Helping my non-BPD siblings navigate the landmines... help

[mom2bkl]

Hi again... .   I'll try not to write a book but need some good direction on this My dd18 who has been identified with BPD characteristics is in the last two months of high school and the stressors feel like through the roof! Doing the very typical behaviors of BPD like not going to school for absolutely no reason, never being home, totally disengaging from family but in total denial that anything isn't "normal" and comes home demanding all the attention everyone can give her! Her 16-year-old sister is a total over-achiever who is ANGRY at her... .   she knows she has BPD but is so sick of all the drama and having to go to a school where her sister has a terrible reputation of everything BPD and yet people telling her... .   why are you so mean to your sister... .   of course people who are the outside of the family having no idea of the hell that happens under our roof.

How do I help her learn to let go of the anger? There was an explosion this morning because my dd16 asked dd18 not to wear her clothes anymore... .   every time she comes home she wreaks of smoke and that is something that we find unacceptable and dd16 doesn't want her clothes smelling like that... .   on top of they are all in a constant heap on her floor with laundry basically never getting done and her just recycling and using her sister's clothes to fill the blank. I understand dd16 frustration and want to help her navigate through something that feels like such a double standard in our home... .   two kids trying to do their very best in everything and one that couldn't care less about anything... .   ack... .   any easy reads for a teenager or advice will be soo appreciated!

P.S. Thank you all for your posts... .   sometimes I just sit and cry with gratefulness that there are others who understand what happens behind closed doors in a BPD family

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I have two daughters too... .   dd15 is the one with BPD... .   dd!18 is the non with good grades etc... .  

We have this very problem... .   I think in time my older daughter just accepted it. She is still angry at times but on the whole she gets along with her sister pretty good.

Around two years ago I installed a lock on my dd18 door... .   the kind you just punch in numbers to open. My dd15 can no long borrow (steal) her clothes and my dd18 can go out and not worry about her sister going through her room. That relieved a lot of stress in our home. Sisters are always going to try a borrow clothes and I think you will find this in any family.

As far as you dd losing interest in school... .   I think that is call senior fever! My daughter is counting the days until school is over and she is on her way to college... .  

Something I have insisted on with my duaghters is that they are respectful to one another when they are in public and if either one is in trouble the other one should be there for support. Your dd16 needs to know that disrespecting your dd18 will not be tolerated. I tell my kids that one day I will be gone and they are going to need each other so be good to each other.I have had to punish my older daughter for this in the past and it really hits home with the child that is never in trouble... .   I can't stress this enough.

My two like to compete with each other for everything... .   it is a hard balancing act for me because they are not the same and my dd15 wBPD does demand a lot of time and energy. That is life... .   it is not always fair... .   a lesson we all need to learn at times.  

[lbjnltx]

You might get her one of the autobiographies by pwBPD to read.

"The Buddha and the Borderline" might be good though I read in a review there is some sexual content... .   which I think is true of the other 2 as well.

"Get Me Out of Here"

"Loud In The House of Myself"

[griz]

Hi momtobkl:

My dd18 is the younger daughter and her older sister by 6 years was very effected by what goes on.  In the beginning she tried to be helpful and then in time she too became angry.  I realized that alot of it had to do with DD getting everyone's attention.  Our lives revolved around DD.  So one night I took my older daughter out to dinner.  Just the two of us.  I validated how hard this is for her and I told her how much I appreciate how hard she tries.  I also let her know that it is ok to be angry and to dislike her sister at times however  asked her to try to keep in mind where her actins come from  at times.  I also told her she is not to tolerate being disrespected by her sister.

The other thing I did was make her a copy of my DBT workbook.  We talked about the different skills that we learn and how she could try to use them.  I think above all the most important thing I did was validating her feelings and asking her what I could do to make things better for her.  I learned in our conversation that she was feeling a bit unimportant and that while I was focusing on DD I had stopped asking her about herself.

It is not perfect but I think just being heard and acknowledged helped. 

Griz

[vivekananda]

hi mom2bkl  

This is a really difficult situation. It feels like a tightrope sort of thing where you could be feeling torn between two beautiful girls who both need you.

Now, I haven't been in this situation, but I do remember when my dd was a teenager. And I remember growing up with my older sibs as teenagers and it was hell - the arguing and fighting and nastiness.

Not having had to handle it, and being who I am, my answer to your problem immediately turned to 'boundaries'. I would set out (with dh), in writing, values and the boundaries that resulted in it. I would sit down with dds go through, ask them if they agreed that it was reasonable, to sign it off. And I would make a time once a week to visit what was happening and were boundaries being adhered to... .   Now that is possibly a very 'strict' response and may not be so helpful. It also seems to me that is a tad authoritarian and my goal would be to teach them how to resolve issues for themselves... .   but I would feel the need to provide a 'safe' environment for everyone... .  

Anyway, I think locks on doors are probably a good idea - if boundaries are broken.

For you I would suggest a look at the Lundbergs book "I don't have to make everything all better" has some good stuff on how to validate teenagers and teach them how to solve their own problems.

It sounds to me as if this is not going to go away with a concerted effort on your behalf. If seems that your ddBPD will be a cause for ongoing aggravation with your non dd. I expect some 'intense' reading of your own, and posting with us here may be important for you to help prepare for the long term also.

I hope this makes sense and I wish you lots of strength. When you had your babies you had the 'romantic' idea of a happy family for you and your dh and you have love enough to give, but it isn't working out as you wanted... .   so arm yourself with as much information as possible, some good support for you and your loved ones and prepare for a different sort of family. Your new family can be rewarding also, but with a non treated dd with BPD, it will continue to be challenging. Look after your non dd too, she needs you.

Cheers,

Vivek

[qcarolr]

A regular time at a favorite restaurant of my DD's choice helped our r/s so much for about a year when she was in high school. Until she got her license and could drive herself to school. DD26 still remembers these special lunches when I was giving her my full attention, just listening, not judging. She is an only child and struggled her whole life with various issues, including the BPD (we did not know abou BPD until she was 23 - bipolar dx when she was 6).

So if this worked for her, it might be a great thing for you non-BPD D. Well, maybe for each of them to have a special one-on-one time with you. The book Viv suggested is a great, practical guide to communication that works.

Let us know how things are going.

qcr  

[mom2bkl]

Thank you so much for all of your feedback... .   it is true that DD16 really needs her mom time, we have become very close during all this, especially this last year. In February we took a little vacation that had been cancelled when DD18 was in the hospital with pseudoseizures a year ago today actually... .   and DD16 and I went to Mexico... .   it was a little piece of bliss to not have to worry what drama was coming through the door and just have FUN!

I loved the idea of the lock on the door and that will be approached as a solution  if (when) she continues to take her sister's clothes. I also appreciated the feedback about making sure the sibs are respectful in public... .   and I think it is time we revisit that. It is very difficult for my DD16 because DD18s friends are not exactly upstanding citizens... .   but on a positive note she seems to be moving towards a little healthier group right now... .   you know the ever-revolving door of friends! BUT... .   UP is good!

I have ordered the book "I don't have to make everything all better" as I think we are slowly moving through the phases of acceptance and I want to make sure our home is as healthy as it can be for all of us. I know we will need to be coming up with an exit plan for DD18 soon... .   and it will hurt this mommy and make me want to make it all better... .   but honestly a bit of separation WILL make it better for all of us!

Thank you again... .  

[vivekananda]

You will enjoy the book mom2bkl and I know it will be so helpful for you. Let us know what you think.

Keep us in touch with how things go, ok?

Lots of best wishes,

Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

Hi mom2bkl   

And  !

That must be so stressful for you as a mom! And for your dd16, having an older sister in the same school would be difficult in any case. With BPD added, it is probably over the top for her... .  

No wonder she is angry. Anger is often a sign that something needs to change. And as we all have a need to be understood, she also needs some safe environment in which to share/vent her feelings.

The lock would probably be a wonderful first step for her to start gaining more control over her personal space and environment. Most of her current life is strongly influenced by her sister (her home and school environment). What are some other possible changes that might help your daughter feel like she has her own life and identity that is separate from her sister and her condition?

Take good care of yourself, so you can take care of your girls. Thinking of you.