What about "anger" that isn't "righteous" that a pwBPD holds onto?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As many of you know, very intense anger is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD). But, unlike some other symptoms of BPD (i.e., feelings of emptiness, or fear of abandonment), many people with BPD feel the need to hold on to anger. For example, I have had readers and clients say things like, "Everyone is always telling me to let go of my anger. But when someone hurts me, don't I deserve to feel angry? Why should I let it go?"

Here is one of the real sticky spots with BPD - many people with BPD have been hurt very badly by others, and feel righteous anger about that. Of course, when you are hurt by another person, you do deserve to feel angry. But, when you hold on to that anger, going over the misdeeds over and over again, it hurts only you.

This is something I struggle with as a therapist. How much anger is enough anger? At what point does anger become "too much?" How can you balance having righteous anger, but not allowing it to take over your life? For the answers, I keep coming back to the practice of mindfulness. Just as we tend to try to judge or push away some emotions, anger is one of those emotions that sometimes we try to control by hanging on to it. Mindfulness skills teach us to acknowledge the anger but allow it to flow naturally, without letting it control us, without trying to control it, just letting it be what it is.

What do you do with your righteous anger?  Do you hold on to it? Does it hurt you, or get in your way?

by:  K. Salters-Pedneault, Ph.D.

About.com Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder



What do T's do when their clients are holding onto anger that isn't righteous?  Or what about the times that the pwBPD are holding onto anger where they perceived an injustice but aren't remembering the story accurately?


My BPDH is very angry at your younger son over an incident that occured over 8 months ago.  Since then, my H hasn't spoken to him and has told EVERYONE a very inaccurate story about this incident.  My H was raging at me over his frustration at not getting an internet connection, our adult son overheard and tried to calm H down, and my H actually got physical with our son.  My H made TWO physical attempts at our son before our son finally responded with force (my kids have NEVER been physical people).  My H ended up with a (well-deserved) black eye.  My H was 100% responsible for this incident because he started raging and he started getting physical first.  (this was all reported in a police report by both me and my son). 

Since that event, my H has LIED about this event claiming that our son attacked him out of nowhere.  He has everyone, including his T, believing that he's some innocent victim.  Ugh.  I have been "blamed" for not intervening and for not "siding" with my H.  The whole thing was H's fault. 

Anyway... . the intense anger is still there. H recently left a life-threatening message on our son's voice mail which has been turned over to the police.

His T seems to think he has "righteous anger".  Even if he was "right", his T is doing nothing to encourage him to "let go" of his anger or even possibly see that he had a role in this.  (I have told his T that H got physical first with 2 physical actions).   I have told her that his was 100% H's fault. 

So, what do T's do in cases like this?  My sister, a T, says that at some point confrontation must take place, but I think H's T would rather him believe that he was wronged. 

either way, righteous anger or not, why wouldn't a T work to have the client move past such incidents instead of allowing their clients to continue to marinate in their misery?  Several times my H has said that this incident has made him suicidal, but even that hasn't moved his T to get him to move past this. 

And, why would a T even think that a BPD person has righteous anger since their perspective is often skewed?

[SadWifeofBPD]

As many of you know, very intense anger is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD). But, unlike some other symptoms of BPD (i.e., feelings of emptiness, or fear of abandonment), many people with BPD feel the need to hold on to anger. For example, I have had readers and clients say things like, "Everyone is always telling me to let go of my anger. But when someone hurts me, don't I deserve to feel angry? Why should I let it go?"

Here is one of the real sticky spots with BPD - many people with BPD have been hurt very badly by others, and feel righteous anger about that. Of course, when you are hurt by another person, you do deserve to feel angry. But, when you hold on to that anger, going over the misdeeds over and over again, it hurts only you.

This is something I struggle with as a therapist. How much anger is enough anger? At what point does anger become "too much?" How can you balance having righteous anger, but not allowing it to take over your life? For the answers, I keep coming back to the practice of mindfulness. Just as we tend to try to judge or push away some emotions, anger is one of those emotions that sometimes we try to control by hanging on to it. Mindfulness skills teach us to acknowledge the anger but allow it to flow naturally, without letting it control us, without trying to control it, just letting it be what it is.

What do you do with your righteous anger?  Do you hold on to it? Does it hurt you, or get in your way?

by:  K. Salters-Pedneault, Ph.D.

About.com Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder



What do T's do when their clients are holding onto anger that isn't righteous?  Or what about the times that the pwBPD are holding onto anger where they perceived an injustice but aren't remembering the story accurately?


My BPDH is very angry at your younger son over an incident that occured over 8 months ago.  Since then, my H hasn't spoken to him and has told EVERYONE a very inaccurate story about this incident.  My H was raging at me over his frustration at not getting an internet connection, our adult son overheard and tried to calm H down, and my H actually got physical with our son.  My H made TWO physical attempts at our son before our son finally responded with force (my kids have NEVER been physical people).  My H ended up with a (well-deserved) black eye.  My H was 100% responsible for this incident because he started raging and he started getting physical first.  (this was all reported in a police report by both me and my son). 

Since that event, my H has LIED about this event claiming that our son attacked him out of nowhere.  He has everyone, including his T, believing that he's some innocent victim.  Ugh.  I have been "blamed" for not intervening and for not "siding" with my H.  The whole thing was H's fault. 

Anyway... . the intense anger is still there. H recently left a life-threatening message on our son's voice mail which has been turned over to the police.

His T seems to think he has "righteous anger".  Even if he was "right", his T is doing nothing to encourage him to "let go" of his anger or even possibly see that he had a role in this.  (I have told his T that H got physical first with 2 physical actions).   I have told her that his was 100% H's fault. 

So, what do T's do in cases like this?  My sister, a T, says that at some point confrontation must take place, but I think H's T would rather him believe that he was wronged. 

either way, righteous anger or not, why wouldn't a T work to have the client move past such incidents instead of allowing their clients to continue to marinate in their misery?  Several times my H has said that this incident has made him suicidal, but even that hasn't moved his T to get him to move past this. 

And, why would a T even think that a BPD person has righteous anger since their perspective is often skewed?

[tuum est61]

Hi Sadwife,

I didn't take the time to read through your posts to get the whole backstory, but I am wondering the circumstances that seem to give you access to his therapist - ie how/why is it that you have discussions with your Husband's therapist?    

But I will leave you to ponder these additional questions.  How does one go about distinguishing between a righteous feeling and as non righteous one? Because of the facts?  What do we know about feelings and facts for persons with BPD?  

[daze]

And, why would a T even think that a BPD person has righteous anger since their perspective is often skewed?

From this post and your other posts, it doesn't sound like his T thinks he has BPD.  I think you said DID was her diagnosis, but I might have missed that she changed the diagnosis in a later post.

I'm not sure about "righteous" anger.  It seems like 8 months is a long time to hold onto this - particularly when it's your child.  A normal person would want to address it, work a solution so whoever could apologize or make amends, and then work toward forgiveness.

Daze

[SadWifeofBPD]

Hi Sadwife,

I didn't take the time to read through your posts to get the whole backstory, but I am wondering the circumstances that seem to give you access to his therapist - ie how/why is it that you have discussions with your Husband's therapist?    

But I will leave you to ponder these additional questions.  How does one go about distinguishing between a righteous feeling and as non righteous one? Because of the facts?  What do we know about feelings and facts for persons with BPD?  

There has been a few communications with H's T because of his suicide attempts.  Also, my son had an hour-long meeting with her.

As for righteous vs non-righteous feelings:  H's T knows that H "got physical" with our son first.  Yet, H has these "righteous" feelings about the whole thing.  His shrink (another person) told him that he acted in an immature fashion and that he caused the situation.  So, his T is at odds with his shrink.

[SadWifeofBPD]

And, why would a T even think that a BPD person has righteous anger since their perspective is often skewed?

From this post and your other posts, it doesn't sound like his T thinks he has BPD.  I think you said DID was her diagnosis, but I might have missed that she changed the diagnosis in a later post.

I'm not sure about "righteous" anger.  It seems like 8 months is a long time to hold onto this - particularly when it's your child.  A normal person would want to address it, work a solution so whoever could apologize or make amends, and then work toward forgiveness.

Daze

My question wasn't regarding H particularly.  It was a general question regarding pwBPD and T's that are dealing with long-held anger.

As for H's Dx.  There have been several T's and one shrink over the years.  The shrink, who he only saw for a very short time while in rehab, wrote that he had DPP... . but that was based on limited info, and very controlled info (lies) that H gave her.  The T that he saw 20 years ago, said that he had BPD, but H denied that.  I recently found the paperwork with that Dx.  I'm not really sure what his current T has Dx'd him with.  She's aware of his outbursts, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and his history of physical altercations with others.  We have discussed that he has a "cluster B" Axis II personality disorder, but she didn't specify which one.  DPP isn't a cluster B disorder. 

My sister, a T, has spent a gazillion hours around my H, including staying in our home for periods of time.  She says that he has BPD with NPD and Paranoid PD traits.  My sis has been a T for 20 years and went to elite schools.  She is amazing and has been 100% right with everything that she has said and predicted about what H would do in various situations. 

But, his current T is a cream puff.  She went to a lousy school for her degrees and her "treatment" is mostly just letting H "go on and on" in her office.  H once had another T like that and after 4 years of wasting money, H finally admitted that he was just a "paid friend," who offered nothing. 

A T that we saw together 3 years ago, threw H out of his office and told him to never come back. 

[tuum est61]

But, his current T is a cream puff.  She went to a lousy school for her degrees and her "treatment" is mostly just letting H "go on and on" in her office.  H once had another T like that and after 4 years of wasting money, H finally admitted that he was just a "paid friend," who offered nothing. 

A T that we saw together 3 years ago, threw H out of his office and told him to never come back. 

So his current T is a cream puff and he's wasted time with another and been thrown out of therapy with yet another.  He's at "odds" with his "shrink" re the abusive interaction with your son. 

What do you think is the prognosis for your H successfully making any change as a result of therapy?  And given the probable answer, what other steps may you be able to take to deal with the reality of his BPD? 

[SadWifeofBPD]

But, his current T is a cream puff.  She went to a lousy school for her degrees and her "treatment" is mostly just letting H "go on and on" in her office.  H once had another T like that and after 4 years of wasting money, H finally admitted that he was just a "paid friend," who offered nothing. 

A T that we saw together 3 years ago, threw H out of his office and told him to never come back. 

So his current T is a cream puff and he's wasted time with another and been thrown out of therapy with yet another.  He's at "odds" with his "shrink" re the abusive interaction with your son. 

What do you think is the prognosis for your H successfully making any change as a result of therapy?  And given the probable answer, what other steps may you be able to take to deal with the reality of his BPD? 

Just as someone wrote in a previous thread, it's like watching a train wreck. 

My sister tells me that things are going to get worse because pwBPD who are also alcholics are likely going to get worse and have further troubles. 

Now that he's living on his own, he's likely not very happy because he's very used to having someone take care of him. He's not used to doing laundry, cleaning, making meals, etc. 

In hindsight, when I look over how he's lived, he's always planted himself in stiuations where he attaches himself to someone who is a "do-er" - someone who's organized and takes care of things.  His goal is to find a woman who will "take care of him," but most career women today aren't wiired to be so motherly to a grown man when there's no evidence of a two-way street.  Plus, now he's an alcoholic and even more needy than he ever was. 

Plus, since he doesn't think that he ever does anything wrong, he'll repeat the same behaviors and become angry when the woman expresses dissatisfaction. 

As each week goes by, he's realizing all that he's lost... .   his home, his children, his dog, and me (the person that took care of him and was the target of his anger). 

I now wonder who will become the new target of his anger?  It's got to go somewhere. 

I don't know how it will end.