Its me vs his Daughter

[MockingbirdHL]

What do you do when suddenly your dBPDH makes it about you versus his child?  That's where I am now (among other places).

My H and his ex-wife divorced when their daughter was only weeks old.  She cheated.  Therefore he now assumes EVERYONE is going to cheat.  Currently he's obsessed with the thought that I am, or did or will.  I'm not, and haven't and won't, but we know the FACTS hardly matter to them, right?

Anyway, he has been single her whole life - she is now 13 - and has basically raised her how he wanted; even though she lives with her mother, she spent a good amount of time with him too.  Especially when she was younger.

When we met, she was just turned 10.  My daughter from a previous marriage was 7.  I had been divorced from her father since she was 2, so again, it was just me and her most of her life.  The two girls have VERY different personalities.  Mine is an extrovert, opinionated, creative, sometimes argumentative, but sweet and helpful.  His is an introvert, socially less confident, submissive, but a good girl. 

When they were 7 and 10 it was much less of an age gap.  Now they are 10 and 13 and mine is moving into pre-teen angst (where his was when we met but he has conveniently forgotten those times) and his is a teenager who wants to spend more time with her friends etc.   She is also less interested in playing with my daughter because she feels a LOT older now.

So ... .  the fact that we parent differently has always been an issue with him.  In reality, I do not think we parent that differently AT ALL.  In fact I think its just that our children have different personalities and they react differently to the same parenting methods.  Mine argues and tries to debate everything around to her way.  His whines until someone gives in - at least she used to, now she just resigns herself with teenage attitude.

Two weeks ago, his decided she did not want to come to the house for the weekend.  He FREAKED out.  I had warned him that this is normal for teenage girls, to perhaps not spend all their time with their father.  He rushed out there to talk to her and came back saying she said that she doesn't like that mine gets to behave a way that she did not.  When they're together we are very careful to be fair, but I told him she cannot compare how he treated her as a ten year to how I trest mine as a ten year old.  Nor can she compare how I am with mine to how she is with her mother ... .  they live in different houses.

However, she told him that she feels that he chose me and mine over her ... .  she is beginning to show traits of BPD herself ... .  there is a LONG history of mood disorders in his family.  So now he's thinking that he must chose her over us.  I can't seem to explain to him that we all chose each other, ALL OF US.  I get yelled at for not including her (even when she is not with us) yet he is OK with her deciding NOT to be part of the family dynamic thus ensuring he goes to her rescue alone with no regard for our feelings.

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I've told him we need to sit down as a family and hear everyoe's concerns and address them.  He doesn't seem to want to make that happen.  I even offered to call his D and talk to her myself, but he says she won;t do that, she won;t talk to me. 

How on earth do I resolve this if he returns from his silent treatment?  He's not even at home, he left?