Now he says he's going to kill himself - and d5 heard him

[Becs]

Things have been better for a while. We've been attending MC for months, and it seemed to be helping. He hasn't raged at me for a long time, and we've talked out some of our issues. I have learned to be much calmer with him. I don't yell back, I speak very quietly and calmly. I offer to hear him. It doesn't work most of the time (sometimes it does), but makes me feel better that I haven't added to it. I get told I am ordering him what to do.

I need to mention here that I am in the UK and we have had our worst winter for 50 years. He is from the Caribbean and this is his 3rd winter here. There have been immigration issues to add to all the pressure. Both my parents are very ill. My Mum just got news she will need the 3rd round of Chemo in 2 years. I work very long hours, he is at home. I am also selling a house. My stress is sky high. D5 is at school but its school holidays so she's home this week. Me too as I'm a teacher.

Two weeks ago, he announced he was leaving. He's "tired of all this Sh*t, and the weather (aren't we all)! It's all my fault. I brought him here. I've heard this so many times before, i didn't take it seriously until he told the MC. As soon as we got back from that session, he was better, affectionate etc, talking about the future again. A week later he was too ill to come with me. Early this week, he announced again that he was leaving. Apparently he told me that he would stay until the summer and then leave - did he?

So today I asked for my bank card back - for the nth time in 2 months. He has his own card but knows that he can't overspend on that. I am sick of him overspending. He agrees we need to budget - one salary, lots of debts. Then ignores me and says again that i brought him here. I think he is trying to sabotage me in anger - not discussed at MC yet.

He got angry very quickly. Perhaps I shouldn't have picked today. When I woke up, I got the mail, and opened it on the table. He got mad, apparently I was messing up the house, leaving crap all over the place - I am a tidy person but he 'does the house'. He yelled at me then stormed off. I left him to it, and went to check on D5 playing in her room. While I was there he went into my office and threw the cards down. I cut up a couple (and took my main one back and hid it), and he'd taken back the others before I went back in there. He came back later when I was in there and told me to book his flight within a week or he was killing himself. I asked him to be quiet as D5 could hear him. He got louder and then said its all my fault. Him killing himself is all on me. He's never said that before. He stormed off again, and we've barely spoken since.

I went straight into D5, and cuddled her. i asked her what she's heard, and she repeated ":)addy's going to kill himself". I told her that he's not but he was very angry. I had to go out for some urgent errands and persuaded her to come with me - in the freezing cold, and she has a temperature. She was OK though, and better I think with me. We were supposed to go and see my family for a few days. It could have been good distance too, but we can't go until she is better.

I am in the FOG. I wept in the shower, but am frightened and don't know what to do. I am crying writing this. I have lost all my friends, there are still there but we're at distance. Its partly him, I don't know how to explain to them, but also years living abroad with him, and then moving away from my home town for my current job.

I know I need to get him to leave, but he has to go back and D5 won't see him. I'm just lost.

[Becs]

So today he is fine. When I woke up (after being up late worrying) he had taken D5 out, and they have come back giggling. He made us all lunch (usual) and kept asking me if I am OK - of course I'm not, I'm shaking and close to tears. He tried to hug me and got upset when I flinched. So he asked me (learnt from MC), and I gave in - before D5 charged between us. FOG! Help!

Oh and I'm upset. Recent PC problems mean I have lost the journal I've been keeping for the last two years. I don't know if I can get it back yet.

He always says that I'll get to keep D5 if he leaves, but I don't entirely trust him. I don't think he could leave the country with her anyway. He's sure to be stopped at the airport, and anyway, needs me to book any flights for him.

[Surnia]

I hear your despair, Becs. So sorry! 

It really a lot you have to deal with, the huge anger of your h, your mothers illness.

I am glad you are back here. You need all support you can have.

Good that the MC is working until now. What about speaking about the anger?

What about a therapeutic separation time? For example, he will spend  3 month in his country?

Please stay tuned, Becs.

[Lady31]

I am so sorry about your current situation!  The stress and chaos I know is so draining emotionally.  I dealt with this from my H for a long time.

I wanted to say here that I believe it is highly likely that the suicide comments/threats are him upping the ante to regain control over you.

Notice how you took steps to set your own boundaries in response to his power/control move regarding the threats of leaving.  (And him constantly changing how, if, & when is in itself a power/control move to keep you off balance.)  When you responded to his behavior in a way that protected yourself/gave you back some control (by taking the credit cards away and showing that you are preparing to hold him to his threat to some degree) he lost his "power/control" and thus responded the way he did.  With more extreme threats.

When I started noticing this pattern, I would watch my H very closely and realized that a lot of this kind of stuff was a power game and that he NEVER had any intention of killing himself.  When I saw that reality - it PISSED ME OFF!

I would just say watch his behavior closely - it could be a lot more calculated than you think.

[Becs]

Thanks so much for the replies - I was thinking no one could see this post! What you've said makes sense.

So now we're all sick (caught the cold and fever from D5) and I can't think straight. I spent hours looking for flights for him before I got sick, and then he tells me that he has found some jobs to apply for, and when I mention the flight, he tells me he has no visa for the transit. I knew that but had forgotten. He's talking about doing his driving test, which again was a long term plan. Now everything is back to normal. he went out and spent money on a project (for himself) he has been talking about for a while -still trying to take back the control I guess. I know when I feel up to the conflict about that, he'll flip again. I hope that when I'm better, D5 and I go to see family for a few days. I need some distance, but I won't be able to get a clear head as everything that is going on there. I just feel totally overwhelmed.

We haven't talked about the suicide threat - this one I mean. We've talked about him being suicidal in MC. He said that he truely meant it when he said it. The C said he should get some support for himself. She has taken the direction of this just working on our marriage. I told her in the beginning that I thought he was BPD, and that I hoped we could deal with that. I don't think that we have.

He keeps hugging me, and unlike most times when he's ill, has been nice. I have a fever and he doesn't, so I guess he can tell I feel sicker? I don't know...

[Surnia]

HI Becs

good to hear you again, bad that you have a cold.

And it is one of the worst eastern weather ever in Europe!

Take your time to recover first.

Do you know the LESSONS?

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships.

Keep us posted!