can't say anything right

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all,

My daughter is moved in... . and it sucks!  Crap everywhere.  Boxes she says she is going to take care of and hasn't. She can ask me questions about my life... . Whooa! I ask her.  I am not sincere and she doesn't like it when I ask her 20 questions.  just two.  How she is feeling and how was work?  Geezzzz.  I will not start a conversation with her any more.  She is telling me I really need to go to therapy.  She blames me for the way she is... .

Oh well thanks for listening

Fay

[Fay]

Hi all,

My daughter is moved in... . and it sucks!  Crap everywhere.  Boxes she says she is going to take care of and hasn't. She can ask me questions about my life... . Whooa! I ask her.  I am not sincere and she doesn't like it when I ask her 20 questions.  just two.  How she is feeling and how was work?  Geezzzz.  I will not start a conversation with her any more.  She is telling me I really need to go to therapy.  She blames me for the way she is... .

Oh well thanks for listening

Fay

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Fay!  


your post reminds so much of when dd18 lived at home.

Conversations were often off limits. Even saying goodnight or goodmorning I wouldnt get a reply, and dd's mess seemed to be strewn throughout every room in the house.

At one stage my dd even took to leaving notes around the house rather than speak to me.

To this day I dont know what she was angry, but more than likely it had nothing directly to do with me, and it is probably the same with your dd. Maybe it is coming from the stress of your dd moving back home who knows. I our minds we think "youd think they would be grateful to have a roof over their heads" but in pwBPD minds they are probably thinking something completley different so try not to personally .  

What i found helped was really take care of myself during this time. Try not let your emotions get ontop of you.Take time out to be around people who enjoy your company and , and choose your battles very carefully.  

[Fay]

Hi J's friend,

That was a bit of rant post.  I'm so upset. I came to the board to get it out.  Better here than with her.  No use trying to talk to her.  Validating, empathy, DBT... . blah blah! It doesn't seem to work when she has me the hated one again.  Took a walk with my dog, Haaa haaa.  Yep didn't take the dog for a walk!  She went to my room and started to yell at me and I told her to shut up and she closed the door.  I live in a one bed room condo... . I have the couch.  Don't mind I would rather have it that way.  Tomorrow I will tell her it is time to take care of the things she intended to take care of No more excuses. 

  She is 29 years old.  It was agreed she would be out by the end of October.

I will not go back to this blame game... . she is back to AA, therapy, ect. or out.

Thanks for listening. 

[vivekananda]

Hi Fay!

I can hear you are angry and who wouldn't be? It is hurtful when the things we do for our children are not appreciated by them, it is hurtful when we need a little comfort that we are the ones who are expected to give comfort. I get it.

It would be a challenge for anyone to be living in such close proximity to each other.  And to set a boundary to protect yourself is wise. Perhaps before you do it, it would help to re read the info available to us. there is a book which comes highly recommended: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend. It is easy to read and makes so much sense and is particularly helpful I am told. (I will have to read it one day - I don't have issues with boundaries my dd just has no contact with me). Also there is the workshop here:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It does us well to really consider our values. This isn't so easy I believe. I asked my dd what is her most important value and she said 'family'. Well apart from the fact this seems to be absurd based on her behaviour, family isn't a value. The thing about values is they are the guides by which we decide to live our lives, it is not what we expect others to be towards us, but what we think is important to help us in our relationships with others. My values are: respect, acceptance and co-operation. These are not just words but are concepts with great depths to them, and they guide how I behave.

You remember the 'serenity prayer'? "Give me the strength to change what I can change, accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two." You can't change your dd, you can change how you respond and that will help you feel better about yourself.


Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

How are you doing Fay?

Are things calming down at your place a bit?

Remember to take care of yourself... .    

[Fay]

Hi all,

Yes, I have calmed down.  My DD apologized to me.  She thought about it.  I have since let go.  I didn't set those so called boundaries when done in anger it never works for me.

I must've sounded like an idiot in my last post.  Thank you for the kind responses. 

My dd accepts the BPD. She tells me "she is too happy" and becomes manic.  Calms herself down, the same way if she becomes too angry.  She can accomplish this with Meditation, deep breathing, and relaxing.  She has made dinner and cleaned the house.  Has a job and helps with some of the grocery's. 

 

I haven't had to deal or understand BPD for years.  As she hasn't wanted to be a part of my life.  Ahh remember all to well how it goes.  Loving what is... .

Fay

[pessim-optimist]

It's so good to hear Fay! No worries, you are safe here.  

I haven't had to deal or understand BPD for years.  As she hasn't wanted to be a part of my life.  Ahh remember all to well how it goes.  Loving what is... .

That explains a lot. It looks like you are getting those see legs, though. 

[Fay]

yes, I am getting my sea legs again.  Don't take anything personally, be impeccable with my word, don't assume anything, and always do my best.   

Somedays my best will better than others! 

Fay

[vivekananda]

good to know you're only human   

Your dd accepts she has BPD... . wow! Did she have treatment? What happened? can you tell us?

love to you,

Vivek    

[Fay]

Hi,

Yes, my dd accepts her dx of BPD.  She will explain this or that behavior is a symptom of her disorder. I see in her that it is almost a relief to have a dx. Now, she knows what is wrong and she can do something about it.   She is in therapy and goes every few weeks.  I thought she quit going.  Her acceptance of BPD doesn't stop the behavior, but it sure helps.  I am starting to see this with her now.  When she able to apologize and explain to me  what she is sorry for.   

She knows when she is feeling high anxiety or overwhelmed and what she can do about it.  She takes her medication.  Started to meditated/pray again. I really don't know what else to say Vivek .  This came from her and her willingness to want to change.  She wants it so bad.  It is all still so new to both of us.  She will tell me how she is feeling.  She's suffering through a break up of a 8 year relationship(very abusive from him and his family) I was not involved at all because she didn't want me around.  She asks me how long will the pain last.  I tell her as long as she wants and time will heal it.  We talk a lot after the last post. 

I keep validating her, treating her with respect and understanding.  Once again taking care of myself.

With hopeful thoughts,

Fay

[vivekananda]

That is such a bitter sweet story Fay. There is so much heartbreak in it for you with what has happened and there is such hope for your dd and your relationship with her. And you tell it so simply too. Makes me a bit  :'( what a softie eh?

I am so happy that it has turned around for you. Please stay in touch and let us know how it progresses. In the meantime, have you read my all time favourite BPD book: "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr? If you haven't I highly recommend it to you.

Do you have any face to face support for yourself? Are you seeing a T? Do you attend a group meeting for carers of pw BPD?

Now that your dd is back living with you, you do need to take care of yourself.

cheers,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Fay]

Hi Vivek  and all,

Well, you hit me over the head with reality.  It is a good thing!

It could all change and very quickly. I don't mean to make it so simplistic it is not.  It is very heartbreaking. It could all be a cover on her part.  She tells me all of this and to do it is another matter.  I am very hopeful or wishful. Maybe I want it so bad I am not seeing it for what the truth is?Just don't know what else I can do but take it at face value.  I have not gotten the books yet.  NO T for myself.  This group is my soul support.  I do not have the money for a T.  I work three jobs to support myself and I am educated! But I think that is a different website.  This is what happens when you are 50 something.

I spent my saving,  thousands upon thousands for my DD to get into rehab.  She was addicted to Xanex.  But after that she was gone.  Poof!  She hated me, told me never to contact her again.That was about 5 years ago.  A year ago she needed help again for her drinking.  I told her I couldn't help her, but to go to AA and referred her to a friend of mine that deals with AA. She was doing great for a while and stopped seeing her sponsor and going to AA.  So now, the end of the relationship with the bf.  She needed a place to stay. I was over joyed... . I love her so much and would love to have a relationship with her.  The sponsor warned me not to let her come live with me.  She had no where else to go.

As you can see I am writing at the bewitching hour.  She came home last night sometime after 9. I woke up to use the rest room at around 2:30 a.m. and discovered she was gone. I have no idea where she is. She is 29 years old and can do what she likes.  This was yet another discussion on her part of her disappearing act after blowing her cousin and I off with plans on Saturday night. She tells me she should've called and how sorry she is and don't be mad at her.  But now she has done it again.    Yeah, time to get the book.  I know.  MY own avoidance to face this... .

So much has changed since I have had to deal with all this... . 15 or so years.  As a teenager she was dx with BPD traits. The only books available was "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I hate you don't leave me"... . and the blame of BPD went to... . The mother.  I guess I am just tired of being blamed for not doing enough or doing too much.   I have been there for my daughter every step of the way. I respect others boundaries.

Now, after tonight I don't know what to do.   :'(  I am at a loss and once again feel rather stupid.  So hopeful... .

Thanks for listening

Fay... .

[sunshineplease]

Now, after tonight I don't know what to do.

Oh, Fay, I have been there (and will be again). It always takes me a few days after a new "episode" to realize that nothing really has changed: It's the same disease, just another face of it, or a new twist on it (behaviorally), or just more of the same coming at a time when I'd let my guard down. Sometimes there is nothing for me to do but be still. Regroup. Wait until my wise mind takes over and helps me see what is me and what is her, and helps me set boundaries that will help me feel whole.

As strange as it might feel, "doing nothing," it's the only way I can hear my own voice. Inevitably, I find my way to an Al-Anon meeting, or call a friend, or light some candles. It helps me find a way not to be reactive, and to re-remember what I know: I didn't cause DD's BPD, and it's not within my ability to change it. All I can do is tend to me. If I really work at it, I'll be able to validate effectively, and maybe find a little bit of connection with my dear, disabled daughter.

[vivekananda]

oh Fay, don't be disheartened. It's just the BPD rollercoaster. I understand you would feel sad, hurt and all that stuff. I would like to give you another way to see it.

There is a wonderful story about a village that celebrates a saints day in Germany. They all turn out in a procession that lasts all day. They slowly take two steps forward, saying some set words and then take one step back, saying some set words. It is a lesson in learning how we make progress with ourselves - two steps forward, one step back. The procession takes the whole day to end up in the town hall square. The people in the procession don't seem to move and at ground level all seems to go nowhere. People who are too old or sick, or the tourists sit on a hill overlooking the village. What they see is a beautiful slowly moving colourful procession of people inching there way calmly to the centre of the village.

The lesson, maybe one lesson is that when we are in the midst of the chaos, we see no progress. If we observe from a distance, we can see the slow progress.

It seems to me that it is possible that what you have is slow progress... . 2 steps forward, 1 step back. If you want to get into that procession, I think a return to reading will help. The books you mention are still read today and are still good but there is more good stuff out there. For boundaries there is a highly recommended book - it's not about BPD just about boundaries: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend. For validation this is an excellent book, again not about BPD just about validation: "I don't have to make everything all better" by G & J Lundsberg. And here is an excellent UTube link. The video lasts for 50 mins and a pen and paper to take notes might help:

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

It must be hard working 3 jobs and having no money to speak of and no time either. If you can however find a group that meets, it is helpful for that face to face contact with people who understand. That mother blaming has eased up but it's still there in bits and pieces, we need support from as many places as possible. Have a look at these sites and see if there is a way to find a group from them perhaps.

Tara Organisation for BPD  

National Education Alliance for BPD

let us know how you go, ok?

Vivek