The Futility of a Self Defeating Re-Union: Only a Matter of Time For More Tears

[Surrender]

I wanted to write this thread because after almost 4 weeks without contact my ex U-BPD reached out and called me. For those that haven't read the story he dumped me 12 days after I returned from having spent a few months with him and we were making plans to live/marry and have me return permanently to live with him.

The first time he called me it was 1:30am on a Saturday night, I didn't answer the phone. He sent two emails and I did not respond. Finally by Monday night he used a calling card that made it look like I was receiving a local call. I picked up the phone and it was him. My heart skipped and I wanted nothing more than to live in that very moment. The first thing he said to me was "why don't you want to talk to me?" The second thing he wanted to know was why I didn't fight for him? The third thing he wanted to know was why I never reached out to him if I loved him after he broke up with me? Why didn't I FIGHT FOR HIM even though he dumped me?

He told me that he was grateful that I had picked up finally because he was going to resort to begging me if he had to. He thanked me for sparing him the indignity of doing so even though he was not going to hesitate. This is how the beginning of our conversation went and I suddenly found myself being so relieved to hear his voice which is music to my soul because it screamed that he was in agony too and loved me as much as I love him. I had spent 4 weeks in what I can only describe as feeling like I was bleeding to death. I know this sounds dramatic but honestly it is the truth of how my soul was/is grieving the loss of his presence. I felt like life was completely wrong without him and my entire world was literally falling apart disappearing inside a great emptiness without him. That is how powerful a connection our enmeshment is. I truly felt and feel like a heroin junky and I don't do drugs.

How is this possible? How can a person feel mortally compromised and lost to live life without their partner? I have had r/s but I have never experienced anything as powerful as this with anyone, not even close. It has rocked my entire world and I feel almost obsessed because every waking moment feels like it is directed to him in thought. It is driving me insane because the intensity is like a fire that can't be extinguished and it doesn't ever let up unless I'm with him. When I'm with him I'm still immersed in him and I find without even thinking that EVERYTHING is and feels like it is about him. It is unsettling to say the least.  

After talking to him and telling him that there was no way I could be friends with him because I loved him too much, that because of this love it had to be all or nothing he suddenly shifted. We spoke at length about his distortions and fears and how hard he was on me when he felt that I did something to hurt him or that was wrong. He admitted that he was never as hard on anyone as he is on me. He did not deny how punitive he is correcting my errors. That because he loves me the way he does and holds me in such high esteem (white) he has to be hard on me when I do things that hurt him and make him feel betrayed and lied to in my actions.

He was justifying punishing me when I falter and disappoint him. He was right in doing this to teach me and in so doing correct what was so clearly wrong. My behavior should always be appropriate and always reflect reflect my love for him and full respect so that all can see and never have anything to question because my actions reflect on him. My actions speak whether I am loyal, devoted and what is to his eyes 'a good wife'. That is the reason why when I screw up he is so hard on me, "don't you see baby that you leave me no option when you hurt me or behave in a way that brings into question your morals forcing me to question your integrity and your love for me"? "If you Love me than you need to behave in a way that reflects that in all your actions to the world and in this way you are giving me respect as your husband (we are not married but he used the word). A r/s is based on trust but if your actions betray that trust than we can't have a r/s and nor are you worthy of being my wife. A r/s is based on trust but if you erode that trust than we have nothing and these were the many reasons why I broke it off".

After talking about my perspective and exchanging accounts through our own eyes he relaxed and wanted to give it another try, this time getting it straight now that we both knew what not to do.

This is how the conversation went and he said these things with love mind you. I know it will be difficult to read this but in his mind he was speaking with absolute love wanting nothing more than being back together. He felt fully justified in everything he said and wants to hold me to behaving appropriately in his eyes. Here is where the black and white come in, the complete devaluing if he sees something that he interprets as 'inappropriate'. If he sees this it is like a Tsunami that builds until finally its destructive power is unleashed. He can ruminate over one action I have done for days and build it until finally the devaluing shows up and it can last for weeks.

The things he is speaking to with regards to not trusting me and being so hard on me have to do with small examples that a normal person may not have liked, they were not horrible or a betrayal. We are talking about hugging and kissing his friend who years ago made a pass at my bf's ex girlfriend while they were all in a  room. My ex relives that like it happened yesterday as though time has not passed, it is fresh in his mind and there is no undoing that for all eternity. So when I hugged and kissed his friend hello I was literally betraying my ex and disrespecting him in the worst way in front of his enemy. I was punished over this for 2 months straight. They involve me hugging my friend twice when he was really upset and afraid because he was going through a bad time so I comforted him in front of my ex by giving him hugs.

They involve me not asking my ex to sit beside me when we were visiting friends as well as noticing that I did not talk to him much but instead spoke more to the people we were visiting. For my ex I was ignoring him and behaved in a manner that told him I didn't love him. That my actions said I did not love him or respect him or put him first. I should always act in a way that puts him first and foremost. They were about me talking to the starbucks cute guy in my native language who happened to be from my home town Madrid. They were about me asking for directions to the hot Rastafarian young man who laughed and told me a couple of jokes and I retorted by laughing with him. My ex was furious that I was laughing with another man who happened to be handsome and having a great time noting that I wasn't having that kind of a good time with him. This hurt him deeply and he was 'off' for days.  

They were about small every day things that somehow seemed to be a series of betrayals that literally ruminated inside my ex until they grew and blew up. He made it all sound so rational and true. He made it all sound logical and true. He made it all sound like I had indeed behaved in a manner that betrayed my loyalty and love for him which pushed him to question my motives and whether I truly loved him, whether he could trust me? It all sounded right and true and I believed that I had indeed given him the ammunition to believe that I had behaved in ways to make him question me naturally.

I felt bad and was desperate to never act like that again or give him cause to question my love, loyalty or devotion ever again. I was sure he was correct in his assessment of the situation and loved that he wanted such loyalty with clear safe boundaries to make us both feel that we loved each other more than anything in the world. He was calmed with my response and I was calmed by his. He told me that he was a 1950's man and expected my behavior to reflect those values in a showing of my love for him behaving appropriately like a lady at all times married and loyal in behavior. It felt like protection to me and a protection that I craved and only he gave me. I only ever felt safe and protected in his love more than anyone in my entire life. I felt like I needed what he was doing to me in keeping me close to him in all things. I liked that stern line which somehow brought the woman out in me even more so. I can't explain it but that is how it feels and it made me want him more. This especially manifested in me sexually. I can't deny this part of me that deeply yearns and loves that, maybe even feels I need that. This again might be a difficult thing for some to read and is indicative of many other things.

So the conversation continued and I was at last in a peace after four weeks of hell and torment, I was home. I wanted to cling to his voice and when I heard him say "yes let's give this an honest go, let's give this another 3 months living together and that will determine if we are meant to be together and if we can do this" I wanted desperately to believe.

As you read this you will find many things wrong here and that is the reason why I am writing it down as I truly feel it. I know I am utterly distorted within his reality. I don't know and can't ascertain what is real when I am back in his world and enmeshed. I am him, he is me. ?

That night I woke up shaking violently and crying. The tears were pouring out of me and I felt a loss complete or the prophecy of a loss complete. I couldn't stop crying for hours and somehow knew even though I did NOT want to see it or recognize that even though my conscious mind was shut off from the truth and willing to dive in with my Spartan Lover even if it meant to the end of the earth, even if it meant to the end of a cliff... .  everything in my body and other consciousness was already responding to an answer that I did not want to know. That answer was the grim reaper who I was fleeing from.

I couldn't deny that I was feeling like I was prophetically grieving a death that almost cost me my life, that I wanted to cost me my life. This might be hard for some to read but I am writing it as I am truly experiencing this all. I would die for him... .  yet I know he is killing me slowly and the truth is I feel like I am bleeding to death with or without him. There is no easy way out and there is no winning. We lose either way and the cost is great regardless.

So even though he is renewed as I write this with this hope of 'us' I sit here writing this, the futility of a self-destructive re-Union where it is only a matter of time before the rain comes down in tears, drowning me once again in the ocean of agony severed from him for the price of my life. A life that will feel half lived in the void without him. So I trade this love for what it is in both good and bad for what? A suffering loneliness empty of a Soul Mate that may be just the figment of my imagination?

I can't help but feel that I'm not winning anything in this sacrifice. I am living in the dread of the 'real' moment where I will need to once and for all pull away. Nothing in my being looks forward to a world without him in it and I can't imagine it being better. Better than what? A life where I might never meet anyone I can truly love? I sit here dumbfounded over it all. Can't win for losing.

This illness is a most cruel and seductive killer leaving nothing but the sand and bones of a Soul's Love that echo in memory forever.

I am equipping myself once again because the end is inevitable, no matter how much we want to love them it just seems so futile and painful. Painful with them and painful without them, so which pain grants life?

That is the question and although it appears that clinging to any love 'feels' like the answer in truth it is the opposite when there is more pain than happiness and stability, no matter how difficult a thing that is to reconcile with. One must give themselves over to time once the decision has been made to step out on a limb.

[Surrender]

What I wanted to add is that this is a truthful account in all it's dys-functional glory. Here is where we can truly see how truly upside down the world can become and yet I can swear it's right side up. There is a part of me that is willing to recognize some truths but presently more of me is still clinging to denial and a desperation to want to believe. I want to believe when he tells me that he feels a that he is responsible to care for me and protect me. That he feels he is my guardian. I want to believe these things.

Yet?

I am fighting myself even though I see at least in part, the sad reality of the situation. Now comes the part where I love myself enough to go through what ever process I require whether that means continuing to speak with him or see him for a time I'm not sure? I'm finished beating myself up about it and want to do this slowly because I can't handle any more drastic shocks or cruel reality checks. I don't want to tough love myself in the height of so much vulnerability because I feel like I am trying to maintain my sanity and a sense of tiny stability. Slow and easy maybe, not sure? Don't know if I care to figure that part out yet as I try and just come to the realization of this all. I have this feeling however that there isn't much left in me to endure much more of this unstable life with him. I want to outweigh the amount of grief vs happiness with him and say it's worth it but if that were so I would never have woken up that night after speaking with him and re-uniting in total state of grieving and loss.

And why do I feel like he is so much like me? I am beginning to be alarmed by that but throughout the r/s we were almost twin like there were so many similarities. It was as though we were completely synchronized in habits, tastes, beliefs, loves, hates, morals, small habits, large habits you name it.

It really screws with you head big time and I don't know what to make of it all?

[maria1]

Hi Cryingwings

I understand some of how you are feeling. I understand the feeling that you may have to go back in even though you know it will kill you.

I don't understand why some of us have this but I do liken people like us to heroin addicts. Heroin addicts understand that heroin will kill them. But they choose to do that not just because of the physical addiction but because there is a feeling deep down that it doesn't really matter that they may die. It's a slow type of suicide.

I have wondered whether I would have got back with my exBPD if I didn't have children to save me. I don't want him anywhere near them. But he would have become more abusive and I think I would have got out but I really don't know.

I choose me now. It feels good but I need some work still.

You know that he will hurt you. There is actually a chance he will kill you. He tried to choke you once didn't he? You can dismiss that if you want to but I really want you to take it seriously. His words are the words of a violent abuser. If you don't act as he believes is the right way, it will be 'your fault' that he punishes you. He will have 'no choice'. This is very, very dangerous.

You don't want to believe that he is as bad as he actually is. I don't want to believe my ex is as bad as he is. It is unbelievable.

So possibly you want to go back in to prove it to yourself once and for all? I believe this can be helpful in detaching and my contacts with my ex have helped me see the real him. BUT it really isn't safe for you to do so.

In his mind you left him. There will be a punishment for the time that you have spent apart.

Please put your safety above all else.

Please try and turn this into an exploration of why you value yourself so little that you think it's OK and 'safe' to be treated so badly.

That night I woke up shaking violently and crying. The tears were pouring out of me and I felt a loss complete or the prophecy of a loss complete. I couldn't stop crying for hours and somehow knew even though I did NOT want to see it or recognize that even though my conscious mind was shut off from the truth and willing to dive in with my Spartan Lover even if it meant to the end of the earth, even if it meant to the end of a cliff... .  everything in my body and other consciousness was already responding to an answer that I did not want to know. That answer was the grim reaper who I was fleeing from

You know how much damage this man can do but it is incredibly painful to face. Please face it with us because it is the truth.

If you can, read about abusive relationships. Read about trauma bonding. Read, read and read about abusive men.

And keep away. Or go back to be emotionally and physically abused, or worse. I understand it feels like you will die if you detach but you won't. It will be hard but you can do it- you were already on your way before he contacted you. I'm so sorry it feels so bad right now. 

www.youtu.be/lNJjEZoRKqM

[Surrender]

Thank you Maria1 I'm working through this as best as I can. It is not easy because I find he makes the most amount of sense more so than anyone around me. It has always been this way and he is able to reason through his fears and often his actions. He doesn't understand his mood dysregulation and sudden shifts but only to say that he is hyper-acute-sensitive, feelings actually feel like pain inside him.

Our last conversation dealt with 'upholding one another' in both our actions and considerations. This is paramount to him in making him feel safe. The problem is that when he is removed from all his unsettling behaviors he is the most rational and understanding person with such insight into humans and their behaviors that it makes it difficult to see the lies and the mirroring. Before I came along he had committed his life to being single and just on his own path. In a way he was . I have not witnessed the lies but the reverse, honest to a fault. What I witness is all the symptoms and the extremes in moods, rages, shifts, pulling/pushing, idealization to devaluing,  black and white to the utter extreme thinking. He can't regulate his emotions ever hence he is susceptible to everything so if there is one little thing off he will spin and go off.

His reactions are always extreme and take on the vantage point of defensiveness and attacks. The few r/s remaining in his life are always rocky, unstable and filled with constant issues because they always do something to make him feel that they are lying about caring for him. Consequently he has burned most of his bridges with his friends. He is very close to his mother, has a r/s based on love and hate with his father who barely tolerates him and has used him as an escape goat to comfort his wife my exes mother so that he can be delinquent in providing her with the emotional support that a husband should be providing his wife. Here is where my ex steps in on his father's behalf so the r/s between them is one that is of use to the father. There are a lot of fights within the family constantly and in appearance it is a love based on volatility. I believe a part of this is cultural as we both come from Mediterranean upbringings which are often volatile. Both of us grew up the same way. Now for someone who suffers from anything like BPD growing up in this environment probably serves to exacerbate his acute hyper-sensitivity and fears.

Further more he has two foundations by which he lives by. These two codes are the bedrock of everything that provide either failure or success in the world around him. These codes are the provision by which he interprets his world through. The old fashioned code coupled with his  Christian Faith code make it virtually impossible for anyone to pass the test. These codes provide the basis of all he upholds, desires and expects from others. These codes essentially are impossible for anyone to truly measure up to and will often result in the set up for the disappointment that he lies in wait for proving time and time again that he is correct. 

Living with his noble faith code makes the fall greater which is my experience. There is more to live up to and more to lose when you fall. He has created a world where it is impossible for anyone to not disappointment him. Perhaps I am the closest thing to a miracle as his sister tells me because he has been contending with me for over 2 years even through major disappointments that he would have never ever given anyone else the time of day after. This is a repeated theme that he will remind me of expressing that in the past he dumped his exes outright for one single discretion. He described how hard he was on women and that not a single one was worthy except for his first soul mate (14 years ago) and me. Whereas with me I have apparently committed many 'betrayals' to give him plenty of indications that he can't trust me yet he knows that I have an honest heart. He believes that I have disappointed him more out of my ignorance and innocence not realizing what I was truly doing that was hurting him. He wants to believe with all his heart and soul that I will be the one because he wants nothing more than to have a life with me. He wants to be able to completely let me love him without the walls and be safe and not vulnerable. I have never in all my life seen such a fear in anyone to LOVE.  No human in the end can complete with such stringent codes and be measured up against these day in and day out. We all will most assuredly fail but to someone suffering this disorder the failure is devastating and final. He cannot regulate disappointment properly or fairly therefore he is incapable of going through the normal growing pains of a normal r/s that include a life time of learning in disappointment, sacrifice, compromise and understanding without a fatalistic repercussion. Just as his emotions are hyper-acute-sensitive so is the way he ultimately interprets everything in a personally damaging way. He cannot regulate what he interprets as negativity with what is normal, therefore the end result will always be aligned with his hyper-dysregulated emotions which equals failure, disappointment and betrayal.

He believes all humans are contradictory, they say one thing and do another. That all people are liars and will hurt you eventually. He sets himself up for disappointment in this way but is always the victim of everyone else' lying ulterior motives. I have witnessed extreme love, forgiveness and a total compassion in him and in a flash the hater comes out who I call the 'demon' lashing out acute hatred that leaves me chilled because I have never witnessed such hatred in anyone to that extreme besides my birth mother who I believe also suffered from BPD and perhaps other mental illnesses. When this 'hater' comes out it is out of a response of having interpreted something I have done that tells him my actions are in reverse of my words in loving him. The hater sees something to indicate that I am lying about truly loving him and so he responds with hatred, devaluing and punishment in his words and in how he pulls away from me. It takes him a long time to get over one episode. For him it takes real work for weeks sometimes to just get over that one 'perceived betrayal' which makes life difficult because often other things will happen in the mean time to give him yet another mountain to get over while he is still trying to get over the original one.

Apart from living a very spartan and monastic (even in faith) life style where he has closed himself off from the world for the most part in a routine of habits that are repeated daily within range in what is obviously his bubble of protection, he suffers from sudden bouts of recklessness occasionally if he is triggered. I have witnessed reckless driving when someone does something to cut him off. However he doesn't drink (unless it is one of his reckless burst), doesn't smoke is very disciplined with everything in his life and regimented. For someone who is emotionally disordered often he is extremely ordered and disciplined. However a change in his routine will trigger him immensely which makes it incredible that he has managed to live with me for months at a time leaving his home and country and vice versa. I do believe this is a huge feat for him and one that is indicative of how hard he is trying.

Sudden changes of plans sends him into a complete state of emotional dysregulation and anxiety. This usually results in him raging. He sometimes sees anger in my face or eyes which triggers him to respond even though I'm completely normal. His response and reaction to words have a completely different meaning depending on whether the word has a negative association. He has an instinctual reaction to them and to music even. If I play a beautiful song that is about a break up he can't even listen to it and worries that I'm playing it means something. He has a stronger reaction to words/songs/signs with negative meanings and it can mean that it will set him off emotionally.

He suffers from a terrible self image but covers this up when he is not vulnerable with being narcissistic. It is impossible for him to keep a job because there is always some excuse why he can't stay there anymore. Most of the reasons have everything to do with how he perceives them treating him. If he feels they are playing with him he leaves. He has committed two suicide attempts when he was in his early twenties and self-cutting. There has been no indication of self-harm for years to my knowledge with the exception of scarring his body with obsessive picking of his torso and face. His changeable moods can last hours or days and there is never a gauge to know which it will be or what in truth caused such an extreme and sudden change.

He suffers from a chronic feeling of 'emptiness' and 'boredom' that he will often in desperation and frustration speak about which sounds like agony. He will also say that living is only pain, emptiness and boredom. He believes that everyone is a liar and will hurt you making no one safe to love him, that every action and word is indicative of an underlying truth that we spend our lives trying to hide to protect ourselves as being caught as the liars we are. All these symptoms in him happen when he is dysregulated because otherwise his insight into everything around him is better than anyone I know. His gauge in truth is usually right when he is not dysregulated.

He can't control his impulses and like a child will just break out in a rage when he is upset. He literally cannot control his anger and the majority of time his anger is strangely misplaced or in appearance largely inappropriate. Yet through all of this I have watched him fight and struggle against himself to try and do everything he can to keep this r/s. I have seen him break his protective bubble and step out into everything that would typically destabilize him just to try and make this work. I have taken him out of his comfort zone and everything that is safe to him yet he is doing everything to manage in the best way he is able to without therapy or medication.

I think in many ways he has done well under the circumstances with the exception of the one psychotic break when he thought I had betrayed him. I am writing this more for me because I need to process this and return to re-read this. I know in his heart he wants us both to just live in a way we can both uphold one another. The reality is that even if I do this, it won't be enough because there will always be 'something' that he will perceive as betraying his love or giving him indicators that he can't trust me. His blueprint is designed for this default hence it will invariably rear its ugly head over and over again no matter how loyal or devoted I am. There will always be a word, a song, a sign a strange cold wind in the air to trigger him.

I see him never having worked so hard for something in his entire life. I see him literally exposing himself in a way that I know he never has and still continuing to do so. I see him fighting with all his might but I find myself dreading the next shift, the next series of scrutinizing questions, the next automatic reflex in me to feel like I have to defend myself.

I have less left in me no matter how much I want to believe and I know it will be me to sever the chord. There is no doubt he is my heaven and my hell. Both cannot exist without one overcoming the other. Therefore... .  I think the end is simply and tragically inevitable.

It is truly so complex.

[Surrender]

Excuse the spelling errors and sentence fragment errors. I wrote this as I was feeling it and processing it. Ugh proof reading is a good thing and my friend... .  apologies.

[VeryFree]

And why do I feel like he is so much like me? I am beginning to be alarmed by that but throughout the r/s we were almost twin like there were so many similarities. It was as though we were completely synchronized in habits, tastes, beliefs, loves, hates, morals, small habits, large habits you name it.

It really screws with you head big time and I don't know what to make of it all?

Read about mirroring. He copies you. BPD's do.

Don't let it get into your head. It's an illness. Not your illness.

[Surrender]

Quote From VeryScared

"Read about mirroring. He copies you. BPD's do.

Don't let it get into your head. It's an illness. Not your illness."


This is what is so profoundly disturbing to me and I am recognizing this the more I reflect on the past. So when they are not occupied in the endeavor of mirroring what or who are they? How does one see their true identity and who they really are?

How does one set themselves apart from them while still in a r/s to be able to see the mirror completely slip revealing who they really are without us for them to mirror?

[patientandclear]

I read about mirroring after my ex left me & it helped me somewhat to understand that powerful feeling of unity and soul-mateness I experienced with him.  But when I REALLY grasped how real & powerful it is was when he reconnected with the woman he dated before me. I'd never taken that r/s very seriously b/c he minimized it to me & I'd heard from mutual friends that she was deeply religious, wanted kids, wouldn't have sex before marriage, and needed her partner to share her faith. I knew my ex "really" is profoundly anti-religious (due in part to abuse he endured at the hands of his fundamentalist family & a priest); he broke up w/me saying he wasn't up for childrearing (he has adult kids, I have a younger child); he was loving and warmly sexual w/me.

I was blown away to learn that, when he turned back to her, he was "seriously considering" having babies with her, converting to her faith, etc.

It killed me b/c I felt he was willing to make profound changes out of love for her, when he wouldn't "even" work on his tendency to flee rather than work together on problems, which was what I'd asked.

But eventually he left her too, despite his promises & supposed genuine interest in meeting her needs & matching her interests. He wasn't "one" with eithedr of us in fact. He was mirroring like his life depended on it. He is VERY good at it.  They evoke that feeling of a unique tie & connection, but that is only part of the story.  I think we all have to gain a degree of detachment from that feeling of perfect union, because it is significantly false, even if we are staying.  Feeling captive to that intoxicating feeling of union can filter into our decision-making in an unhelpful way.

[VeryFree]

So when they are not occupied in the endeavor of mirroring what or who are they? How does one see their true identity and who they really are?

The biggest step we have to make is to don't bother about these questions.

We will never know which person really is behind the mirror.

We will never know if that person is the real person or just our mirror or the mirror of somebody else.

We have to make a choice: do we want to live with a person we don't know and maybe never will know, but who we love, or don't we?

[Surrender]

Patientandclear and VeryScared ... .  any mirror regardless is a mirror I don't want to live with. It doesn't matter the identity in that moment for what ever that mirror is reflecting. It is sadly irrelevant even in Love? We can know parts and pieces but we cannot base a relationship on bits and pieces.

[VeryFree]

I agree CryingWings, but it's a decision everbody has to make for himself.

The hard part is realising that we're mirrored. That our SO is a different person than we fell in love with.

[Surrender]

I agree CryingWings, but it's a decision everbody has to make for himself.

The hard part is realising that we're mirrored. That our SO is a different person than we fell in love with.

Truly is confusing. I would have loved to have known what he was like before me. It would make it easier to see the mirroring. Do they continue to mirror when we are not around? Do they live their lives by mirroring those around them one to another? And when they aren't mirroring what and what are they then?

Sorry I'm just trying to break this down a bit further. Is life for them one schema after the other that they pick up from those around them without ever having something solid inside themselves that is their 'core' identity? Or can they have some type of a 'core' identity and pick the rest up?

[VeryFree]

I really don’t know, but I think they are always mirroring. My stbx and I separated more than four months ago. I haven’t seen her in about two months and the only contact we have is email. Those mails aren’t the mirroring kind: they are the projecting kind.

From outsiders I hear she is doing a lot of things I did while we were together. Things she said she didn’t like. Seems like for a part she still post-mirroring me. I hope she very soon finds a very nice, reasonable, loveable SO, and mirrors his behavior.

About a core-identity: I think their core-identity is BPD. They are a chameleon…

[maria1]

Cryingwings-

Have you ever picked up on something somebody you really like does? Got into something because they do? I'm trying to think of an example but you might have started wearing a particular style or listening to a type of music.

Think back to when you were a teenager.

I remember going to see the Royal Shakespeare company for a schook trip and I wore an Aaron jumper and read Shakespeare all weekend.

Or you might have been a punk or a goth when you were a teenager? It's a little bit like that, as I understand it. I've become more secure in my identity as I've matured but I can remember 'trying on' identities a little when younger.

I think they still feel that identity but its shaky without being reinforced by the person's presence. But they usually have other people to mirror too so they are ok. Your ex will be ok. He will find someone else if he hasn't already.

You need to look after you.