This is not a test

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

[sounds of air raid sirens screaming in the background]

in a loud booming voice:

This is not a test!

I repeat, this is not a test!

Said no pwBPD, ever.

[MockingbirdHL]

[sounds of air raid sirens screaming in the background]

in a loud booming voice:

This is not a test!

I repeat, this is not a test!

Said no pwBPD, ever.

[Surnia]

Mockingbird

I don't get your post here. Sounds like you are on a tough place right now.

Can you tell us a bit more?

[MockingbirdHL]

Surnia,

It was a joke.  Its not going to seem funny when I have to explain it, but here goes ... .  you know when during the war or at school during a tornado or whatever they said THIS IS NOT A TEST!  THIS IS NOT A TEST! so you know its not just another drill ... .  

Well, I think that EVERYTHING that my BPDh does or says to me is a test, especially when he says it isn't.

So its a joke to try and lighten my mood.

All these tests are lose-lose in my mind, you just can;t win ... .  

[bruceli]

I prepetually feel the same way with my BPDw.  Feel that she is constantly testing me to see how I will react, if she pushed it too far and if she did if I will leave her.  It seems the greater the push than the greater the pull will be after.  In one of these BIG cycles right now.  Huge push this weekend and in a huge pull right now. 

[hithere]

All these tests are lose-lose

Definitely... .  my ex with BPD would always tell me she was testing me to see if I really loved her and would put up with her.  Of course there was no winning involved.

[MockingbirdHL]

Bruceli -

Tell me about it.  I am still in the PUSH with my dBPDh ... .  almost two weeks now ... .  have no idea when the PULL will start ... .  

Right now its test questions ... .  ie admit your faults, but not too much or otherwise you will reinforce his view of you as faulty, but too little and you are refusing to take responsibility ... .  etc etc

Its so exhausting!  I want to just scream - THAT'S ALL I HAVE!  BELIEVE IT OR NOT - ITS YOUR CHOICE!

[bruceli]

My BPDw cycles very quickly.  Sunday morning to her I was the anti-christ and by about 2pm she was cycling pretty well into the pull being very loving and affectionate.  However, 10pm at night, huge push, want a divorce and then by 11pm was all over me affectionate and loving as all get out. 

[patientandclear]

Mockingbird: I'd suggest you just omit the scream & try "this is all I've got. I've been willing & I remain willing to give you who I am--my sincerity, love, commitment & best effort. But I can't solve everything and I cannot be perfect. If who I am isn't what you want, OK, but that's what I'm offering you."

You're right about the tests. The problem is if you pass, it just ratchets up the stakes for the next test, & they remain certain that eventually you will fail, betray & disappoint. Your loving achievements are not much remembered, & anything that can possibly be construed as a failure is amplified.

[dickL]

been tested repeatedly by uBPDw for 35 yrs , still a perfect score . i have and never will pass . i'm in T to learn how to deal w/my reactions in a positive manner

[hanginon]

I'm new here and just lurking posts but it just amazes me that there are so many of us in this situation.  I wonder what the BPD population is?  I have tests all the time.  Not so many here lately but wow... . I used to take a beating on hypothetical questions... .  that I could never answer correctly.  I mean up all night fussing and fighting about something that wasn't even a real situation but how I answered told her what she needd to know about how I really would in a situation and she felt if she argued with me enough that I would react the way she wanted me to... .  if it were to ever really happen.

Can you say Crazy Makin?

Hanginon

[bruceli]

I'm new here and just lurking posts but it just amazes me that there are so many of us in this situation.  I wonder what the BPD population is? 

Hanginon

I believe greater than the 2,3,4 % claimed.  Many, as has been mentioned on this forum are undiagnosed and mis-diagnosed.  Many as Bi-Polar.

[MockingbirdHL]

My BPDw cycles very quickly.  Sunday morning to her I was the anti-christ and by about 2pm she was cycling pretty well into the pull being very loving and affectionate.  However, 10pm at night, huge push, want a divorce and then by 11pm was all over me affectionate and loving as all get out. 

Mine takes days and usually weeks to cycle ... .  the longest was six weeks of push followed by another six weeks of pull.  That was almost exactly two years ago.

Right now we are in week two of push ... .  no pull yet, but every now and then I think he is going to start it when I get the odd text here and there like "I have no idea what to think anymore.  What are your feelings?" usually right after I send a LONG email about my feelings to him answering his questions (tests).

Due to the length of his cycles, I am wondering if maybe he has bipolar tendencies also ... .  ?  I believe he has some NPD tendencies too.

[bruceli]

My BPDw cycles very quickly.  Sunday morning to her I was the anti-christ and by about 2pm she was cycling pretty well into the pull being very loving and affectionate.  However, 10pm at night, huge push, want a divorce and then by 11pm was all over me affectionate and loving as all get out. 

Due to the length of his cycles, I am wondering if maybe he has bipolar tendencies also ... .  ?  I believe he has some NPD tendencies too.

Hard to say because what most people don't realize is that there is a difference between being depressed and clinical depression/Bi-polar.  Hence forth why Soo many BPD's are misdiagnosed.

[Mark2430]

Early on in my relationship with my ex the push/pull was relatively quick, but as things progressed and she didnt get the initial reaction she was looking for they became longer, the longest was a week when she told me during an argument that she hoped I die... .  And a week goes by and I get a text saying that no one will ever compare to me, I told her thanks and I love her and she has a special place in my heart and she responded by asking if that was closure for me ... .  I told her I wasn't going to put up with the name calling, accusations and drama and as long as she continued to do that I wouldn't be around, she responded by telling me the times we were together were amazing but she can't handle a guy getting cocky and she probably wasnt ever in love with me... .  So I told her take care and I have been no contact for 4 weeks, I read alot about BPDexs re-engaging but she hasn't and I don't anticipate she will she can find her supple elsewhere