Setting boundaries with MIL when H is not 100% on board

[judebug]

How do I set boundaries for myself between my MIL and I, when my H is not willing to set and stick to the boundaries we discuss? He gets sucked back into her manipulative ways and I always end up being the bad guy. I feel like one moment a light bulb will go on in his head and he sees the severity of the situation. But then she wiggles her way back in, tells him I am horrible for making him, "not want a relationship with his mother (she's his step-mother mind you) and I am trying to destroy the family". He knows that what she says is off base and nonsense, but he forgives her anyway. I feel this repetitive cycle is only enabling her bad behavior and she gets gratification in being able to control him, and our relationship. I love him, and it hurts me to see the intentional emotional pain she causes him. ANY suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Kwamina]

How do I set boundaries for myself between my MIL and I, when my H is not willing to set and stick to the boundaries we discuss?

Hi judebug  

My advice would be to not only set boundaries between you and your MIL, but also between you and your husband. You can't control your husband, can't control your MIL but you can control yourself and that's why I believe it's best to focus on you. If he doesn't wanna stick to the boundaries for dealing with your MIL, that's his decision. But by also setting boundaries between you and him, he'll come to realize that there will be consequences if he keeps giving in to his mother. Your personal boundaries for dealing with your MIL shouldn't depend on your husband sticking to them or not because then he's in control and you're basically powerless.

[Beachbumforlife]

Judebug, that sounds like a very tough situation.  Is your husband willing to go to a therapist with you?  It sounds like he needs to understand what boundaries are more than you.

[judebug]

I have set boundaries between he and I, and I uphold my end. But sticking to MY boundaries during the "up" times causes friction between us. He feels like I am being to harsh and that's when I become the bad guy. I don't want to control him, that's the last thing I want. I want him to control himself! As well as hold her to the same standard he holds everyone else to! My brother is a recovering alcoholic, we would NEVER allow him to walk into our home and drink beer from our fridge, get drunk, and reek havoc in our home. I feel like it is the same as the MIL... .  just because she has a mental illness doesn't mean she gets to do or say things we would allow of others.

He works in Human Services field, he works DAILY with the disabled population. Most of which, have a range of personality disorders. I think part of him feels like he should be able to deal with this on his own because of schooling and his job. He says he would be willing to go to therapy, but we cannot afford it right now :'(. We have two children as well. I don't think he understands how much this effects our entire family. That his reactions to her actions can unbalance our entire household.

One other thought on having my own boundaries... .  it doesn't unite us a family or as a whole. It's hard to have a strong foundation built of only your OWN boundaries. It starts arguments like, do the kids get to see Grandma, do we go to certain holidays, etc. I eventually just give up fighting him, he goes alone or with the kids, and I stay home. I don't want him to feel like he has to choose me or her. That's not unconditional love. But I also refuse to put myself in a situation where I become a target and the words I say are eventually used against me. It's too much, it's not healthy, and ADULTS do not behave the way she does. On the other hand, it's sad when I spend holidays alone and that isn't the "norm" when you're married with kids either.

[judebug]

***I feel like it is the same as the MIL... .  just because she has a mental illness doesn't mean she gets to do or say things we WOULDN'T allow of others.

[Up In the Air]

I so COMPLETELY understand what you're going through and it's exhausting. Things have changed a bit for our family but I will never forget that phase of our lives! Here's my advice/suggestions:

When I was told that I was being unreasonable or ridiculous and being portrayed as the bad guy, I personally found that instead of repeating myself over and over about what my boundaries were, I'd turn it around into a question that my husband would have to think through when answering. For example: “Sweetie, can I ask you a question? Do you believe that I have the right to be respected (in general, in public, in my own home, etc.)? Do I have a right to have feelings? Do I have a right to my own opinions?” Then I'd ask those same questions about himself, if he had the right to those things.

After he'd answer them all, I'd respond by saying something like this: “Good, I'm glad you feel that way because I believe that too and that's why I've created those specific boundaries, to protect my basic human rights. I want to protect your rights too (you could even say that you wanted to protect your children's rights too). I am not wanting to create drama, anger, or hard feelings. However, I feel that unless your mother is willing to abide by these boundaries, then she should understand how that makes us feel. I think she should understand that there are consequences for the boundaries that she doesn't respect.

I know when I told my husband, not out of disrespect, but out of honestly, that I felt like he was losing his integrity and I was having a hard time respecting him for that, that moment was when it started to become more clear to him. I think he realized at that point that I was noticing a change in him that wasn't positive or something that he wanted other people to recognize in him and he desired to change that.

I also think, if you haven't brought it up with your hubby yet and I don't know how old your children are, that I'd talk to him about his example as a parent. That you not only want to come across to your children and the ENTIRE family (not just the MIL) that you are united, and that daddy will stand up for them and his wife if Grandma crosses the line. What does it tell his kids when he allows Grandma to treat mama that way?

There's something to be said for the role of a man as protector and it's frustrating when the one you love and chose is allowing someone in his close family unit to be hurt, although he's doing it unconsciously. Letting him know that he may have unintentionally hurt you is a good way to make him aware of the situation. Then further reminding him that once he's aware of how it makes you feel and then allowing the hurt to cross the boundary, shows that he's not taking your feelings and your rights seriously and it makes you feel vulnerable as a wife, as a mother. Making (intentional or not) his mother's feelings more important that yours, runs over your rights as a wife.

It's his place (and right) to love both of the women in his life and he should be respecting both, without losing his footing in between. He doesn't have to choose and he needs to tell his mother that. This can be the most difficult thing for them to grasp and to hold fast to and I found with my hubby that I had to have more patience that I ever thought was possible.

I started going to therapy by myself. At first I was VERY resentful because it was HIS mom, afterall. But I don't regret it at all. My therapist let me know that often times it just takes one person in the relationship to take the first step and when the other partner sees the progress, they want to change. That's what happened with my husband.

You mentioned that you can't afford therapy. I don't know if you've looked into churches or therapists that might do pro bono work, but I'd suggest that whoever you find specializes in personality disorders. My husband and I made the mistake of going to our church's marital counsellors that did couples counselling and I was told the entire time that it was all my fault. They had no clue what we were going through and were NOT equipped with the education or information to properly counsel us. My husband walked out of that session thinking I was the one in the wrong. It was awful and it was VERY hard to turn his thinking around.

My last suggestion: Do you have access to a library? Perhaps you could check one book out at a time and he'd be willing to sit down with you one hour a night and you both as a couple could read through Stop Walking on Eggshells, or the dozens of other books helpful to the family members of a person with BPD. I think it would bring you two closer. Maybe discussing the aspects of the material you were reading and how it related to your specific situation would help him to find the courage and strength to tow the line with this mom. It might also help you to find your footing in setting boundaries both with your MIL and your hubby.

It's hard, but remember one thing: it doesn't end here. It CAN get better!

[Up In the Air]

And one more thing... .  If you have the opportunity to read the books "Toxic In-laws" and "Emotional Blackmail", both by Susan Forward, please do. They don't specifically address BPD, but they helped me immensely when drawing boundaries.

 

[Clearmind]

judebug, can you provide an example of an issue you had where a boundary needed to be set?