out.  Those type of thoughts you are having are self-defeating, you need to just accept that she is sick and if she has BPD your life with her would have been bad.  If she gets better in 5 or 10 or 20 years, you would have already been a shattered person and I doubt she will ever be 100% better, hoping for 20% is even a stretch in my opinion.