Intimacy

[Jay1977]

I am new to this forum. My girlfriend of 2.5 years left me six weeks ago.

I suspect she is BPD, and I posted my story on another board.

I'm just wondering what to expect. She left with the intention of finding another man. But I know for a fact that she has not dated anyone since the breakup.

I know that she has serious problems dating men and connecting with them. She was single for more than two years before we got together, barely ever going on a date. And that wasn't for lack of male interest, since she is an incredibly pretty girl (it's not just my love speaking- she is very pretty).

I still need to be at our apartment every now and then, and I noticed that she has been watching endless quantities of porn. (5 hours non-stop last Friday night and 4 hours on Saturday). (while she drifted away from me more and more during our relationship. Sex became less and less frequent until she stopped completely about 7 months before it ended. She told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that I wasn't a man to her anymore).

Please tell me: should I expect her to become very promiscuous? Does that seem to be the standard response in BPD people after a breakup?

Or is it possible that, since she has intimacy issues, she has the desire to go wild, but not the ability emotionally?  

[somethingtolose]

I know that she has serious problems dating men and connecting with them. She was single for more than two years before we got together, barely ever going on a date. And that wasn't for lack of male interest, since she is an incredibly pretty girl (it's not just my love speaking- she is very pretty).

Please tell me: should I expect her to become very promiscuous? Does that seem to be the standard response in BPD people after a breakup?

Or is it possible that, since she has intimacy issues, she has the desire to go wild, but not the ability emotionally?  

No one can answer that question, people often make the mistake of lumping everyone with BPD together. Until they learn the coping strategies they will have to find outlets for the pain, that can manifest in a large variety of impulsive behaviors. Will your particular girlfriend transition into promiscuous relationships? It could happen. But the fact that she has been single in the past makes it more likely that she'll either remain single or get into another long-term committed relationship (just my opinion). The person I was involved with would get into long-term relationships over and over (many years later that evolved into promiscuity).

But you can never be certain about these things. The fact that she's just gotten out of a long-term relationship might make getting into another one too scary (and that would obviously lead to either short-term dating or being single).

[Clearmind]

Please tell me: should I expect her to become very promiscuous? Does that seem to be the standard response in BPD people after a breakup?

Or is it possible that, since she has intimacy issues, she has the desire to go wild, but not the ability emotionally? 

Jay, who knows to be honest!

I can understand how knowing she is promiscuous via others is hurtful, however does it change the behavior you have witnessed.

When we separate from our partners we need to understand that we cannot control what they do or don’t do!

[Jay1977]

somethingtolose:

thanks - that makes a lot of sense. I think she will be aiming for a long term relationship but I hope she will be too scared to take that plunge. I say that with the best of intentions to both her and myself. I still very much hope to patch things up with her.

Clearmind:

I realize rationally that I can't control her and that she has a right to be as promiscuous as she wants. But emotionally I have no words to tell you how much that would hurt. In the past, I even had nightmares about this and occasional panic attacks when she threatened with having sex with other men.

I realize that my emotional reaction is excessive and unhealthy and that I also have what to work on besides learning about her issues.

I ask these questions because I'm trying to understand this condition and how it might apply to her.   

[Clearmind]

Jay, under what circumstances did you meet your ex? What head space were you in and where was she at? Just split from BF? Seeing someone else?

[Jay1977]

She was a 23 year old sales girl at  cosmetics store. I saw her an was totally smitten. I first approached her in there, but without success. I then pursued her for 2.5 year (on and off) and she turned me down multiple times. I would drop by the store and chat with her every time I would be in the area. I had another relationship (on and off) during that time- so it wasn't like I pursued her non-stop or anything. We became friends and that is what allowed her to become open to the possibility of being more than friends.

We started growing closer and I began to make playful jokes about wanting her as a woman, until one day, while on a day trip to the beach she initiated a conversation about us getting together. We left as friends and returned as more than friends. It turned out she had had a crush on me for some months before she decided to go forward.

I was her third boyfriend. The first she was with for a year when she was twenty, the second she dated for about two months (they had sex twice) and he dumped her three times during that period.

She had been single for some two years between her second, two month relationship and me.

As for head space- I have to say that although I noticed us growing closer, she surprised me a bit deciding to move forward.

She was lovely and adoring, but I wasn't fully in it in the beginning. I had some doubts about her physique (ridiculous things like bust size. she is perfectly well built, but I was comparing to the previous woman I dated). In time, these doubts fully went away, but they were replaced by real doubts about her behavior.

But as time progressed, I fell more and more in love with her, and she less and less with me. I remember how we held hands all the time when we were together during the first year or so. I had to get used to that. Then I started liking it and began to initiate holding he hand. She liked that at first, but then began to stop initiating. After some time she would come up with excuses like me having sweaty hands. The mre she pushed me away, the more I tried to pull her back in... .    

[Clearmind]

In time, these doubts fully went away, but they were replaced by real doubts about her behavior.

These are the doubts we need to listen to and many of us didn't.

But as time progressed, I fell more and more in love with her, and she less and less with me. I remember how we held hands all the time when we were together during the first year or so. I had to get used to that. Then I started liking it and began to initiate holding he hand. She liked that at first, but then began to stop initiating. After some time she would come up with excuses like me having sweaty hands. The mre she pushed me away, the more I tried to pull her back in... .    

The push/pull dynamic is a common one.

Are you wanting to get back with her and she with you?

[somethingtolose]

I read some of your other posts. I think you don't quite grasp the depth of the mental illness. How long have you suspected that she has BPD? Did you just begin learning about it?

I say that because you keep discussing tactics and strategies. There are some tactics that can help on a day-to-day level to help keep your sanity when you are in a relationship with someone with BPD (you can find them on this website).

But, as far as I'm aware, there are no tactics that will lead to a stable "normal" relationship. I highly recommend that you begin to read heavily on the topic (lots of stuff on the site). Three books (you can find them on Amazon) that have helped me in particular are: Lost in the Mirror (a psychiatrist), The Siren's Dance (a husband), Get Me Out of Here (someone with BPD).

When you read about someone that has recovered, it's always a very long process. There are therapies that seem to work, but the person with BPD has to be in a state of mind where they are determined to get better along with an extremely determined health care professional.

I'm not an expert so you should take what I say with a grain of salt. But having been through the experience, I understand where you are at. If I was advising myself, I would highly recommend getting a therapist that specializes with BPD to talk through the situation. I would also tell myself to move on and begin therapy to help deal with the trauma of the relationship. However, in my case it felt like an extreme drug addiction and I would have done virtually anything to get the fix, so it's hard to recommend something that I know I wouldn't have been able to do. I almost think people in these relationships need to be sent to rehab like an actual addict.

[Jay1977]

It's a long story- which I've fully explained in my other posts.

She was always breaking up with me and I was always "bringing her back". On a couple of occasions I ended it with her and she brought me back.

She was feeling trapped and smothered in the relationship and she said she didn't love me anymore and she could only be intimate with a man she loves. The way I say it- she is very troubled with intimacy in general, and only when she is madly in love can she overcome those issues. Also, I may have come emotionally too close for comfort and she had to push me away.

We had a major crisis back in October/November when we had to renew the rental lease on the apartment. We decided to give the relationship another chance and renewed the lease for another 5 months.

Six weeks ago, after a series of ridiculous fights, she announced to me that she was not going to renew the contract again and that she was going to be dating other men.

I was shocked and in total anguish. Panic attacks at the mere thought of her dating another man.

I stayed around for a bit longer. I tried to convince her to stay. I practically begged. She was having her doubt and she was nostalgically looking at our pictures online. Then her mother told me she had said she was only 90% sure she didn't want to be with me, and that she wanted to move out and date some other men.

I became very angry- thinking this was all a ploy so she could openly date others for a while to see if she could find better. So I confronted her and I pressured her. After that she said she no longer had any doubts.

Since then i went into NC- only communicating for practical stuff.

She tells her mother every detail of every interaction with me. But it's hard to tell what her mindset is.  

So to answer your question directly: I desperately want to get back with her. She said she wants to be friends but she hasn't dated anyone else in the mean time.

And I am left wondering what would be my best "strategy" to patch things up: try now- before she moves? Try after she moves- so she can feel some real distance first? Wait until she dates some others first and has a few disappointments?

My main issue is that I'm trying to establish whether her mindset at this stage is different from that of a non-woman, and if that should effect how I approach renewed contact.  

[Jay1977]

Somethingtoloose:

I have realized she has emotional issues regarding intimacy and anger issues for a long time. Recognizing it as BPD (assumed), is very recent.

I very much hope that this is not the case. That maybe all she needs is for me to be more confident, not needy and for me to get my life in order financially and job wise. I should point out that a mere month before the breakup she was still discussing how we would name our future children. She went through a long period of doubt before she hesitantly did this.

My goals, if we were to be reunited, would be achieving harmony with her and establishing a stable physical relationship.

This last goal has me especially worried. It has been so long, and she has so consistently told me she isn't attracted o me anymore, that in my own mind I am having trouble fully imagining it might actually happen with her again.

I feel like wanting to be with her is not a choice for me. For me, the most traumatic thing was the constant threat of her breaking up with me, and now the actual reality of that having happened. This has to do with my own fear of abandonment as well.

The second main issue was the lack of intimacy. The drama I might be able to deal with- preferably not, but I could handle it.

[somethingtolose]

All I can really say is that you need to start reading and learning. You may also benefit from visiting (wouldn't recommend posting) a forum for people with BPD (www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/).

On the tactical matters, I can't really advise you because from the stories I've read it depends on the person and the random things that happen. If you wait it out and just be casual about things, she might come back to you. She also might find someone new (I would bet on that). If you press things by being nice to her when she's "painted you black" then you won't get anywhere. But either way, it won't really matter.

Even if you got lucky and she put you back into the idealization phase, when things began to get more serious she would attempt to break up with you again and begin the same abuse that you've already suffered. If you learn the strategies on here, you will be better equipped to understand and adapt to the abuse (setting boundaries, not taking it personally, etc.) but you won't have anything approximating a normal relationship. It's a horrendous roller-coaster because when things seem to be getting better and stable that's when the cycle begins again. The cycle only ends when the person with BPD starts to learn about themselves in great detail and incorporates various strategies to deal with the disorder, this can take many years (and you may lose your sanity before the process is completed).

The real horror stories are in the divorce forum.