Painted black

[spaceace]

I have read so many times on this board, folks talk about being painted black. I realize it's a saying to show the BPD person has left the building after something happening. And you are done... . game over... . and a lot has been said to be careful for what you wish for, basically , that's what I have gotten out of it. And, do you really want to go back?

I want to share what is happening with me right now... . because in hindsight... . I would have done things much differently.

A little background story. Imagine going to the bank with your wife to sign paperwork for a mortgage on a house the two of you plan on buying. You sign the paperwork, and 2 days later, you are on the street being yelled at about all your short comings as a human.

You gracefully leave and send a text, you would like to talk when things are calmer.

3 days later, you get a call that you're no different than the bum ex-husband, dead beat, non paying child support, abusive, cheating man she was married to... . You know you are nothing like this man... . but continue to remain calm. You ask to talk again later when she is calm.

And that is the last conversation you ever have... .

So, what do you do? In my case... . this was the 3rd separation... . I should have been healthy enough to have said, I am not going to accept being treated this way anymore. And put up boundaries and walk away with dignity.

I did not do that. I grovelled and begged and pleaded and lost my marbles and kept reaching out to the person who was hurting me, expecting her, to hear me and help ease my pain.

Being painted black is a dangerous thing... . if it is indeed true, someone with BPD does this to you... . you do have to be careful for what you wish for... . and you do have to be careful it doesn't come back to bite you in the rear end... .

Being treated like this during a marriage is not good... . it's not something one needs to allow... . and go through... .

And most importantly, be careful of what you write while you are in this place of being painted black. Things that are said out of anger can easily be used against you. No matter if it was provoked or not. Especially not!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Spaceace, No doubt we've all banged our heads against the proverbial BPD wall when it wasn't good for us to do so, yet we still did it anyway, which is why we're all here at this Board trying to piece together why we took such a painful detour in our lives.  Go easy on yourself.  Be thankful that you're out of an unhealthy BPD relationship and movin' on.  LuckyJim

[wanttoknowmore]

Spaceace,

Pleading and  begging to preserve a relationship is human. It's normal to try to save something which you valued. I did the same after break up with pwBPD. I got angry, sad, pleaded,begged and yelled myself.

Yes, it took a toll on my self esteem. I have recovered now from that.

pwBPD is incapable of normal logical thinking once they get dysregulated.

Even if she wanted to act differently, she could not do it as her disorder is more powerful than her sane mind. I know mine did try to fight the disorder but could not win ... . and the disorder won and controlled her.

Don't feel bad about your efforts to salvage a valued r/s... . celebrate your humanity and let her go... . set her free with sincere well wishes... . that's what I am trying to do myself.