I'm pretty much detached

[waitaminute]

She emailed me and I responded. We said hi.

I thank this forum so much for preparing me for the next two days. Just like clockwork the idealization and adoration came. I kept an objective position, was honest about missing her but sometimes glad it was over, asked why and how things would be different if we (as she was suggesting) get back together, and said that I value my freedom now but was open to discussing a future if we could discuss it with understanding and fairness.

Because I was not jumping up and down with joy, she began to get a little mean with comments like "you never understood anything. You will never change." But then she backed off and said she was busy and we could write later.

I titled this  thread "pretty much detached" because - thanks to this forum and 5 month's of weekly therapy - I'm not all upset and frazzled. I used to walk on eggshells so as to not trigger her. While I try to use the communication techniques in the resource material here, I didn't really care if my honesty triggered her. She can go to one of her other bfs if she doesn't like my style. I care about her but I care for my own mental health more.

Liberating.

[just_think]

Dude... .  rock on.

I'm just hitting that sweet spot as well after a run in with mine, I realized I didn't care anymore.  Yeah, I miss her, but I don't care about offending her any more.  

Good to hear you are (mostly) detached. Things get so much better from here! Back to reclaiming our selves!

[waitaminute]

She is asking if we have a chance to get together again. It is sad but very clear to me that I want no part in the kind of life she gave me. And while she says she's changed now, I've already had to endure some email/messaging rage from her with the most bizarre accusations. Because I'm not really concerned about keeping the peace any more, I've responded with facts about her lying behavior in the past. And I also told her that if she hated me that she write 1000 times to me "I hate you. I hate your guts. I hate the air you breathe."

Interesting. A day goes by and she writes "ok. So what. Do we still have a chance?" I thought she would have painted me black.

When we said goodbye in October, I just tried to be kind and said "take care. Please find some peace" because I knew any dialog about what drove me to end the rs was useless. But I did not know how much anger I had stored up by not saying what I thought, by not laying out incident after incident of lying and disrespect. So when I got angry and laid it out finally, I feel more closure. I've even stopped smoking this week... . a terrible addiction that I picked up from her. Closure is so important.

[waitaminute]

She asked me if I still care.

I told her the truth even though it is not the "yes" or "no" she wants. I said:

"My mind says 'do not care about her'. My heart says 'she is precious.' "

I listened to my heart the past few years. But my heart is a bad judge of truth and character. I will still hear what my heart has to say, but it will not control me any more. My foolish heart.

[waitaminute]

Just want to continue logging what it's like to detach without being totally disconnected. I spent about 5 months nc after I ended it. The painting black by email was horrendous. Then we said hi by email. I'll add that she is an ocean and a culture distant from me.

When I was in the rs, I had read enough material to understand what was going on. But I still walked on eggshells because I didn't want to ruin the few really nice moments we had, whether in person or through the internet. Now -it's not that I don't care exactly but - the price of her BPD reactions is not so high. I love that Bobbie Mcghee song lyric "freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose". And I am free to be me. So I have vented my anger. I have joked with her on touchy subjects. I have said things like "go away". Yeah... .   I get  some fallout from her but then we converse again. I don't really know what's going on in her life. I could check her Twitter page but I don't. I could ask her but I don't. And when she says she's having a bad day and is in tears, I just express my view of tears being from a deep well of emotion and send her a hug. I don't ask why she's crying or offer my help. Five months of therapy have helped to keep the white knight in me off his horse.

As I look back on what I put up with... . primarily the other guys that she seemed to need in her life, I say to myself that if I never spoke to her again, I would miss her but ... .   so what. The old rs was toxic. Anything new and good between us will have to grow from a friendship based on balance and understanding... .   not a euphoric feeling of fate and soulmates.

Given how she has accepted some pretty rough criticism from me and some friendly but rough poking in the ribs, I'm convinced that being too nice is not a recipe for a good rs with her. Since the BPDs don't have a high opinion of themselves, they feel they don't deserve the nice treatment. So they sabotage the moment. This thought is also consistent with the more than average tendency for them to leave a loving partner for one that treats them badly. I'll never treat her badly but I'm done bending over backwards to make her happy.

I will have a big test and inner struggle if she asks me for financial help. I provided it in the past. If she finds herself without money, she may ask me. Then we will see what I am made of. I don't even know what that means other than it will be a difficult decision if I simply say no.

All this is not to say that everything is fine with me. My life was mostly ruined by my relationship with her. But I think i've caught myself from falling further into the abyss. Still, rebuilding is hard.

I hope everyone here can find that foothold that they need to climb out of the craziness that this mental illness causes.



 

[BorderlineMagnet]

"Since the BPDs don't have a high opinion of themselves, they feel they don't deserve the nice treatment. So they sabotage the moment. This thought is also consistent with the more than average tendency for them to leave a loving partner for one that treats them badly."

When you said that it hit me like a ton of bricks. That perfectly describes what happened with me and my current ex pwBPD. She would give me compliments, but could never take them. I was very loving to her, as she was to me. Yet after a perceived slight ( I was too late in calling her one friday night ), she went out and found her average, white trash loser that is just gonna use her for sex. That's her cycle from what she has told me of her past. It's so puzzling why they can't let someone truly love them. She really enjoyed how different I was from the previous men in her life, yet I believe she felt she couldn't live up to that. Funny thing is she made me happy in each and every way. This was not a hater BPD at all, very high-functioning. That's why it's so hard to be NC with her right now, which she half-heartedly initiated after I exposed her to her new man, that she was seeing me and him. I do plan on extending an olive branch on the anniversary of our meeting next month ( one of the last times we talked in person she mentioned that date ), since right now I think she may still be in "core shame" mode. It might be entirely futile, because she may never really let me, or anybody truly love her. But I think the love I can give her is a little different. It's the type of love that understands her faults are linked to this awful disorder, and that can persevere for the sake of her safety, and her children's safety.

[laelle]

Hello waitaminute,   it sounds like you would like to continue some sort of relationship with her, even if just as friends or giving moral support.  I know you say you have done lots of research about BPD and what makes them tick.

I do have to warn you here if your ex consistently has financial problems, there is no reason to believe those problems have ended.  Very quickly after she has gotten you to acknowledge and be sympathetic to her problems, there is no reason for her not to step on your boundary (which I gather you have based on your post) and began to guilt you into giving to her financially.

Or do you really even care about her.  You only pretend to care when you lend that sympathetic ear.... .    I have heard this all before.  This could be how she will guilt you into it.  Have you spent anytime on the Staying board?  I found the lessons there very helpful in dealing with creating and protecting my values and emotions with my own personal boundaries, while dealing with the chaos, guilt, fear, obligation of communication with a BPD.

What do you want to gain out of keeping contact with her?  :)o you feel in some way that you are still trying to fix her, or really just trying to prove to yourself that you can handle contact with her maybe?

Oh, I was going to also mention that I have found it helpful to create a thread for myself on the "Personal Inventory" board and track my own progress, feelings, unexpected good and bad days.  IT makes it easier for me to follow, and I discover something interesting and new about myself, and I have picked up some really caring and supportive friends there along the way.