His Head is in the sand

[casper324]

I have been living in the same home in different bedrooms for over a year from my BPDH.  When he rages his rages always include he is filing for divorce, we need to sell properties yada yada yada.  Please keep in mind I have been planning on this marriage disolving for the past 2 years.  My final thread that keeps me here, my horses may be meeting their new owner this afternoon.  I can't express how difficult planning leaving my life has been.  I had DIY divorce papers ready to file, he took them and never did file them.  I put our farm on the market and had a first showing yesterday.  If I could show the photo of how he left his room for this showing you would either laugh or cry, I didn't even show it.  I told the prospects that unless they were interested enough with what they have seen to make an offer, I'd show them the room.  They are not qualified to buy yet. 

I could go into details but reality is that other BPD spouses know how scary it can be to force their partners to face reality, I never know what to expect his reaction will be and would like some advice.  I am trying to work a deal with the bank for deed in lieu of forclosure on one property and trying to sell this By Owner simply because the margins aren't there to pay realtor commissions.  He won't sign the Bank papers, he hasn't billed for his business in 3 weeks, he won't help me prepare this farm for sale.  I did give the MOrtgage companies his cell phone number so they could discuss the past due Mortgages with him though! 

I understand I am pulling his life out from underhim, I get that and it hurts.  However reminers of the pain of his behavior caused ME  is only a click away (I took to recording his rages).  I am so stuck and hate this anxious state I am in from it all.  HELP! 

[marbleloser]

I'm sorry casper.It's tough,I know.It's going to get tougher,so you need to be prepared for that.He's accustomed to you backing down I'd assume.

That said, do you have children together?

Whose names are on the deed?

Do you both work?

Who makes the majority of the money?

Good idea recording the rages.Does he ever get physically violent with you?

As for the seperate rooms,I did that for over 5 years at the end.I can empathize with you.

[casper324]

That said, do you have children together? Yes but they are all over 18Whose names are on the deed? Both of ours Do you both work? We had a business together then I needed health insurance (could not afford individual insurance after BC ) and left he business for 2 years.  That company moved and I have been back at the business for a month now.  I had to go back to what I know because the job market stinks.  So I guess since he hasn't billed anything in 3 weeks, we are equally poor!  

Who makes the majority of the money? see above

Good idea recording the rages.Does he ever get physically violent with you? Once and I had him arrested.

My plan was to leave everything and go live with family until I could get my feet back on the ground. 

[marbleloser]

Since he has an arrest record for violence,I'd request that he be removed from the home,you asking for exclusive use during the divorce proceedings,he pay his fair share of the home,utilities,water,cable,lawncare,etc.,,.I bet he starts billing then!

This does two things.Gets him out of the home and you get to clean it for prospective buyers.

If you leave,he can ask for the same and he'll claim poverty.You'll be paying for him to live there while trying to go through divorce.Not a good position to be in.

[Juliecelle]

Casper, I had my husband arrested once too. Silly husband. Thought he could over-step a boundary

The best way to get out of the anxious state you are in, is to literally get out. It will do wonders for your well-being. Come back and deal with the sale when you feel strong enough. When anxiety overcomes you again, and it will, go away... . You've been strong long enough. Strong for your husband, strong for your kids. It's your turn. Time to try something new and put "you" first. The peace you feel will become addictive in a way. You'll have that to look forward to. And you can be in control of it. Tie up loose-ends for the moment, then, poof, leave. Find your happy place. It will keep you sane and healthy in the middle of the chaos shared with a Borderline.

[ForeverDad]

Ponder the dilemma... .  If you get out you can ramp up your recovery.  But then he'll be left behind, the house would get messier, he may restrict house showing and may obstruct or discourage potential buyers.  That's my worry.

In order to sell the house, probably the best strategy is for you to get possession (or in some way get him out) then you can control the preparation and sale process.  You may still have difficulty getting him to sign the sale papers, but at least you would have been moving forward by that time.

Often little gets done without leverage.  Court may be leverage.  If so, beware of making deals without including teeth to get compliance with or enforcement of the terms.  Money may be leverage.  If so, be sure to have the money held in escrow until the potential opportunities for him to obstruct are past.

Separation and divorce is best done businesslike without emotional distractions.  Otherwise the emotional pressures, manipulation and guilting will hinder you while enabling him.

[casper324]

Thank you all for the advice,  words of encouragement and the reality of even more difficult decisions ahead of me. 

After he was arrested with a TRO, he finally admitted he had an "anger" problem and promised to work on making it better.  I let him back.  I did so with the disclaimer that I refuse to be belittled, humiliated, intimidated or bullied and it would never happen again.  It did and the minute it did, I kept my word to him, he is out of my life.  Lately my theme song is Jar of Hearts, I think many of us relate to that song.   

[momtara]

Yup.  Think I'll listen to it right now to calm my nerves!