DS - Living in Shelter - In Denial and gone NC

[truenorth]

Hello All,

I am new to this board.  My DS(soon to be 21) has been living in a transitional shelter for almost a year now.  He has lived away from us since he was 16.  He left the home after cursing and raging at us when we told him the language was unacceptable and would not be tolerated.  We told him he could stay if he could speak to us with respect but if he continued the swearing, etc... . he would have to live elsewhere.  Guess what he decided?  Once away from home he told the families who took him in that I was an alcoholic and my husband physically abused him.  Both of these were/are complete lies and incredibly hurtful.  The families bought into it and basically enabled him to live away from us for almost 4 years while he finished high school.  Engaging the RCMP did not help as they said they do not get involved when runaways are 16 or older. Since being at the shelter we have had almost an entire year of very turbulent contact.  He fluctuates form being very needy to going NC and wanting nothing to do with us.  He is anorexic as well and at one point I told his counselor at the Shelter that I would hold the Shelter legally responsible if he were to stroke out or have a cardiac event from self-starvation as I had made them aware of the issue and as he was a paying resident there - they in my eyes were/are responsible if they see their residents are engaging in self-harm.

Since then they are watching him more closely and my last email inquiry I was told he is the healthiest he has been in a year and not self-isolating which had also been a concern in the past. 

He has not worked for the last year he has been there (cannot get a job) and is on social assistance.  We told him we don't mind helping him out financially but we would like to have a relationship with him as well.  We told him we do not want to be treated like a bank machine, so needless to say we have not financially supported his last requests as he has made no attempt to have a relationship with us.  He has been talking about going to University and wanted my husband and I to pay for it.  We do not think he will be able to function at University because he clearly needs to address some of his issues first (in our opinion).  We ended-up telling him that we would pay for his first year with the following conditions: 1) he must go for help and see a therapist/psychiatrist of his choosing.  We would like permission to speak to this person - not to get personal info but to ensure he is going and participating. 2) he would continue to live at the Shelter while he goes to school, 3) we would like to be able to see his marks.  He flat out refused and said we were trying to control him.  His counselor got involved and tried to pull some strings to see if a contact at the local University would be able to get him into the program he was interested in for this fall.  He ended-up sabotaging that as well. 

He has not been formally diagnosed with BPD/NCM or anything else and he is adamant there is nothing wrong with him.  He rages at us, lies, has black and white thinking, was previously engaging in substance abuse ( he tells us he's been clean for the last year at the shelter).  He has anorexia (also undiagnosed), he manipulates, he thinks he is superior to all and everyone else is beneath him,  he engages in risky impulsive behaviors, not able to hold a job or go to school, rapid cycling moods and the list goes on.

No one at the Shelter sees this side to him.  They think he is smart, calm and articulate and to them they only see his depression/withdrawal at times and eating disorder.

They think these behaviors are the side effects of coming off of the substances he had been using and believe that time will eventually restore him.  His counsellors last response to an email I sent was basically that he believes the time apart (NC) will help restore the trust -  like we did something to damage it in the first place?  So frustrating.  This has been going on so long and just when I feel he is finally in a safe place where he can start some healing - I feel like this shelter is enabling him as well.  I know he has to want help too, but it would seem to me that because this shelter receives funding from the Department of Mental Health in the Province,  they should be able to say to their residents:  If you stay here you must either attend MH or Addictions counseling. 

So frustrating... . This has ripped our family apart and it is hard to see an end to it - I feel so powerless and now that my son is an adult it feels like we cannot even advocate for him when he is clearly unable to do it for himself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

Welcome to our board.

You sound frustrated, concerned and loving.   

Your situation is not unique.  As you continue to read and post you will learn you have us to vent to, ask question, provide insight and listen. 

In return, you have all that to give us as well.

This is one life-long learning process.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve the best life you can provide to you!

[Kate4queen]

You almost described my son. He's almost 22 and moved out last November when we too asked him to be respectful to us in our own home. He too walked out cursing us, and found another family who believed we were the problem. Most people think he is charming, charismatic, brave etc etc. Only some of us see the toxic terminator part. We continued to financially support him while he had major surgery, while he banned us from visiting or communicating with his surgical team, (even though we paid all the bills)

He became addicted to the pain medication, used other drugs to self-medicate his pain in the meantime blaming us for everything and insisting as it was all our fault so, we were obliged to support him.

Gradually, things have started to shift as my dh and I united, got therapy and learned how to talk to my son in a different, less emotional, combative way. This was aligned with an acceptance that if we give him Anything, there can be no conditions, no strings attached, and no expectation of him acknowledging what we've done for him or even saying thank you. Which also means we have to think much more carefully about what we are prepared to lose emotionally and financially and how far we are prepared to let our son fail without diving in and saving him. So a lot of things revolve around changing ourselves rather than fruitlessly attempting to change him.

Recently even the family who took him in asked him to move out, and he's been technically 'homeless' for 2 weeks. I know he isn't because I can still see his bank account and he's up spending money with his friends at college. But he has changed a little, managed to finish another semester of community college (Have you thought about that option for your son? Much cheaper) ditched the pain killers because he can no longer afford the habit and even though he still blames us, he's willing to admit that life out on his own isn't quite how he pictured it.

I've also realized that I can't control him and that as an adult he has to start to make his own choices and deal with the consequences. That was hard.

From my experience you need to find a way to keep loving your son but at the same time, protect yourself and your home and your sanity. Everyone has different limits about how far they are prepared to go and what boundaries will work for them and their particular situation. You deserve to be happy. Don't forget that.

[Vivgood]

Gradually, things have started to shift as my dh and I united, got therapy and learned how to talk to my son in a different, less emotional, combative way. This was aligned with an acceptance that if we give him Anything, there can be no conditions, no strings attached, and no expectation of him acknowledging what we've done for him or even saying thank you. Which also means we have to think much more carefully about what we are prepared to lose emotionally and financially and how far we are prepared to let our son fail without diving in and saving him. So a lot of things revolve around changing ourselves rather than fruitlessly attempting to change him.

Beautiful.

Recently even the family who took him in asked him to move out, and he's been technically 'homeless' for 2 weeks. I know he isn't because I can still see his bank account and he's up spending money with his friends at college. But he has changed a little, managed to finish another semester of community college (Have you thought about that option for your son? Much cheaper) ditched the pain killers because he can no longer afford the habit and even though he still blames us, he's willing to admit that life out on his own isn't quite how he pictured it.

I've also realized that I can't control him and that as an adult he has to start to make his own choices and deal with the consequences. That was hard.

step-by-step... .  


vivgood

[truenorth]

Thank you all for the kind words of support.  I know we are not the only ones going through this situation but at times it can feel like it.  We did offer Community College as an option but he has an elitist attitude and feels only a handful of schools meet his approval.  Whichever - we did stick to our guns and tell him we would only agree for the specific Community College closest to him or the University closest.  It really is moot at this point as he   has refused both options.  My husband and younger son and I have been working with a wonderful therapist/family coach throughout this long road who has provided us with healthy coping strategies and helped us work on our boundaries with our other son.  Kate 4 Queen how long has your family been dealing with your son acting out?  I feel like I am in a marathon without end.

[Kate4queen]

Kate 4 Queen how long has your family been dealing with your son acting out?  I feel like I am in a marathon without end.

I first noticed something was up when he was about 10 but the real problems, the cutting, the suicide threats, the attempt to stab me, the police, the county mental health facility, started at about 16. From then on, it's been pretty awful.

My son is also a narcissist and thinks community college is beneath him, but he's now set his sights on getting into Berkley or Stanford because he thinks that's where he 'intellectually belongs'. I'm not sure if he'll achieve that aim but I'm more than happy he has a goal and will pay for community college for one more year.

Glad you are getting some help as a family too.

[truenorth]

Kate 4 Queen,

I am sorry to hear that... . It sounds like you are a caring, loving parent.  I wish you peace and calm seas with your son.

[heronbird]

So sorry to hear your story, its so hard isnt it. Im glad you came here though a lot of us have been through similar and the same things so at least we understand.

Its so hard and we dont always know what to do, we have all learnt loads of things so I think you will get good support and feel less isolated.

There is many things I have learnt and as time goes on, I feel useless and find it still so hard. One thing I have learnt is definitely less is more. So the more you say, the worse it will become.

Why do they always want to live away from home as if home is a bad place, its odd isnt it. I remember wondering if my home was really horrible and its all my fault because I didnt have a good job and earn loads so we could afford a better home. In reality we have a lovely home, and its not about that.

We do so so much for our dd and yet she is worse with us, lovely to everyone else.

i reckon you did the right thing. We also said she couldnt cross our line or she would be out, maybe thats why she didnt like home. Well thats her problem isnt it. I have a lot of compassion for pwBPD but we cant be abused, mind you, we are really.

I hope things get better, things do change with BPD.

[truenorth]

Thank you Heronbird,

Yes, I finally feel like I can openly talk about this to a Community who understands.  We have a lovely therapist we are seeing, but there's something about connecting with other folks who are in your shoes (or ones very similar)... . that brings some comfort and hope. I do not speak about this openly (other than to our therapist) so this has been a much needed resource for me.

I definitely feel less isolated now

Kind regards

Truenorth

[heronbird]

Hi,

I feel that there is a big difference in talking to people who love someone with BPD rather than to a therapist who only knows what she has learnt, yet hasnt lived with the heartbreak.

Im not saying that therapists are not worth talking to, we had a brilliant therapist and she really understood my dd, she was amazing, so you are lucky there, that is good.

Our new psychiatrist is not too good and has only  known my dd for a short time, yet she thinks she is an expert. She really does not understand.

So that is a positive that you have a good therapist, we need lots of positives dont we