Lost, scared, confused but still in love

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm deeply in love with a man I've been with for 3 years now. Two years ago, my 2 children (boy11 & girl10) and I moved into a home with him. He is amazing with my kids. they adore him. He has been amazing with me too. I felt like all my dreams came true, he is so loving and caring.

There is another side to him though. Just months after moving in together I came to realize he is an alcoholic. We have both done a pretty good job of shielding the kids from his drunken rages. On top of the drinking he has these "manic like episodes" where he has disappeared for days at a time. he says really mean hateful things telling me we are over. but then days later comes back apologizing for everything.

About a month ago I tried to set a boundary and asked him to move out until he could get sober. Something he promised he was working on. Then two weeks ago I found out through some girl, that he had been living a double live. There has been many girls and even if he hasn't been intimate with all he's carried on, hurtful and harmful to us, relationships.

Last week we started with a great therapist who with many of his life stories and what we've gone through, mentioned that he may be BPD and seems like an almost classic case. She has said as of right now getting the drinking stopped is number one. We both felt so much hope, but... .  

I not knowing anything about BPD have been very hurt at the unfaithfulness and spent the week telling him how hurt I was and was turning to him for constant reassurance that he really does love me. Big mistake at this point in treatment I see now.

Over this weekend though, I noticed him starting to get that antsy feeling (he always gets that before an episode and drinking) He didn't want to go to an AA meeting Sat night but did and after said "thank you for talking me into going. You're right when I don't want to go is probably when I need it the most." I didn't have my children this weekend so he stayed with me (nothing intimate) just trying to work back to a good life together.

Well Sunday morning I stared looking up BPD and read to him about what life is like for people who don't get treatment. It's as if it's describing him to a tee. I was doing it in a, "see, it's not you it's the disease that has hurt." but he took it as, "look at what a bad guy I am. You should leave me."

After church out of nowhere and completely opposite of what he has been saying, he tells me he doesn't want a life with me and he doesn't love me anymore. He got VERY angry and was yelling and was mad that I was crying at the thought of us being over. He wouldn't allow mw to talk or ask any questions. He wasn't even making sense in what he said. He told me God told him to do it. He then went on to leave our home to go back to his motel and went out and got drunk.

My question is;

A. Am I wrong to want to fight for us and believe that we can have a healthy life?

B.If he stops drinking, and with therapy is it possible for him to recover from the addiction of attention of other women?

   

C. Was it wrong of me to think we could work on this better and I can get stronger and set healthy boundaries better, if he left? Would it be more likely to work if he moved back in since he hates the loneliness of the motel?      

[keepingfaith]

I'm deeply in love with a man I've been with for 3 years now. Two years ago, my 2 children (boy11 & girl10) and I moved into a home with him. He is amazing with my kids. they adore him. He has been amazing with me too. I felt like all my dreams came true, he is so loving and caring.

There is another side to him though. Just months after moving in together I came to realize he is an alcoholic. We have both done a pretty good job of shielding the kids from his drunken rages. On top of the drinking he has these "manic like episodes" where he has disappeared for days at a time. he says really mean hateful things telling me we are over. but then days later comes back apologizing for everything.

About a month ago I tried to set a boundary and asked him to move out until he could get sober. Something he promised he was working on. Then two weeks ago I found out through some girl, that he had been living a double live. There has been many girls and even if he hasn't been intimate with all he's carried on, hurtful and harmful to us, relationships.

Last week we started with a great therapist who with many of his life stories and what we've gone through, mentioned that he may be BPD and seems like an almost classic case. She has said as of right now getting the drinking stopped is number one. We both felt so much hope, but... .  

I not knowing anything about BPD have been very hurt at the unfaithfulness and spent the week telling him how hurt I was and was turning to him for constant reassurance that he really does love me. Big mistake at this point in treatment I see now.

Over this weekend though, I noticed him starting to get that antsy feeling (he always gets that before an episode and drinking) He didn't want to go to an AA meeting Sat night but did and after said "thank you for talking me into going. You're right when I don't want to go is probably when I need it the most." I didn't have my children this weekend so he stayed with me (nothing intimate) just trying to work back to a good life together.

Well Sunday morning I stared looking up BPD and read to him about what life is like for people who don't get treatment. It's as if it's describing him to a tee. I was doing it in a, "see, it's not you it's the disease that has hurt." but he took it as, "look at what a bad guy I am. You should leave me."

After church out of nowhere and completely opposite of what he has been saying, he tells me he doesn't want a life with me and he doesn't love me anymore. He got VERY angry and was yelling and was mad that I was crying at the thought of us being over. He wouldn't allow mw to talk or ask any questions. He wasn't even making sense in what he said. He told me God told him to do it. He then went on to leave our home to go back to his motel and went out and got drunk.

My question is;

A. Am I wrong to want to fight for us and believe that we can have a healthy life?

B.If he stops drinking, and with therapy is it possible for him to recover from the addiction of attention of other women?

   

C. Was it wrong of me to think we could work on this better and I can get stronger and set healthy boundaries better, if he left? Would it be more likely to work if he moved back in since he hates the loneliness of the motel?      

[Newton]

Hi keepingfaith ... .  

I'm sorry to hear how challenging things have been with your partner... .  

Setting firm boundaries with someone who is used to behaving as they please and treating us poorly can cause an escalation of that poor behaviour as resistance... .  and with BPD it's possible this new dynamic would heighten fears of abandonment... .  That is in no way to suggest we shouldn't set strong boundaries... .  our safety and emotional well being (and childrens!) is our absolute priority and key!

To answer your questions... .  there is nothing wrong with wanting to fight for a happy, healthy relationship but it's important you appreciate what you may be choosing to fight for... .  

If he has BPD or even strong traits without a diagnosis then he is going to have to be committed to long term therapy... .  and even then the relationship you end up with may not be one you would necessarily deem to be fulfilling... .  have a read of the posts on the staying board and see what pursuing a future with him may involve... .  it will be an uphill struggle... .  or perhaps a rollercoaster ride would be a more apt description.

Substance addiction is never going to help anyone with a personality disorder to regulate their emotions, moods or behaviour... .  the addiction to the attention of others is something you will read about here time and time again... .  the more you read, the more you will understand the motives behind this.

The constant push/pull... .  come here/go away is also classic BPD acting out... .  it's essential you proritise setting boundaries and sticking to your values to protect yourself... .  and your children regardless of his behaviour.  So many of us here have compromised our own welfare for that of our partners... .  we need to change this first... .  

I'm so glad you decided to join us here... .  post, read and ask lots of questions... .  there is always someone online who can help and will have been in your situation

Newton

[waverider]

What you describe is extremely common patterns. You do have a long road ahead of you but you do have the advantage in that he is not in complete denial of having problems, so that is a good start.

First you have to recognize that you cant fix him. You can only look after you and your kids.  The non has to be "fixed" before the pwBPD stands any chance of improvement. Denying the path he probably uses now to soothe himself which most likely comes out as projecting on to you, is the first step.

Leaving him with his own issues, especially as he already acknowledges he has issues, will help him seek more effective methods of self soothing. You cannot do this for him.

Boundaries and not making things worse are the first place to start. Dont attempt everything at once, consolidate each step as you go.

If it makes you feel more hopeful, my story started almost identical to yours. Now we have little over the top conflict and better respect, and my partner owning her issues. This is without her being "fixed" or long term therapy. The thought processes of BPD are still there, but far less destructive... . The RS is not "normal" it is dysfunctional, but it is tenable and moving in the right direction.

[boatingwoman]

Would you say you and your children are in an abusive situation?  Rages? I'm curious how you perceive this.