First Time Poster

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I am the eldest of three sisters, aged 54 years. I have known (along with my middle sister) since I was a young child, that there was something not right about our youngest sister. As young as three and four years old she would switch back and forth in moods from extreme charm to furious violent rages. She is now 51 years old and this behavior has continued in one way or another all these years.

It has been only the past, maybe six or seven years, that my middle sister and I have been able to put a name to what may be going on with our youngest sister. We have come to believe that she suffers from undiagnosed BPD (though we've recently learned that her therapist feels she has BPD but is afraid to confront her with the information; that she would leave therapy altogether.).

I can barely sit here and begin to describe the profound sadness I feel about my life with my sister. Her amazing positive qualities, which I have tried to keep in the forefront of my mind and heart all my life. . .cannot make up anymore for the horrible behaviors she has directed at me and those I love over the years. It is difficult to explain to people because she isn't obviously crazy. She doesn't seem to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol; she is busy volunteering in her community; she put herself through college; raised a family and talks a good game of being a "Christian."

But I look back and my memories of my youngest sister revolve around being humiliated by her in front of friends and boyfriends from childhood through high school and beyond. Being screamed at in public when she perceived that I wasn't giving her what she wanted. Physical and emotional assaults. Long rambling phone calls at all hours of the day and night when she feels alone, in which she regurgitates every real or imagined slight of her entire life. being blamed by her for everything wrong in her life. I recall that almost every special day for me, up to and including my wedding a few weeks ago, has been marred by or had the threat hanging over the event that she would do something or say something cruel to ruin it.

Over the past few years I've been slowly learning strategies to stand up and protect myself, because I'm aware that a lifetime of being bullied and intimidated by her has made me partly responsible for enabling her behaviors. It dawned on me finally a couple years ago that there was absolutely nothing I could ever do to please her or make her happy. . .because I, and everyone around her, have sure as hell tried.

It also dawned on me that it doesn't help her to grow or look for happiness within herself to feed the fantasy that I can make her happy. And, frankly, I just don't have the energy or desire anymore. I am a very happy person in my own life. I have wonderful friends, great relationships with my family members, a wonderful and adoring husband that I adore. I'm active, busy, healthy and love life.

I have joined this message board to discover ways to take care of and protect myself, be loving and supportive of my sister without enabling destructive behaviors. I desire some sort of peace in this one issue of my life, that has taken up so much real estate in my head and heart for so long.

I offer my deepest appreciation to anyone who reads this and any thoughts and guidance you may have to share.

Sincerely

BuddhaSister

[BuddhaSister]

Hi,

I am the eldest of three sisters, aged 54 years. I have known (along with my middle sister) since I was a young child, that there was something not right about our youngest sister. As young as three and four years old she would switch back and forth in moods from extreme charm to furious violent rages. She is now 51 years old and this behavior has continued in one way or another all these years.

It has been only the past, maybe six or seven years, that my middle sister and I have been able to put a name to what may be going on with our youngest sister. We have come to believe that she suffers from undiagnosed BPD (though we've recently learned that her therapist feels she has BPD but is afraid to confront her with the information; that she would leave therapy altogether.).

I can barely sit here and begin to describe the profound sadness I feel about my life with my sister. Her amazing positive qualities, which I have tried to keep in the forefront of my mind and heart all my life. . .cannot make up anymore for the horrible behaviors she has directed at me and those I love over the years. It is difficult to explain to people because she isn't obviously crazy. She doesn't seem to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol; she is busy volunteering in her community; she put herself through college; raised a family and talks a good game of being a "Christian."

But I look back and my memories of my youngest sister revolve around being humiliated by her in front of friends and boyfriends from childhood through high school and beyond. Being screamed at in public when she perceived that I wasn't giving her what she wanted. Physical and emotional assaults. Long rambling phone calls at all hours of the day and night when she feels alone, in which she regurgitates every real or imagined slight of her entire life. being blamed by her for everything wrong in her life. I recall that almost every special day for me, up to and including my wedding a few weeks ago, has been marred by or had the threat hanging over the event that she would do something or say something cruel to ruin it.

Over the past few years I've been slowly learning strategies to stand up and protect myself, because I'm aware that a lifetime of being bullied and intimidated by her has made me partly responsible for enabling her behaviors. It dawned on me finally a couple years ago that there was absolutely nothing I could ever do to please her or make her happy. . .because I, and everyone around her, have sure as hell tried.

It also dawned on me that it doesn't help her to grow or look for happiness within herself to feed the fantasy that I can make her happy. And, frankly, I just don't have the energy or desire anymore. I am a very happy person in my own life. I have wonderful friends, great relationships with my family members, a wonderful and adoring husband that I adore. I'm active, busy, healthy and love life.

I have joined this message board to discover ways to take care of and protect myself, be loving and supportive of my sister without enabling destructive behaviors. I desire some sort of peace in this one issue of my life, that has taken up so much real estate in my head and heart for so long.

I offer my deepest appreciation to anyone who reads this and any thoughts and guidance you may have to share.

Sincerely

BuddhaSister

[Beachbumforlife]

Hi Buddhasister, I'm new here too, but your post resonated with me.  I have a sister with BPD also and can relate to many things you said.  It is frustrating when you want so badly to help someone and don't know how.  Then when you realize the cause of the problem and realize they are the only one that can help themselves no matter how much someone else may love them or may want to offer help.

Sorry for your situation.  Please know you are not alone.   

[Grey Kitty]

BuddhaSister.

What a wonderful choice of a handle--I've found that my Buddhist practice complements dealing with issues like this very well for myself. Mindfulness is one of the important tools that we recommend here.

You will find many others here with similar relationships. Just knowing that others have gone through the same things you have, is a huge relief.

It sounds like you are starting to detach from your sister some. That is one thing which can help.

Are there specific things your sister is currently doing that are bothering you?

[BuddhaSister]

Hi to those who have replied since I last posted,

I appreciate your kind words. Our elderly parent was visiting for several days and just left. I've not had a chance to come back to these boards until today.

Between our father's visit and the fact that my udBPD sister has just gone through a divorce (which she instigated and now it's sinking in that she's on her own) after almost 30 years of marriage, my sister has begun to spiral out of control. Knowing that myself and my other sibling (Sister 2) are not the only ones dealing with these situations helps more than anyone can know.

Yesterday Sister 2 and I were out for a day of fun together, the first in a long time and a much needed break. She answered her cell phone in her car and we were then ranted and raged at for 45 minutes my our sister with BPD. When the call was over, Sister 2 turned to me and said, "Guess I need to work a little harder on setting boundaries, huh?" and we both cracked up.

That is how it is sometimes, we are in turn horrified, deeply disturbed and sad about our BPD sister's behavior (not to mention feeling beaten up and exhausted), but her rages and bizarre rants become so absurd that you have to laugh. . .even while you might be about to cry.

We are in the toddler stage of learning to take care of ourselves and setting boundaries. At this point we have no illusions that our sister will even listen to us as far as getting help. Without her very loving ex-husband to look out for her we're afraid she's going into high panic mode. We're seeking strategies to cope with our emotions and to find out what you do to help someone so far out they can't see anything but their own rage. . .or can you?

I've been practicing Buddhism since 1994. I believe very much that thoughts create the world and your experiences in it. I've transformed my life over the years and I am a joyous and happy person with so many blessings. But this one issue, my BPD sister, is one that I have a hard time getting a grip on. I do realize that I can only control and make choices about my own thoughts and behaviors, my responses and reactions.

But to be brutally honest. . .I'm sick to death of what can only be described as the behavior of a spoiled three-year-old throwing raging tantrums in the body of a 52 year old woman. Though I know she has a serious mental illness and probably lives much of her life in a world of pain, I'm beginning to not care any more. Perhaps that, more than anything, is why I am posting here. It's sad when the only thing you can think about someone you love very much, and you can see the good in under the surface crap is: "If only she would get happy, or find someone else to latch on to. . .at least then she'd leave us all alone."

Today I'm obviously tired and used up. But that is how I feel.

Thank you again for your kindness.

BuddhaSister

[Grey Kitty]

Yesterday Sister 2 and I were out for a day of fun together, the first in a long time and a much needed break. She answered her cell phone in her car and we were then ranted and raged at for 45 minutes my our sister with BPD. When the call was over, Sister 2 turned to me and said, "Guess I need to work a little harder on setting boundaries, huh?" and we both cracked up.

Laughing about it with some self-knowledge is a great start!

I know you hope your sister will get help, and I hope so for everybody's sake (hers especially). If you bring the topic up, it will probably be invalidating and set her off. We have whole topics on how to get somebody with BPD to get help here... .  but for now I'd recommend you work on more basic things first:

Boundaries Tools of Respect

How to take a time out

Hang in there!

GK