My BPD wife doesnt know when she is having a meltdown

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My BPD wife is constantly criticizing and raging over the most trivial matters, and I really don't think she even realizes that she is having a meltdown.

Sometimes she screams at me to stop yelling at her even when I am only whispering.

Sometimes I tell her over and over that I am agreeing with her, but she still goes on like I am disagreeing and arguing.

Its like she can't hear me. Like she hears what she wants to hear... .  

Sometimes I can say "good morning" and I think she interprets it as if I told her to   "#@(K off!"

Its like she only hears and sees things as she interprets them and never hears them at face value.

She thinks that when she has a meltdown, that someone (usually me) actually went out of my way for the sole purpose to "piss her off"...   and she is proud to say that "it worked!"   "you tried to piss me off and it worked".

She is under the impression that I actually enjoy listening to her criticize and yell at me so much that I would do something for the sole purpose of pissing her off...

Then after she has her meltdown she needs a nap. when she wakes up it is as if nothing happened... (if we are lucky)

And even in the middle of a rage,  she can answer the phone and be the sweetest thing...


Does anyone else deal with this?... .  

[NonBPDSpouse]

My BPD wife is constantly criticizing and raging over the most trivial matters, and I really don't think she even realizes that she is having a meltdown.

Sometimes she screams at me to stop yelling at her even when I am only whispering.

Sometimes I tell her over and over that I am agreeing with her, but she still goes on like I am disagreeing and arguing.

Its like she can't hear me. Like she hears what she wants to hear... .  

Sometimes I can say "good morning" and I think she interprets it as if I told her to   "#@(K off!"

Its like she only hears and sees things as she interprets them and never hears them at face value.

She thinks that when she has a meltdown, that someone (usually me) actually went out of my way for the sole purpose to "piss her off"...   and she is proud to say that "it worked!"   "you tried to piss me off and it worked".

She is under the impression that I actually enjoy listening to her criticize and yell at me so much that I would do something for the sole purpose of pissing her off...

Then after she has her meltdown she needs a nap. when she wakes up it is as if nothing happened... (if we are lucky)

And even in the middle of a rage,  she can answer the phone and be the sweetest thing...


Does anyone else deal with this?... .  

[expos]

I dealt exactly with these things.  I feel your pain.

Mine would have this terrible, jarring tone every time she was upset about anything.  It's like she could not turn down the volume and talk sensibly about a problem.  It was drama.  She would put her hands on her hips, scowl, and pucker her lips into this frown.  There was absolutely no middle ground when she was angry.  Black and white.  I brought this up to our marriage counselor and she would question my ex-wife why she behaved this way when faced with conflict.  Her answer?  "I'm just a passionate person".

Um, no you are not.  You are mentally ill.

And yes, those phone calls.  Whenever her mom (who by the way, was her best friend) would call, she'd flip a switch and be an angel.  Terribly, terribly frustrating. 

[NonBPDSpouse]

Did your wife sleep constantly?

We would start every morning off with her screaming at me because she refused to get out of bed.

I would get up at a normal hour ( leaving about an hour for shower, etc... ). God forbid I turn on a small light or open a squeaky drawer too loud.      You would think Godzilla just woke up. 

[willy45]

That sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Exactly.

She would rage at me for the smallest things... .  for petting a dog, for not wanting to take my bike on the metro, for my 'tone', for being groggy in the morning, for rolling over in my sleep, for picking her up 3 minutes late, for not biking fast enough, for not locking my bike up where she wanted, for not searching Google the way she wanted me to. You name it. The smallest little disruption would cause a meltdown of massive proportions.

And yes. She would constantly accuse me of yelling at her. Especially when she was yelling at me. I would reply. Usually my reply would be "what are you talking about?" and then she would go into a rage about how I don't like her and how I was always yelling at her.

And yes on the sleeping thing. Except the opposite. She was the worst sleeper I had ever met. Any disturbance would cause her to go into a complete frenzy. If I had to go the bathroom, I had to sneak out like a little mouse, tippy toeing around and taking 3 minutes to open the door. It never worked though. She would always wake up and say: "Why did you wake me up?" I couldn't even roll over without her walking me up. She would constantly wake me up in the middle of the night when I was sound asleep to ask me why I was waking her up. These would sometimes turn into the worst rages where she would grab all her blankets and storm out of the room.

I am assuming that your wife always has a great excuse for these meltdowns? And I am assuming that excuse is ALWAYS YOU? Does that sound familiar? That was my life for about 7 years. Before I cut the chord and finally told her to F*CK OFF. She had pushed me too far. Her raging was 24/7. I couldn't take it anymore.

[sad but wiser]

Don't dance to her tune, guys.  If she can stop and pick up the phone and have the presence of mind to be sweet, she isn't that out of control.  Out of control is another way of saying, "It isn't my fault, it is yours."  This is a temper tantrum.  If you are getting up to go to work, good for you!  She ought to be happy to have the financial support, but don't expect her to appreciate it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, all of that happened with us too.  Eventually I came to realize that what a hell it must be between her ears, living like that, the mental storms, the raw emotion, the constant fight.  I love her, feel sorry for her, want to help her, and I'm not equipped for that, and as the recipient of all the rage, I'm not the one to help anyway.  Gotta go sweatheart, I love you, and the abuse is completely unacceptable.

[NonBPDSpouse]

RJH,

You described my wife exactly... .  everything you said...

When I read about tiptoeing to the bathroom I started to smile, because It is so great to find someone that understands.

After she moved out, I felt like 150 lbs came off my chest. I can walk around my house and not have to worry that the floor will squeak and wake her up. LOL. I really felt a lightness in my chest though...   I never knew that 90% of my stress was coming from her... .  

[willy45]

SadButWiser... .  

Your point made a light bulb go off in my head... .  And NonBPDSpouse, I forgot what your thread was about when I was writing before... .  Yes. She could turn off her tantrum like it was a light switch.

I always found that super weird and kind of eerie. She could be having a tantrum and totally freaking out and it would leave me complete battered and bruised inside and she could have a conversation with someone 3 minutes later like nothing happened. We were in this big house at one point with roommates. I remember we had an epic blow out over something... .  I don't remember what... .  something regarding who was going to get some salad for dinner, I think. And after it was over, she went downstairs. She seemed completely distraught. I went downstairs to get my computer and saw her in the kitchen talking to her roommates like nothing happened. Like everything was great. She was talking and laughing while I was slunked into a chair with my eyes all puffy and my hoodie over my head so that no one could see me.

SadButWiser... .  I guess your point is that she had the capacity to turn it on and off. And, if she had that capacity, then it was a choice not to turn it off when she was with me. Is that what you are saying? And the implication of that is that if she chose to do it and knew enough to be able to turn it off, then she was being abusive on purpose. Even though she wouldn't see it that way, she had the ability to turn it off but chose not to with me.

[sad but wiser]

Bingo rhj!  Good for you.  I went through that kind of thing too, and it really made me mad when I thought about it.  With everyone else he was so kind and sweet and helpful, but with me he was angry, critical and terse.  Then he would turn around and act like nothing happened and that our relationship was fine.  So, of course, I didn't think about it.  The fact is, he was just trying to get his way and he believed his own propaganda long enough to make it convincing.