Hi LosingIt2,
My T and I discussed what was sort of going on in my exBPDgf's mind when she decided to completely destroy our relationship. My ex's parents had a bad divorce when she was young. From what I know her mother just gave up on her father, who had been diagnosed with Parkinson's a few years prior. I know her mother had an affair, and that her father knew, and he didn't really try to hide this from my ex. She was about 12. Kind of messed up. I also know my ex has some deep seeded animosity towards her mother for "abandoning" her father.
Maybe this trauma event in her family history was the catalyst for her borderline personality disorder. My understanding of this disorder is that she likely suffered a more personal trauma even earlier in her development. Maybe her mother suffered from BPD, the scenario you describe of your ex's parents doesn't sound too dissimilar to what we read here in these forums daily.
She may have some deep seeded animosity towards her mother for "abandoning" not just her father but her as well (she was part of the family her mother left). Some people, as a result of this kind of history, might choose never to inflict upon others the suffering they have had to endure for themselves. But I think in your exBPDgf's case, the pain of that kind of abandonment weights so heavily that she would choose to be like her mother in order to avoid that pain: the best way to avoid abandonment, is to abandon first.
I have talked with my T about my struggle with believing in the authenticity of her feelings for me. My T explained my ex reliving her parents divorce through our relationship. She abandoned me. I was left in a disadvantaged and frankly pathetic position like her father was. On the surface, like her mother, she had a nice new home and came out seemingly unscathed.
"seemingly unscathed"... . she has avoid pain which you must now recover from. But I would argue that so long as she doesn't come to terms with her trauma, so long as she is unrecovered from her disorder, she will always be dominated by it. For example, pwBPD see potential abandonment even where there is no such intention. Which would you consider "unscathed"? Going through the pain, grief and recovery of a personal betrayal (such as what you are going through) but eventually with the ability to trust and love again? Or to aways avoid being the one who left or abandoned, but never being able to fully trust or love?
Basically he said her feelings for me were very genuine, but they couldn't override her compulsion to relive the trauma from her childhood. I find it crazy and depressing. How can someone be so out of touch with reality?
Sufficient pain can distort a person's perception of reality. In a sense, the pain you are dealing with right now is a slight glimpse into the kind of pain that can not just put you out of touch with reality, but can interrupt your mental/emotional development assuming it happens to you at an early enough age.
I'm trying to understand her need to be so contemptuous towards me and to punish me with this knowledge.
Try to accept that her contempt towards you has nearly nothing to do with you. You are the most convenient and acceptable (to her) lightning rod for emotions she doesn't have the wherewithal to face. In a sense, you are the surrogate for the parent or guardian (maybe her mother?) from whom she suffered some kind of early abandonment trauma. She chooses to hate you now because she cannot even begin to process the pain from her childhood (from which these emotions first stem).
