How documentation helps

[marbleloser]

 During deposition,the stbx accused me of taking the kiddos to a party with LOTS of alcohol.My gf,who I picked up at Wal Mart was there,she said.It was her house and I took the kids there! Gasp!

Yes,I took the kiddos to a party.It wasn't with a gf and I didn't meet her at Wal Mart!lol

It was a one year olds birthday party.Two friends of mine kid,who are married,btw.I wrote this down in my journal.Date,time leaving for there,time coming home,receipt for bday present me and kiddos bought at Wal Mart.

I also took LOTS of photos.NO ALCOHOL as all of these people are pretty devout church goers and leaders.And,it wasn't at the friends home.It was the kids grandparents home.

Anyway,I'm covered in every way and form,with about 20 witnesses to back me up.

That's the value of documentation during divorce.

[momtara]

That's terrific... .  but exhausting.  It's like you have to constantly film a reality show about yourself.

Did you pick up a girl at walmart?  Bet she was cheap!

[marbleloser]

Lol! No,didn't pick up a girl.Just a toy for the 1 year old.The stbx interrogated the kids when they got home and came up with her own conclusions. "Feelings equal facts" 

[marbleloser]

"It's like you have to constantly film a reality show about yourself"

It's alot like that.You get used to it.In court(and CE's GALs) no one knows you or your life.Documentation creates a picture of what your life is like.What you do with the kids,what you do in your spare time,work,etc.,,

[scraps66]

The one issue, if you can recognize it, with documentation, some attorneys won't use it, and some judges/masters won't accept it in court.  Because, "you two are both being bad and immature adults."  It's always two to tango, right?  Of course it's much deeper than this an your L has to be skilled to decipher and present it properly.  Your attorney has to be agreeable and know what to do with your documentation.  I have a journal, my L turned up her nose to using it saying, "you're being just as bad as her" after reviewing a couple e-mails.   

[marbleloser]

Wow! My attorney is thrilled I have a journal and keep texts and emails.I don't understand why an atty would turn their nose up at evidence. When I asked my atty how detailed my journal should be,she said,"The more detailed,the better."

In fact,I just sent my atty an email from stbx last October that claims one thing,while I've been told the opposite by a third party.She emailed "That email will be useful in court."

She even likes that I keep a spreadsheet of overnights with the kids,and asked stbx that if I was doing that,would she think I was lying about it.STBX said,"No.He doesn't lie"

[scraps66]

it's easy - litigating with an uNPD/BPDex is profitable to an unprofessional attorney.   

[egribkb]

Journaling is the only reason I have custody of my child. Do it. It is absolutely exhausting but do it anyway.

No one will ever believe you if it's not documented because the crazy stuff BPD's do is so out of the norm for most people that they can't comprehend it unless they are smacked over the head with evidence.

Journal the good as well as the bad. Take pictures, label them with dates and what they represent. Keep it well organized. Your atty won't use it all but you (and your therapist) will benefit greatly from the process. When you get on the stand to testify you will have a buffer against the gaslighting as you will know exactly what happened without second guessing yourself, this becomes important as time goes by and memories dull.

Not to mention, journaling helps YOU see your part in all this mess. None of us want to repeat the nightmare right? Arm yourself with knowledge of your own actions, reflect, and if needed address needed areas.

BPD's are great at warping reality, so sometime down the road even you may start to think "hey it wasn't that bad, maybe if I'd just done XYZ or been better at 123". When that happens, pull out your journal and read the history as you were going through it. Stay strong. Document document document!

[marbleloser]

egribkb, I've caught myself second guessing as well.It IS a good tool against the gaslighting like you say.I get told one thing,then another,by stbx.I can go back through the journal,texts,and emails and then BINGO! She's gaslighting!

Just had another school meeting.Recorder on! What I'm finding out is totally opposite to what stbx claims.

[ForeverDad]

My ex never puts anything into writing, all she wants is verbal.  Though she has a smart phone, has had MySpace and Facebook accounts, she insists she doesn't have a computer and so can't do emails.  (She's used email since long before we separated, I'm fairly certain she's blocked my email address since we separated over 7 years ago.)  So she wanted some time from me for some perceived shorts on prior weekends.  So two weeks ago I got her to agree on pickup time and return time, same day.

This this past weekend she called up 3 times delaying her pickup since she was working.  Then when I was traveling to pick him up she called and said she was not going to return him.

Hmm.  I not only logged it, I recorded it, both calls about the exchanges, first two weeks ago with ex actually repeating the terms to me, second at return time with her literally raging it was her time and she was going to keep him overnight.

I listed the details in an email, attached the recordings and sent it to my lawyer.  Whether the court wants to listen to the phones calls, I don't know, but at least my lawyer knows the real story.  Sounds like contempt of court but we already have a case pending where I the custodial parent am seeking majority time.

[egribkb]

I listed the details in an email, attached the recordings and sent it to my lawyer.  Whether the court wants to listen to the phones calls, I don't know, but at least my lawyer knows the real story.  Sounds like contempt of court but we already have a case pending where I the custodial parent am seeking majority time.

Ask your lawyer about attaching in the next motion a specification that you and your ex use *only* Family Wizard to communicate back and forth. It looks like you have some real justification to do so.

[slimmiller]

I record/journal everything. Times, events, the crazy lies and plans etc. I dont intend on using it unless I need to to let others know i am not crazy.

Plus another peace of mind is should something ever happen to me, my kids will see the truth even better when they are adults.

Plus it helps seeing the craziness in print as it tends to kinda lessen some aspects of it. Maybe kinda allows it to turn into fiction... .  

[VeryFree]

How a journal can help yourself to remember things, I understand.

How a journal can help in a case I don't. How can something be evidence that you made yourself. You could have written it an hour before trial, or not?

[hurry.up.and.wait]

The various sorts of documentation I was able to collect was useful, perhaps. I had some stuff that I thought was especially damning, but the lawyers and judge really hung on to the first few shocking pieces, and in the end I think it was just the fact that I was open during the forensic evaluation that solidified my case, and my ex was clearly nuts. Much of my evidence was audio recordings, and I am talking about hours and hours of mundane audio, silence, sleeping, the sound of people not doing anything, it brought me great comfort to know that if I was accused of something I could refer back to my time stamped audio and say "nothing but the tv on and the microwave going ding". I am already exhausted, and D's mom presents herself poorly, so I think for me a moderate approach for documentation is right at this time.

I think we need to judge for ourselves how much documentation to keep according to our unique circumstances, and then perhaps go just a bit beyond that to play is safe against unpredictable BPD factors.

It would be difficult to fabricate months weeks or any respectable amount of journals, and while theoretically they could be dishonest accounts of your doings, that is what the reciepts, pictures, scrap book type stuff is meant to corroberate your entries.

[Whichwayisup]

How a journal can help yourself to remember things, I understand.

How a journal can help in a case I don't. How can something be evidence that you made yourself. You could have written it an hour before trial, or not?

In the midst of enforced alienation and having contact dictated to me rather than agreed, I can evidence a behavioural pattern through our e-messages to demonstrate last minute requests and a lack of co-ordination and planning.  (I can also demonstrate my requests to prevent this pattern.  My L has (prior to mediation even being setup- sent her L a letter to express the concerns and difficulties this is impacting to the children.  He has verified and made reference to this as evidence of unwelcome activity/withholding information etc. 

It makes me feel much better also that I have this support and am able to do something no matter how small but a positive move to place it on record at this stage.

I also agree with the point that cataloguing these behaviours can have a longer term purpose to involve the children when they are older and seek resolution about how these things transpired and what positions we were put in at the time.  I want to behave with dignity so that my kids one day are proud of my actions (not that they will understand for such a long time)

Whichwayisup

[Gottagonow]

How documentation can help, Let me count the ways, 1) I got sole custody of my kids and them away from a monster. Yep, That is about it.

Honestly, I was told by my L that a Judge is not going to give a hoot about the problems between the ex & myself. We are grown adults (or at least supposed to be) and we can choose to stay or leave. Other than that, Judge won’t care. Where it came in handy was in proving that STBX was mean and abusive to the kids. Judges do not like that. How is something one created useful as evidence? 1) It helps refresh your memory of things that happened a long time ago, as time passes memories get fuzzy, 2) When journals are properly assembled and there is an entry about something terrible that happened and you have a picture or email or dated text message included to document the date, it is hard to lie. & trust me, me STBX lied her pants off on the witness stand but every lie had a dated document,email,text,facebook post to support my claims and disprove her lies. The Judge in our case saw right through her and let her know it at the end when he awarded me 100% custody and zero visitation for her. Documentation is good

[mamachelle]

Great thread.  In 2009 I took pictures of my exes text messages off my DD 's ( then 12) non smart phone... .  blew them up as single images and printed them as 8.5x11 sheets of paper. I took my DD (then 9) drawing of herself with arms crossed saying in big bold letters... . I don't want to go to Mexico- scanned... . and printed on same white office  paper and put it all together in  a packet  for the GAL. It was very effective--

in my case to show his instability with the content of the messages and my DD very honest fear of being taken to Mexico by her dad... .  He is Mexican but was threateningly talking of taking them there. At any rate... .  Documentation good-- nice presentation of documentation ... .  Priceless