stepping out on a limb

[csswift]

Well on Thursday I had a meeting with my lawyer. She believes I have a good chance at getting sole custody of my son. She is waiting on word from me to file the paperwork. My question now is how is best to bring up wanting a divorce? I'm sure she feels a lot like I do, that's if she would admit it. I am planning to take our son to my cousin's house possible for the weekend depending how this all goes down. I am looking for any and all tips and advise in this matter.

[csswift]

I know this was moved here for a reason. But I put it on the leaving forum because I am wanting feedback about how to talk my now wife about wanting a divorce. I thought the leaving forum was a better fit, but if it isn't then so be it. But that is what information I'm looking for.  Thank you all for your time and support.

[ForeverDad]

If you are trying to rescue the marriage, then yes, do try to work things out with your spouse.  It can only be rescued by both working together.

However, if you have concluded the marriage or relationship has failed, imploded or whatever, then you have to be very careful in how you undo the relationship and extricate yourself.  And having children together makes that much more complicated.  Generally, the advice is to stop sharing information about ending the marriage since that knowledge might be used to sabotage your efforts.  In other words, sharing information would turn out to be sabotaging yourself.

If there have been threats in the past of making false allegations or blocking your parenting, then the risk of high conflict, allegations, framing or worse are high.  Even some who thought that their spouse would work with them peacefully found out that when it came time to

Is this your sense of fairness?  While that is a commendable quality in most circumstances, it can backfire when heading into a divorce.  It's like the Worst Abandonment Bomb.  How will she react?  That is to some extent unknown.  And that's the problem.  Can you risk her suddenly starting obstructions?

What if you tell her it is ending and she feels threatened and vulnerable?  That is unimaginable, perhaps even terrifying to a person whose perceptions are distorted and doesn't want other people to see her in a bad light.  For example, how would she react or overreact if you told her you were going to seek full custody?  Hmm?

She might take that brief window of opportunity to try to make you look worse than her.  Can you risk her doing something to put you at a distinct disadvantage?  Could she frame you for DV or make allegations of child abuse or neglect?  (Those three - DV, abuse, neglect - are generally the huge Hot Buttons society has today and just about the only ways the system will react and even overreact.)

Those are my thoughts.  If your spouse were a reasonably normal person, one you could reason with and not be worried about overreactions, then it might be okay to discuss things together to see how much can be done.  But most who come here to these boards dealing with BPD and perhaps even additional PDs can't risk sharing information that might be used against them or that might give the other time to obstruct a decent outcome.

I recall that when my lawyer filed, the filing was surprisingly brief, it didn't contain any details about our marital or parenting problems other than incompatible or something like that.  My ex was The Mother of a preschooler so she felt had to fight back with false allegations, blocking, etc.  We had been deeply involved for many years in religious volunteer work together, yet when it came time for separation she kept making more and more scary allegations until I actually feared having to wear an orange jumpsuit for a decade or two and be forever labeled as an abuser.  That's how scary it got.  Yes, such allegations don't happen to everyone, but it is a real risk for many.

In your case, there have been some incidents where your spouse already does not look like a good person.  That might be some leverage for her to back off and accept your desired outcome so as to avoid looking worse.  But I do have a concern that if you inform her of your plans, thus giving her time to do something, she could try to make you look worse than her.  Weighing the wish to share information or to be 'fair' against the risks of false allegations, I'd take the safer course (filing before any potential false allegations) and try to avoid giving her time to shift blame onto you.

Edit:  There never is a 'right way' or 'best time' or 'way to soften the blow' to talk about the demise of a marriage.  So don't guilt yourself or obligate yourself to what might be a risky strategy.  (FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt)  Still, you know your circumstances best, so in the end it is your decision, based also upon your lawyer's advice and peer support, people who have been where you are.

[csswift]

Forever Dad, thank you for your reply and encouragement. I have not let her no anything. She has  to meet Tue. with our son's counselor which don't think will go over very well. But most likely she will be there since CPS is requiring her to go. After that she's  got a meeting with her school's central office. She has a meeting with the head of their HR department, her principal, and his boss. To me it doesn't sound good for her. I fear if she looses her job she will be on a downward spiral. Question, the lawyer told me if I felt I need to move out even for a little while that it wouldn't hurt me in the long run. When my lawyer ask what I wanted out of the marriage, I said all I want is my son. But, I am thinking I should ask if I can keep our house, i mean what we pay for the house is about what a 2 bedroom apartment would cost. The worse part is I can't afford either one on just my income. Just something I've had on my mind. Thanks for listening. 

[ForeverDad]

You may or may not have to find more modest accommodations.  A house is a house, a condo is a condo, an apartment is an apartment... . but your home is where you live and what you make of it.

If you have your son the majority of the time, then likely she'll be asked to pay child support.

Most important, if you do move out, your son goes with you.  With the current issues at hand, the officials could question you for your decision if you leave him behind.

When it does get to court, you can ask for possession of the home for yourself and your son.  Some courts or states are reluctant to force one parent to move out early in the case, but with CPS already involved, the parents' separate residences would probably be addressed sooner.  I'm sure your lawyer will ask for your temporary possession of the residence during the case, based on the circumstances you'll probably get it.  The question is what to do while the case is waiting for judicial attention for a temporary order, it could be a few weeks or a couple months.  Follow your lawyer's advice, don't try to hide your spouses misbehaviors, at this point it would be self-sabotaging.  Sad as it is, now is the times for the facts to be known to the various officials.

I don't know what the school will do, but perhaps it will be worked out in the next few weeks, perhaps she will be allowed to stay on various conditions such as to agree to not approach him in school?  You know it would take months and While you do want her to to be employable, the primary focus must be your son's welfare and you can't risk downplaying what happened, it would be self-sabotaging to your yourself and your case for custody and majority time parenting.

Same with CPS, they have a process, often their mandate is to see if the parent-child relationship can survive this, whether the incidents were 'actionable', etc.  So do not be surprised if their response isn't rather tepid.  If they support you with reports that help you with a better parenting outcome, good, use them.  (One problem with some social services agencies is that they're like a black box, if they don't see incidents as actionable or decide not to take action, they won't say anything.  So if you do get some paperwork from them, use it.)