super critical

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My ex was extremely critical of everyone.  He would always comment on the clothes people wore and how awful their outfit was or how fat they were. Watching the news or any tv program would be filled with comments about their awful hair style or whatever.  It was ongoing and looking back i realize just how critical he really was.  He never seemed to tear himself apart very much... .   just everyone else including me.

Did you find your ex partner was extremely critical and was always making comments?  Just wondering if that was their way of projecting their own insecurities by criticizing everyone else.

[healingmyheart]

My ex was extremely critical of everyone.  He would always comment on the clothes people wore and how awful their outfit was or how fat they were. Watching the news or any tv program would be filled with comments about their awful hair style or whatever.  It was ongoing and looking back i realize just how critical he really was.  He never seemed to tear himself apart very much... .   just everyone else including me.

Did you find your ex partner was extremely critical and was always making comments?  Just wondering if that was their way of projecting their own insecurities by criticizing everyone else.

[wishingwell17]

yes, mine was very critical. Of others and of himself. It included the superficial, but more the intellectual.

He thought he was quite a conversationalist, but as I began to detach I realized he was talking, talking and talking... .   not much room for other opinions. I found myself often just saying "I don't have an opinion or answer for you" just to get away from the conversation. It was a death wish for me if I dared offer a personal experience on the subject. He would immediately interrupt me and say "How did this  subject become about you". I thought it was a casual conversation/exploration - apparently not. If I did not have hard facts, with supportive proof of my opinion from a scholar, I learned not to offer anything. There were times I simply jumped on google for the subject to find an authority to read aloud to avoid him becoming aggressive if I was unable to articulate my opinion in a manner to suit him.

I enjoy a lively debate of others' opinions, experiences or perspectives (and have good experiences with family and friends doing so) and more often than not leave a good debate feeling enlightened in some way. Conversations with him were not "fun". He enjoyed not exploring a concept to it's natural end, but rather not allowing any exploration at all. I also found this behavior often preceded a meltdown or anger episode.

Secure individuals, in my view, are able to interact and enjoy all kinds of people and views. I'm not sure if this was a BPD thing, and NPD thing or just his contrary personality?

I will say he was NOT this way in groups or with his friends. He was VERY quiet. People think of him as shy. I did see him behave this abrasive way with his mom once, and his younger brother has a doctorate in philosophy from an Ivy league, so maybe it was some weird insecurity based in an FOO issue?

It was annoying for sure, and just another area which felt very odd and unnatural to me.

[healingmyheart]

wishingwell17,

That's interesting how he would act one way with you and totally different (shy) with friends and in a group. 

My ex was also very rigid in his opinions.  He would control me with his opinions of things.  If he felt a certain way about something and I didn't necessary agree, well, he just thought that his opinion automatically trumped mine and we should do whatever he said.

In hindsight I can really look back and see the control and manipulation.  It's really scary that I allowed a man to come into my house and take over my space and control my life.  Why would I allow that?

[Mightyhammers]

She said she felt like the man of the relationship – this stemmed from the way I drank my beer when we were out. No, really.

[WalrusGumboot]

My ex would say some of the most demeaning things to me, as well as to others, like they were crafted by the devil to cause the most pain. In the end I had to watch every word I said and everything I did around her that I felt like some robot. When I was with others, I acted more natural, and that shocked me as to the contrast. I felt like some kind of phony and guilty for I don't know what. It is amazing how it all messes with your head.

[Leaf]

My BPD (w/NPD traits)xbf depends on his good looks for attention and wasn't critical in general (only of me and my family) but he really despised people who were fat or 'ugly'. Especially when we were in the country, where people aren't so preoccupied with their looks as in the city, I sometimes was really embarrassed because of the things he said a little too loud about people in the mall.

What struck me is that he really only looked at the outside. There were women who weren't ugly in my book,  average looking with a personality that made them quite beautiful. But he seemed incapable of seeing that. He could only see the surface. What might have had an effect is that the women didn't give him those "wow who's that" looks he's used to in the city. They were very down to earth and he must have considered them 'uncontrollable'. He's had girlfriends I find quite ugly and a lot more who were average looking at best, but they looked up to him the way he likes it.

He often told me I was fat although I'm quite thin, but – as opposed to previous gf's – I didn't let him control me into getting even thinner. As he eats for comfort he's always struggeling with his weight himself, so it was all projection.

[healingmyheart]

Leaf,

My ex also made me feel that my physique wasn't ever "perfect" enough.  I'm in my early 50's, go to the gym everyday and am in pretty darn good shape for my age.  I find other guys (including younger guys   ) looking at me at the gym so obviously it appeals to them but somehow I never felt good enough for my ex.  Before I meet my ex, I was proud of my body and while I was with him, I was constantly questioning myself.

My ex also was appalled by overweight people and would be  open and express his distain for them.  He has a teenage daughter who is absolutely stunning... .   she's even a model.  She is very tall and lean just like all the high fashion models.  It seemed like every time she came over, he would comment that she looked like she had gained weight and he was worried about it.  I couldn't believe his obsession with weight for she had nothing to worry about and never will.  No surprise, after years of putting up with his criticism, his daughter has no self confidence... .   so sad.  

He had a married girlfriend who was the one who introduced us and ultimately was the demise of us due to the emotional affair they had after we got together.  He lied to me that he had a physical affair with her in the past when I questioned him about it.  He ultimately had to admit the truth because I ran across evidence.  When he was trying to explain it to me, he made it clear that he never would have searched her out since he never really found her attractive but it was just a matter of circumstances.  Looks seem really important to him and he wouldn't ever be seen with someone who he doesn't consider good looking.  

I guess now that I'm on his "black list", he'll be telling others that I also was just a matter of circumstances... .  

I wonder what he's going to do when he starts losing his looks as he ages and can't use that to his advantage?