Transition Strategies Needed

[Jai Yen]

My uN/BPDw and I are in the process of divorcing. I had her served in early Feb. She's lived away from me and our D17 and S16 for going on 5 years. She's back in her home country. I hope to have a settlement meeting in August when she comes back again.

I know some of you must maintain a post-divorce relationship for the sake of your kids and perhaps for financial reasons. I'll ask my questions first and then give some details of my situation if you're interested:

1. Is it possible in your view to maintain a constructive ongoing relationship with an ex N/BPD spouse?

2. Was it worth it to maintain an ongoing relationship with your ex?

3. Do you wish you'd done the post divorce differently and if so in what way?

4. What communication strategies do you use to maintain boundaries but still show support?

5. How long did it take for you to "recover" and start to feel whole again after your divorce?

6. Do you feel maintaining contact with your ex slowed down your ability to recover emotionally after your divorce?

Details about my situation:

I understand that even thought our marriage is ending we must continue our relationship. I have suggested to her that our relationship must transition from a marriage to co-parents and business partners.  We both want to help our kids get a good start in life and to that end to maintain our mutual business. Also, the business will help both of us secure a better future financially. The business is tied into to her employment so it is very important for her to maintain our business.

My "for the greater good" strategy:

1. Cooperate with her to maintain our business for the next 3 ~ 5 years

2. Clearly define the exit strategy for our business (the Ls are working on this)

3. Once per week we need to meet and discuss business for one hour

4. She and the kids can arrange Skype meetings directly (this is fairly infrequent - as it was in the past)

5. My S16 has been seeing a T which is helping - he is beginning to understand the need for boundaries

6. My D17 is a super teen - very active in club activities and school - she's doing fine and pretty much avoids communicating with her mother or communicates with her very briefly- (they don't argue because my D17 is like me she doesn't like to argue. It's just not interesting for D17 - the conversation is mostly about her mother's issues etc... .   )

7. I continue to make it clear that our marriage is over - I don't want to give her false hope

8. We set up ground rules for our weekly meetings that include sticking to business discussions and either of us can end the Skype call if we feel uncomfortable.

Things have gone OK since she's returned for the most part. She hasn't ranted or raged since she was served.

During last weeks meeting she told me in depth in a very clinical way about how traumatic her childhood was. Her father was away from she, her younger sister, and mother for weeks at a time working. Her uN/BPD mother left her to care for her younger sister and went out all night partying from the time she was about 6 ~ 13. Her mother was an alcoholic and verbally abused her. She said she never felt safe. Also, the education system in her home country is very non-validating.

Long story short, she admitted that she has a problem. I suggested that she seek help so she can heal and find relief. I made it clear however that our marriage is over. I think mentally she accepts that fact but emotionally it is really hard for her. Me too for that matter (strangely enough). I also made it clear that I am not in a position to be her emotional support system or to coach her through the process of working on her problems. I did that long enough!

Yesterday we had a meeting. She started into the emotion stuff and I told her we need to discuss business matters. She continued and I ended the call. She emailed and promised she'd stick to business. I told her by email that for a while we can discuss business matter by email only because it is too emotional for me to Skype with her.

She finally returns to work next week (hopefully - her mental condition seems so unstable - actually that's common for her). She seems to understand that work is good for her. I know I'm going to have an ongoing struggle with her for a while. I accept this fact. As always I appreciate your insight... .  

[livednlearned]

1. Is it possible in your view to maintain a constructive ongoing relationship with an ex N/BPD spouse?

For me, it was not something I could do. I was so deeply codependent, and he was so abusive and manipulative, that I had to sever that r/s.

2. Was it worth it to maintain an ongoing relationship with your ex?

I was not running a business with my ex, but if I was, I can see how that would complicate the emotional recovery. If I benefited financially, but suffered emotionally, I might double up on therapy to help me cope while simultaneously creating a financial exit plan.

3. Do you wish you'd done the post divorce differently and if so in what way?

I wish I had handled the marriage differently, but in retrospect, I shot out of my marriage like a cannon because I was that codependent. I think I'm one of the people who needed things to get scary before I did what needed to be done.

4. What communication strategies do you use to maintain boundaries but still show support?

I always treat my n/BPDx with respect. I do things like start every email with his name, and sign every email with my name. I always say please when asking him for information. If I receive information about my son that I think will make N/BPDx feel closer to S11, I send it. Photos, notifications from school. As long as it does not make me feel unsafe, I share information with N/BPDx. All of my communication is by email, so that allows me the distance I need to keep my composure. I try to treat every interaction as a brand new opportunity -- more because I want to model something for myself. I keep my boundaries firm, and I do not respond to abuse, not even to say that I won't respond to abuse. I try to make all my choices about feeling centered, regardless of how N/BPDxh handles himself.

5. How long did it take for you to "recover" and start to feel whole again after your divorce?

Until you asked this question, I don't think I really considered what full recovery meant to me, but I guess I took dating as a sign that I was feeling whole again. It took me 24 months to get there, and N/BPDxh and I were married for 10 years. I had some long-distance emotional intimacy with former bfs before that, so it was a process.

6. Do you feel maintaining contact with your ex slowed down your ability to recover emotionally after your divorce?

I actively sought to minimize contact, so I'm not exactly the right person to ask about this. But I have an opinion anyway  

I think the more work you do with a T, or the more books you read to help you understand codependence, the faster you recover, regardless of whether or not your ex is in your life. Once you start to spend more time understand how you function, and learn about boundary setting, assertiveness, self worth, taking care of others, etc. the easier it is to see anyone's behavior from the perspective of a healthy inner life. Including a disordered ex.

My two cents.

LnL

[Jai Yen]

LnL - thanks for the very insightful responses - it really helps me as I make steady progress toward my newly found freedom. I've read that even if you initiate the divorce and the marriage was abusive / not good in the first place that you have to go through a process of healing before your heart can be open to a new r/s. It has to do with the loss of what our expectation for the r/s was not the actual r/s. I accept I need to pass through this phase. I definitely don't want to get involved with another pwBPD because I didn't fully recover! Our relational minds "get it" in terms of why we need to move on and "get over it" however our hearts need more time to catch up.

Your answer to this question was right on:

I was not running a business with my ex, but if I was, I can see how that would complicate the emotional recovery. If I benefited financially, but suffered emotionally, I might double up on therapy to help me cope while simultaneously creating a financial exit plan.

I'm actually in the process of doing that. I'm mostly looking out for my kids in terms of my willingness to maintain our mutual business. They're off to college soon so maintaining income is important. Also, my son is seeing a T right now. I can't afford for both of us to see a T! I'll start seeing a T again soon as August draws nearer and my ex is back to here to work out our divorce settlement along with our Ls.

[livednlearned]

Also, my son is seeing a T right now. I can't afford for both of us to see a T! I'll start seeing a T again soon as August draws nearer and my ex is back to here to work out our divorce settlement along with our Ls.

Yeah, therapy bills can add up. I think if you are very motivated to recover and be healthy, reading can and does go a long way. I'm a pretty methodical, organized person. I approached my healing like a project and took it seriously. I read books suggested here, including ones I thought didn't apply to me. I learned something profound from everything I read -- nothing was wasted. Reading is only the compass though. You still need to get out and walk to reach your destination. So I tried to apply what I was learning and experimented, even when it was uncomfortable. My biggest motivator was S11, and he has also been my greatest teacher. I would try things with him, and he was so responsive, and that let me know when I was on the right path. He was considered an at-risk kid at age 8, and is now thriving in middle school. He still has some issues, but hey! It's middle school 

I don't know much about you other than what you've written here, but I sense that you might also be a very motivated and organized person.  You seem very curious and open, and are willing to hurt a little in order to heal. That's a big indicator, imo, that you'll make a lot of progress.

Looking back at the two emotionally intimate experiences I had with long-distance boyfriends, they were both important to my healing. I got hurt reconnecting with both of them, even though it was only by phone. But I learned from the pain. I'm now dating someone who is healthier than anyone I've ever dated. I'm not sure if he's the person I'll be with forever, but being with someone who is so kind and responsive and emotionally available has been amazing. And one of the reasons we got off to such a great start, in my opinion, is because I had just finished reading Mars and Venus On A Date  I have always moved way too quickly in relationships, and the book, even though it's kinda cheesy, really helped me think about the psychological reasons we need to go through specific dating stages.

When you are ready to date, the people on Building Healthy Relationships are wonderful, just like on the Family Law boards. You go on a date and then come back here and share your experience and ask for guidance. All of us are freaked out about landing in another BPD relationship! We want to make sure we see the  , and many of us (if not all) have coped with codependence issues, so you'll hear lots of great advice from people who understand the quandary. 

I'm still processing everything, but I do feel like I earned a pair of glasses that lets me see myself and others much more clearly. One day you'll get there and realize you can see just fine, and you'll know you've arrived 

[Jai Yen]

Thanks again LnL. You're right I am organized and I take on things with a methodical approach. I also seek the best quality advice I can find be it in books, finding the right people or on this site.

Anyway, your statement is so right on:

Reading is only the compass though. You still need to get out and walk to reach your destination. So I tried to apply what I was learning and experimented, even when it was uncomfortable.

My kids are also my main motivating factors. I refuse to "give up" or let down my guard in terms of my ex because of them.

BTW I'm reading the Mars/Venus Starting Over book. You're right a little corny but also his writing is really clear and resonates with me.