what to make of this?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Since I have found this site and changed how I interact with my uBPDh things have been going amazingly better, very calm and almost like a normal couple. He even played a game of scrabble with me on my tablet last night. Other little couple things as well.

But he got a new phone 3 days ago. I was snooping, actually was looking for a pic of my son but while he was showering. He transferred the SD card, but he also went into my bedroom, and took pics of my rx bottles. One was for lortab I got when I had a painful abscess last week at the ER. Another was for an NSAID for my knee and the last was for ativan. It is over 6 months old and practically full. (And why would I be taking this except for stress from our life)

I am not sure of his motivations but of course I have concerns. It isn't like I am hiding them.

So I deleted them, which I am sure there will be fallout, but I don't think he has the right to do what he did.

Can anyone tell me why he would do this when things have been good for several weeks?

[crazylife]

Since I have found this site and changed how I interact with my uBPDh things have been going amazingly better, very calm and almost like a normal couple. He even played a game of scrabble with me on my tablet last night. Other little couple things as well.

But he got a new phone 3 days ago. I was snooping, actually was looking for a pic of my son but while he was showering. He transferred the SD card, but he also went into my bedroom, and took pics of my rx bottles. One was for lortab I got when I had a painful abscess last week at the ER. Another was for an NSAID for my knee and the last was for ativan. It is over 6 months old and practically full. (And why would I be taking this except for stress from our life)

I am not sure of his motivations but of course I have concerns. It isn't like I am hiding them.

So I deleted them, which I am sure there will be fallout, but I don't think he has the right to do what he did.

Can anyone tell me why he would do this when things have been good for several weeks?

[blecker]

So I deleted them, which I am sure there will be fallout, but I don't think he has the right to do what he did.

Can anyone tell me why he would do this when things have been good for several weeks?

Nope crazy, he had no right.

And your guess is as good as mine. Who knows, but it probably ain't good.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaires.

Explain to him why you feel what he did was wrong and that you will not tolerate such intrusion again.

[Surnia]

But he got a new phone 3 days ago.

I see boundaries violation in both directions, taking pictures, deleting pictures and snooping instead of asking.

Seems to me there is mistrust from both sides. He did not ask about your medication bottles, you did not ask for the pic of your son.

[crazylife]

Absolutely there is no  trust. As far as  deleting them, they werent his to take pics. If he wanted them to look up what they were he would have deleted them. He sure remembers to delete the porn that comes into his phone. And while I have RX for them and obviously  they arent abused, I volunteer locally with the juvenile courts and have a pretty high profile case this Friday. The grandfather is high on the druglord status here. I have worked hard to make sure everything is by the book. I dont want there to be a problem because of pain pills and other meds that have abuse potential. I would hope they would not be leaked out but given the illogical mind, I truly dont ever expect normal to be the thoughts going on around here.

I am going to wait till  he brings it up and deal with it then.  Right now I am trying to get my self to a position where I can leave when the time comes. Until then I am trying to get along.  I feel I have been detached for a while, and keeping things calms makes it much easier to do that. I know many still have love for their spouses I find it very hard to love someone that has gone thru every dime I have, participated in not helping to save-our(mine actually. I bought it and paid for it for it for 12 years) house, not paid my car note when I was sick and hospitalized till it  was taken,  and let me with a tax lien for $33k. Decided not to buy groceries for 3 months. I have NOTHING left to lose, and I cannot really love someone that has as  little regard for me.

But since I truly have nothing, and a tax lien that precludes me from even working at McDonalds, I am making the best of a nightmare. And while it may be a violation of his boundries, All of these things and his continued  infidelities basically negate him having the right to them  as far as I am concerned. If he wants them he can divorce me. Then he can have every boundry he wants.

I know I sound harsh, but my life has been harsh,my losses both materially and emotionally have been great. Its funny how when  you have nothing left to lose, how easy it is to see things, and begin to look after yourself.

[whereisthezen]

Crazylife,

I totally get you. Ive found more things by accident than snooping as they call it so go figure. I think that you are in protection and survival mode and bc of that alone you have to do what you have to do and as you explained very well, a lot of pieces fell with your partner and with only a few left and so close to moving on, he may feel it. You may have said it or maybe he just has had the thought you will... . And that could be why he took the pictures. Just be very careful, know you know what may be in the works. So now you can deal with it and I dont think with what you now know and the past that has passed you need to snoop again. I think you had a right to know what is coming next. If you dont have a T yet get one even at a cheaper clinic, you have to be able to tell someone especially if it will ruin your career. Be well, be safe.

[crazylife]

Thanks. I think that sounded b****ier than intended. Bottom line is he is sloppy, leaves obvious signs accidently.Hard not to find something left in a pocket when doing laundry, or laying in a drawer that used to have only folded clothes. His being calm and  nice could be he realizes I am getting my life in order, despite of him. As many times as he has threatened to leave me over the years, I have always replied that I dont plan to get a divorce, he will have to do  it. Until a few months ago. He was  after me about my dogs, I have 3. He had given my lab puppy away and I had gotten her back. I told him he better never ask me to get rid of my dogs again, because I would be going with them. He ask if I was choosing dogs over him and I said "YES!" It will be interesting to  see how this cycles. We had a good/great 5 years, a year apart, via his decision to  work  out of state, which is where he met and moved in with an escort. He followed her back here and when she found out he was married dumped him. Suddenly my life became 3 years of punishment. Now it  seems to be turning. I simply wont trust him ever again. I found out 2 people in his life have committed suicide. Not comforting.

So all that is left is for me to get along, keep myself safe, and work on a viable  escape plan.

[Surnia]

So all that is left is for me to get along, keep myself safe, and work on a viable  escape plan.

This is a very good plan.

I am seeing now the bigger picture of your situation which is really difficult.

[crazylife]

I havent gotten to the rest of it... . My uBPDh runs my fathers business, is about to own 40% of it. So my sisters and my inheritance is also added to the mix. My dad thinks he walks on water and I am a horrible wife/daughter. I basically have no relationship with him as H has told my entire family what a whore I am and that I disappear for hours at a time, etc. ( I am assuming this is becuase we havent had sex in 3 years so i must be doing someone else-) My mom has finally seen the light but is afraid of him. I finally have come to the conclusion that the money is not worth it to me. My sisters of course have no idea of the gravity of the situation. But they won't be happy if "I" screw things up for them. He seems to have never considered my dad wouldnt have given him a second glance if he wasnt my husband. and he never would have had such an opportunity if ME, ME,ME wasnt his wife... . I hav never pointed it out to him, although at some point I may.To be fair, he has done a great job turning things around.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Since I have found this site and changed how I interact with my uBPDh things have been going amazingly better, very calm and almost like a normal couple. He even played a game of scrabble with me on my tablet last night. Other little couple things as well.

But he got a new phone 3 days ago. I was snooping, actually was looking for a pic of my son but while he was showering. He transferred the SD card, but he also went into my bedroom, and took pics of my rx bottles. One was for lortab I got when I had a painful abscess last week at the ER. Another was for an NSAID for my knee and the last was for ativan. It is over 6 months old and practically full. (And why would I be taking this except for stress from our life)

I am not sure of his motivations but of course I have concerns. It isn't like I am hiding them.

So I deleted them, which I am sure there will be fallout, but I don't think he has the right to do what he did.

Can anyone tell me why he would do this when things have been good for several weeks?

Hmmmm... .

This would be something someone would do if they were trying to make a case that you are using/abusing Rx pain meds.   I know this because I had to do this for my atty.  I had to take pics of the Rx pill bottles that my H has been taking of OTHER people's Rx.  He has some "friends" who he gets these meds for.

I would start hiding those meds.  Put them somewhere he'd never find them. 

[Louise7777]

Seems to me he is collecting evidence for a future lawsuit of some sort... . Being this or something else, no good is coming out f it.

[crazylife]

I think he is trying to collect evidence as well. As since I found it on his phone, I did go into the photos on his  computer. I deleted them for there and also found several pics of me in a couple of  corsets. Waist to neck that I had taken as I had planned to start a lingerie business before  he spent all my money. I had emailed them to my china garment manufacturer contact to get some pricing and numbers.I took them myself and never told anyone except the woman in China. So he has gone thru my computer and stolen those as well. Guess what, they got deleted too. He is way too addicted to internet porn for me to EVER consider posting or sharing even those pics, which are no worse than a swimsuit. It never occurred to me they would be a problem.however I do have the saved email to prove my innocence. He also sets up cameras around the house and doesnt tell so he can snoop and listen to my phone calls while I am gone.

I just dont talk in my house. My car is the only safe place. I unlug the cameras and have dunked some into water. I guess it sounds vengeful, but I will not  put up with being spied on in my own home.  

[Louise7777]

Hey crazylife. Im surprised to hear about all that (the cameras especially)... .   Not sure how it works in your country, but what about going to pshychiatrist or therapist or both? That can be used as evidence in the future.

I hope this situation comes to an end soon. Take care of yourself and be very careful!