Guilt

[nonidentifyingname]

I broke up with my BPDbf a few days ago. I told him things needed to change (there are other things going on besides the BPD) before I would reconsider getting back together with him. I told him it would be at least six months, because I don't believe things will change for good within just a couple of weeks or months. He's been trying to get me to get back together with him, saying I scared him and he's changed for good because of it, and why can't we get back together now, why can't I tell him 100% that we'll get back together, etc. etc. It's very frustrating and it feels like he's guilt-tripping me. I'm not sure what to think about how he says he's feeling/thinking.

[Validation78]

Hey No... . !

Trust your instincts. You know what is right for you. You have given him notice already, and if you don't follow through, he will never take you seriously. I'm sure he is sincere (or believes he is) in his desire to change. Now let him prove it. Remember, actions speak louder than words, and right now, all he is giving you are words!

Stay strong! Your thread name indicates that you are caught up in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Why do you feel guilty?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Non, Agree w/Val: a guilt trip is just an effort to manipulate you (through FOG).  Don't fall for it.  In my view, there is no need for FOG in a healthy relationship.  You know something is wrong here, so trust your gut feelings, as validation says.  Also, I suggest that you go slowly and not make any rash decisions.  You will need time apart to sort things out.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[hithere]

I'm not sure what to think about how he says he's feeling/thinking.

Same thing happened with me, I moved out and said a minimum of 6-months and I must see change.  She went to therapy alone and with me, she said she was feeling better, she seemed to have started to change for the better.  I moved back in... . within weeks it was the same-old horror show and it went downhill from there.  I wish I never went back and wasted another 1.5 years.

[nonidentifyingname]

Thank you all, I feel a little bit better after reading your replies, especially after the incident last night. He sent me a message on facebook saying he was going to take the rest of his meds and hope he doesn't wake up, he's sorry for everything, etc. I had the friend he's staying with check on him a couple of times through the night, and he's okay. I feel like it was just another way to manipulate me, especially since this is the third time he's attempted anything in the last month. Things escalated very quickly after I started hinting at leaving him if things didn't change. Since I actually took that step, he's bouncing back and forth between wanting to get back together and saying he wants to kill himself.

[KellyO]

Guilt you feel comes from you, he just brings it out and he has noticed you are easy to quilt so he can manipulate you with it. Help yourself and find out what it is than makes you feeling guilty (when you have every right to leave any relationship, there is no such thing as mandatory relationships).

My mother used guilt as a tool when I was a child. I became adult who felt always guilty. Manipulative people have good instincts in finding your weaknessess. Deal with your guilt (that is useless feeling anyway if you are not a sociopath), and you will learn life gets so much easier when no one can put pressure on you by guilt-tripping you.

My ex-bf used threats like that too. Don't fall on it. I bet if you could see them without you they are just fine, but they can pull this act in one minute if needed.