Daughter wants to meet father's gf

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't really posted here (been on the detaching board) but this issue I am at a loss on how to approach it, handle it and for myself deal with it.

My ex's gf is the one he was recycling me with for years and all along our daughter did not know about the other girl in the picture.  Now she recently learned about the gf and since then it gave him the green light always talk about her in front our daughter. I understand he is trying to be open and not hide it anymore but he forgets that our daughter is also learning the role this other female had in the dysfunction of everything.

Even though now he is with this gf I still see him "recycling" with his emotions with me and with her even when I am not in the picture.  There are times he is just more missing me and friendly with me and then other times no.  Point is, there has been a big push for our daughter to meet his gf recently. I believe this is BPD in full effect here, that in a way he is trying to do so in a way to "get over me" "move on with his life" even though he doesn't see it that way.

He thinks our daughter (who is 13) is so strong & I think she is made out of glass with specific things (she is in therapy). I can't tell if she is following his lead about them meeting or is this something she truly wants to do on her own.  I sometimes don't think she knows what she wants because she too changes her mind about the gf.  

I am unsure the harm I can do by either trying to protect her until I believe she is stronger and I see that this choice is a healthy one on his part or the harm I can do by just letting it go.  

Help!

[changingme]

I haven't really posted here (been on the detaching board) but this issue I am at a loss on how to approach it, handle it and for myself deal with it.

My ex's gf is the one he was recycling me with for years and all along our daughter did not know about the other girl in the picture.  Now she recently learned about the gf and since then it gave him the green light always talk about her in front our daughter. I understand he is trying to be open and not hide it anymore but he forgets that our daughter is also learning the role this other female had in the dysfunction of everything.

Even though now he is with this gf I still see him "recycling" with his emotions with me and with her even when I am not in the picture.  There are times he is just more missing me and friendly with me and then other times no.  Point is, there has been a big push for our daughter to meet his gf recently. I believe this is BPD in full effect here, that in a way he is trying to do so in a way to "get over me" "move on with his life" even though he doesn't see it that way.

He thinks our daughter (who is 13) is so strong & I think she is made out of glass with specific things (she is in therapy). I can't tell if she is following his lead about them meeting or is this something she truly wants to do on her own.  I sometimes don't think she knows what she wants because she too changes her mind about the gf.  

I am unsure the harm I can do by either trying to protect her until I believe she is stronger and I see that this choice is a healthy one on his part or the harm I can do by just letting it go.  

Help!

[marbleloser]

It has to be hard on you and your daughter.I've gone through the same as my X introduced the kids to multiple men she was seeing.Some at the same times.

The difficult thing is reality.People are going to come in and out of your daughters life.Some are going to be his gf,some may be your bf's.It hurts to see that,there's no doubt,but in reality,it's going to happen.We can't keep the kids in a glass container,safe from everything and everyone.

My opinion is to let her meet her.As heartbreaking as it is to you,she's probably going to do it anyway.The more you push for her "not" to see her,the more she's going to want to.After the meeting,let her tell you about her in her own time.Let her give her own opinion and validate her feelings.It might help you in some ways as well.You might find that she's not a threat to you and your daughter and that she's just a person,who'll be in your daughters life.

Divorce and seperation are part of life these days.These kinds of things are what our children have to deal with.Make it as peaceful and easy for her as possible.

[Matt]

How do you know what's going on with this - all from your daughter?

How does she bring information to you - casual chats, or upset, or with questions?

[changingme]

Thank you marbleloser, I can agree, like anything with kids/teens the more you say "no" the more they are curious.

Matt - Not sure what you mean, but I  have spoken to both of them about it. 

[Matt]

The reason I ask is that you can view this as an issue between you and your ex, or you can view it as an opportunity to help your daughter.

If you can step away from the communication with your ex about this issue, and talk with your daughter about it - in the way that she is most comfortable with, giving all your attention to her and her needs - maybe you can figure out how to best help her.  She may give you signals, like asking you questions, or opening up the subject.  Or she might say nothing about it, and you can ask a little, but let her mostly guide the conversation.

My kids are a little older - now S14 and D16 - and for the last few years, they have been shifting from "little kids who need to be told what to do" to "young adults who can mostly figure things out for themselves".  More and more, my job is to support them, not to be the main player in each drama.

[changingme]

More and more, my job is to support them, not to be the main player in each drama.

@Matt - This is true.  We are obviously at a transition in her age and a transition with stuff around us.  She did come to me about it first.  I just can't determine if she is trying to please her father, or truly this is what she wants.  I will have to dig deeper and have more discussion with her about it. 

[Matt]

If you can do the "reflective listening" thing - where she mostly leads the conversation, and talks about what's on her mind, and you make sure she knows you're listening and you hear her, but you don't impose your own thoughts too much - "So it sounds like things went OK but you were kind of uncomfortable - is that right?" and stuff like that - that will let her develop her own thoughts and recognize her own feelings, not as a reflection of either of her parents but as her own person... .  

[changingme]

Thank you will try to do so