what should be in our parenting agreement?

[momtara]

We worked out some things today with a mediator.  We have 2 small kids.  The main thing we worked out was, he only has them 1 night every 2 weeks.  Since I'm getting pretty lucky with that, I didn't complain much about other stuff.  But now I am tiptoeing around like I did when I was married.

For instance, he only wants 1 day advance notice to tell me if he's not taking the kids.  I forsee him frequently ruining any plans I have made, by telling me last minute that he can't take them.  Then again, maybe it's a small price to pay. 

During our marriage he would frequently cancel our plans last minute just to get back at me if we were fighting.

We put in some stuff about notifying each other in advance about vacations, babysitters, etc... .

Just wondering if there's stuff you wish you had thought of, or that should go into such an agreement that many people might forget.

I want to put in that he has to keep up with his counseling.  I doubt that they'll accept it, but I want to try.

I saw on here a BPD woman refusing to let the daughter go to her recital, because it fell on the mom's night and not dad's.  I brought this up as a scenario. The mediator said, "Well, you can't plan for everything.  That's an issue of communication.  You decide on that in advance."  Annoying because my husband cancels things like that when he's in a bad mood.  But I had to let that one alone.

Any other advice or ideas?

[marbleloser]

You need consequences in your agreement as well.An "if such and such happens,then this automatically takes place".That way,there's no arguing about it.It's covered.

[momtara]

Any examples?

[ForeverDad]

Frankly, don't worry about him cancelling, it is his loss.  Just accept that you'll have to be the parent who is your children's safety net.  I would be more concerned about how to handle if, with short notice he wants to "trade" for another day.  Even if he's not doing it to purposely mess up your schedule, it can still make things hard for you so don't let anything in the order indicate he can 'force' a trade.

I learned quickly to beware of trades.

• First, since they're not in the order, it's hard to give consequences if the ex abuses some part of the trade.



• Second, get your end of the trade first.  I've been burned more than once when ex wanted a trade, got her time first and then reneged on my end of the trade.  Remember, generally ex cares only for self, once ex gets what ex wants, the rest doesn't matter to ex.



• Third, beware of ex morphing a trade and milking it for a long time.  I've been burned more than once when ex changed the terms of the trades or demanded more time because of some claim ex was shorted somehow.

Beware of vague phrases in court orders... . 'reasonable' telephone contact... . 'mutually agreed' exchange location... . 'share' whatever... .   They're written that way for a reason, to allow the parents flexibility since life happens to even the best intentions and plans.  The problem is that the disordered parent will use/misuse/abuse that flexibility.

The above is a small sample of my experiences, my ex is very possessive of our child.  However, yours may not be, so these issues may or may not be at the top of your trouble list.

[marbleloser]

Remedies will need to be written depending on what's in your decree.Using the example of him only wanting to give 1 day notice if he doesn't take kiddos,you could write it like this.

"In the event H declines his parenting time,H shall provide a 48 hour notice to momtara in writing.If a 48 hour notice is not given by H,he forfeits his next appointed parenting time".

For more drastic measures.

"In the event H does not have the children returned to momtara at the appointed time,stated in this decree,law inforcement shall use any means necessary to enter any structure where the kiddos shall be found.Law enforcement shall then assume custody of the children and return them to momtara."

This way,the police have specific court orders as to what to do in the event H refuses to hand over the kiddos.

[momtara]

Good point.

In this case, he rarely takes them and has trouble taking care of them both because they are young.  So he cancels last-minute a lot.  You're right, Dad; I'm lucky that I'm going to be the safety net.  If he cancels, that just means that's less time he gets with them to potentially mess with their heads.

Unfortunately, this may all change when they get older anyway.

Thanks for the ideas, marble loser.  The more ideas I get, the better.