Bizarre Behavior - Leave or Stay

[YlwBrkRd]

I'm writing about a brief relationship with a woman who might have BPD.  I'm in my mid 30's.  My (early 30's) girlfriend stayed over the other night, and something really strange happened.  We had some intense physical contact without intercourse (because she didn't want to go all the way that night), and she fell asleep half naked (topless) in my bed.  I could not fall asleep with all of the unreleased tension, so I went into the other room to relieve the tension in private.

When I came back to bed, she told me she had noticed that I was missing and asked what I was doing in the other room.  After telling her the truth, she got very upset and told me she had to break up with me.  She said that even if there wasn't a repeat incident, she would never be able to get over what happened.

I was up all night trying to get her to calm down, and she finally agreed to not walk out on the relationship.  She said she felt abandoned by me and that my behavior was selfish and rude and that it was a red flag.

In this relationship, this woman was very quick to become attached, she needed frequent [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] (she need me to tell her she was superior to other women I've dated), and wasn't able to meet me in the middle on disagreements.  Her behavior sometimes felt dismissive.  For example, when I was telling her more about what I did for a living, she ignored me, got up from the dinner table, and started playing with her dog.

After having a few conflicts, and not being able to get her to put herself in my shoes during any of them, I grew very frustrated.  I noticed she hadn't shaved her legs the last couple of times we were together, and when it was pretty long the last time, I felt really disrespected.  It felt as if she thought I didn't deserve smooth legs.

With all of this frustration, I sent her a very tactless text message asking her to keep her legs shaved.  It was an impulsive gesture, and she broke up with me over it.  She told me she needed to be friends with me and that I needed to show her I can be nice to her before she's willing to continue.

The relationship only lasted 3 weeks, but now after 1 1/2 weeks since breaking up, I still feel very, very attached to her.  I need to decide whether or not to attempt to rekindle this relationship.  The relationship was electric.  I've never known anyone like her.  We seemed to relate on so many levels, and even during the first date it felt like I was with my best friend.  We seemed so highly compatible, as if we were meant to find each other.  She got my sense of humor, and I got hers.  We just clicked in a marvelous way.

Now here's where it might get more interesting.  I have been diagnosed with BPD and work with a BPD specialist.  Not only am I totally aware of my BPD traits (and have made remarkable progress in the last year), I've been able to recognize BPD traits in others.  I was seeing some very BPD-like traits in this woman.

After she had downgraded the relationship status to "friends for now," I wrote her a 2 page email wrapping things up, because it seemed hopeless to try to get her back.  In the email I described my own traits and the success I've had in my treatment.  I wrote that I was seeing some of these traits in her and that she might benefit from seeing a specialist, because she deserved to be happier than she was.

I wrote that I had a great fantasy of running into her someday, and her having a big smile with news about the success she's had after following her dreams.  I got tearful as I wrote the email, and even wrote that at the end of it.  I have not heard back from this woman (it's been 9 days since the email), and I have a strong urge to contact her to try to rekindle the relationship.

It feels like I lost my soul mate, and I feel like I'm in love with her.  I've resisted the urge to contact her so far, because I think I could find a healthier relationship.  I felt a sense of relief when I sent her the last email, but I can't shake this urge to go back.  Does this sound like a lost cause?

[momtara]

Not completely lost, but try not to do anything weird like stalk her.  I think you had to send the email that you sent.  It at least tells her some things she might need to know.  It's up to her if she can deal with them.

The fact that she was kind of black and white over certain things (getting angry over you, um, relieving the tension in the other room isn't fair) sounds like BPD, or at least traits of it.

You may be putting too much fantasy into this short relationship.  Are your feelings based on geniune companionship and things in common with this person, or just sex/electricity? 

I don't think it's a lost cause but try not to get involved long-term if it turns out that you have to walk on eggshells to keep things running smoothly.  Lots of people on this board have been hurt by that.

[momtara]

Oh, and the shave your legs thing, as you know, wasn't very nice.  Everyone makes mistakes though.  So if you didn't apologize, you probably should if you are talking at some point.

[YlwBrkRd]

Yes, my comment was wrong, and it wasn't justified.  I've apologized for it.

[YlwBrkRd]

You may be putting too much fantasy into this short relationship.  Are your feelings based on geniune companionship and things in common with this person, or just sex/electricity? 

I'm so glad you asked that question.  I met this woman through an online dating site, and before we even met for the first time in person, she was steering our conversation toward discussions of our sexual history (including all of the details).

I think the anticipation/arousal that those conversations caused fueled an artificial/premature attraction that only intensified when we met in person.  We weren't soul mates, and we don't really have that much in common.  I was just overwhelmed by her sexuality and mistook it for genuine compatibility.

I believe this woman needed to have power and exert control over me through sex.  Look at the incident that I described in my first post, when she flipped out and threatened to leave me.  This woman must have felt her sense of control was breached in that incident, because her reaction was nuclear.

This is typical in someone with BPD, who does not have an inner sense of control, and must use others to establish a (false) sense of control.  I know what it's like, because I have BPD.  It's frightening to have such an unstable sense of control, and you do tend to act pretty crazy when your sense of control is threatened.

[sad but wiser]

I think you just described the mechanics of this relationship in beautiful detail.  The therapy you have been doing has clarified a lot for you, that much is clear.  Are you still feeling that attachment?  You have been able to look at the situation logically, but how about that emotional pull?

[YlwBrkRd]

Yes, I'm still feeling the attachment, but I also feel like my own sense of control has been (partially) restored since the relationship ended, and I feel relieved.  I felt like this woman had hijacked my sense of control in dictating the level of intimacy, the status of our relationship, and how we went about communicating with each other.

I still swing back and forth between thinking I love this person and thinking I hate this person in an exaggerated, BPD way.  I'm certainly wrestling with the ambivalence and containing the difficult emotions that go along with it.

I'm starting to see that this relationship shouldn't be started up again, because it was so unhealthy.  I know that if I avoid contacting this woman, the emotional burden of this breakup will lessen with time, and I'll be glad I didn't give into the temptation to initiate new contact with her.

I just don't know if I will be able to withstand the gravity that's pulling me towards her.  I also don't know if I could keep her at a polite arm's length distance away if she ever contacted me.

[momtara]

You've already admitted that it is largely based on sexual attraction and such, not things deep down.  So that's something to consider.

[hithere]

Does this sound like a lost cause?

Probably.

It is interesting you see her as potentially have BPD.  I know from my past relationship with a BPD and from reading the boards here that most BPD partners blame the non for having BPD and other mental illness at some point in the relationship, so there is that to consider.

[YlwBrkRd]

It is interesting you see her as potentially have BPD.

This woman has had a rough life.  She was kidnapped by her mother during a custody dispute when she was a child.  She had a schizophrenic father and abusive stepmother who destroyed all of her belongings after she was kicked out of the house at the age of 17.  She has a lengthy history of mental health treatment, currently taking medication for anxiety.  She has a history of starving herself when distressed over a loss.

She was quick in disclosing her sexual history in great detail, before our first date.  She told me she had enjoyed anal intercourse without lubricant with one of her past partners, and kept telling me she couldn't wait for me to be her boyfriend (before meeting me in person).  This woman also had revenge fantasies against panhandlers, in which she hands them a bag full of pennies and melted gummy bears.

She would inappropriately start conversations with people sitting at the next table during a meal at a restaurant, even when it clearly made the other people around her uncomfortable.  She was irritable, with frequent mood swings, unstable sense of self, and needed frequent and inappropriate validation.

Can you see that there's something out of the ordinary going on with this person?

[YlwBrkRd]

I do not have a history of blaming my partners for having BPD, though I have gotten involved with people who already had a recognized mental illness.  That is the case with this person.  I forgot to mention her past suicide threat, followed by hospitalization in my last post.

After getting all of this off my chest, I can see that having a relationship with this person has caused me a great deal of anxiety and an overall loss of dignity, and it was terribly destabilizing.  I'm now just doing my best to move on.

[momtara]

It doesn't seem to me that you have any reason to stay with her, except for sexual attraction... .   but it doesn't sound like a soulmate relationship.  If you feel sorry for her and want to help her, you can always send helpful emails.  It's really up to you what you want to do.  You contacted her even after she told you all sorts of weird stuff, so maybe you like 'em strange.  Who knows?  In the end, it's up to you whether you think it'll feel healthier for you to stay or walk away.

[YlwBrkRd]

It doesn't seem to me that you have any reason to stay with her, except for sexual attraction... .   but it doesn't sound like a soulmate relationship.

You're right.  She was not my soulmate.  She was my lustmate, and it was difficult to see that in the heat of the relationship.  Since breaking up with this person, I've met someone else who has some of the same positive qualities, but with a whole lot more emotional maturity and stability.  Now it's just a matter of putting what I've learned (and continue to learn) in my BPD therapy to good use, so I can maintain my adult presence in this adult relationship.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my original post.  Your thoughtful responses were very helpful as I sorted this out.  I have learned from this experience, and I'd say that life is looking really good right now.