Update: "New Normal?"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My disordered partner and I had one of the best weekends in a while. Saturday morning we cuddled for the first time since March, and it was wonderful. We had a nice Saturday afternoon as well. On Saturday evening we had a difficult conversation. I asked her to help me understand why she needed so much distance from me, and she explained that it was because it had been pointed out to her by family and friends that they "did not know who she was anymore" because I have been the spokesperson in the r/s. She said at that point she decided that she needed to be more independent from me. She also said that it was like a pendulum and right now she was all the way to the opposite side of where we were, and that eventually it would go back to a middle position. So I got what I was asking for, in terms of a context for the distancing (although it was hard to hear).

As I have discussed here, I have become involved in Codependents Anonymous over the past couple of months. My partner knows and is supportive. She did say, during this conversation, that she didn't feel it should be her job to reassure me all the time. I told her that I agreed. And I do agree. I just wish she was kinder to me. The transition we are in would be so much easier and less frightening for me if she was just able to have empathy, kindness and compassion for me.  If she was able to appreciate and honor the fact that my whole world has been turned upside down by this and treat me with dignity, respect and love while at the same time she does what she needs to do for herself.

Unfortunately, she doesn't have that compassion. She is a very self-centered person, and even during the best of times she was always very shut down emotionally. I have to wonder now how much of what I interpreted as her returning my love in kind was really mirroring. Now, it seems she is mirroring those people who tell her she is not independent enough. Her catch phrase is: "I didn't notice but since people are telling me this, it must be true." And I suppose this raises questions for me, of whether or not I can continue to be in a r/s with someone who does not know who she is, cannot respect me for who I am and does not treat me with tenderness. I have a lot of thinking/evaluating to do still, but the weekend was overall, good for where we are right now.

And then this morning... . a big scare. My partner is on a very aggressive weight loss diet and does not eat balanced meals. Yesterday she ate half a box of strawberries and a granola bar. She has a history of diabetes but since she lost so much weight, it's now under control. At around 1:30 AM she got out of bed to go to the bathroom. The next thing I know a light goes on in the kitchen and I hear banging around. The light goes off and she returns to the bedroom where she passes out on the floor. She came to right away and stayed alert. She said she thought she was dehydrated. I went to the bathroom and found her glasses on the floor. She's blind without her glasses so she must have been out of it (that is the only reason she would have tried to stand and walk without the glasses on) and stumbling around in the kitchen before collapsing in the bedroom.  She said she was very thirsty... . and that she had also passed out in the bathroom and hit her jaw. I asked her if she wanted to go to the ER, she said no... . she ate some nuts and drank a couple of bottles of water, and went back to sleep. I left for work about an hour and a half ago and she was still asleep. So I hope this is an episode that will pass but it seems to me like it might be serious. It seems to me that dehydration has to be pretty serious to make you pass out and that she probably needs IV fluids.  And I wonder if these health issues, the radical diet, etc have also contributed to the volatility of her moods and what is happening in the r/s... . I have suspected this for some time.

[cult]

My disordered partner and I had one of the best weekends in a while. Saturday morning we cuddled for the first time since March, and it was wonderful. We had a nice Saturday afternoon as well. On Saturday evening we had a difficult conversation. I asked her to help me understand why she needed so much distance from me, and she explained that it was because it had been pointed out to her by family and friends that they "did not know who she was anymore" because I have been the spokesperson in the r/s. She said at that point she decided that she needed to be more independent from me. She also said that it was like a pendulum and right now she was all the way to the opposite side of where we were, and that eventually it would go back to a middle position. So I got what I was asking for, in terms of a context for the distancing (although it was hard to hear).

As I have discussed here, I have become involved in Codependents Anonymous over the past couple of months. My partner knows and is supportive. She did say, during this conversation, that she didn't feel it should be her job to reassure me all the time. I told her that I agreed. And I do agree. I just wish she was kinder to me. The transition we are in would be so much easier and less frightening for me if she was just able to have empathy, kindness and compassion for me.  If she was able to appreciate and honor the fact that my whole world has been turned upside down by this and treat me with dignity, respect and love while at the same time she does what she needs to do for herself.

Unfortunately, she doesn't have that compassion. She is a very self-centered person, and even during the best of times she was always very shut down emotionally. I have to wonder now how much of what I interpreted as her returning my love in kind was really mirroring. Now, it seems she is mirroring those people who tell her she is not independent enough. Her catch phrase is: "I didn't notice but since people are telling me this, it must be true." And I suppose this raises questions for me, of whether or not I can continue to be in a r/s with someone who does not know who she is, cannot respect me for who I am and does not treat me with tenderness. I have a lot of thinking/evaluating to do still, but the weekend was overall, good for where we are right now.

And then this morning... . a big scare. My partner is on a very aggressive weight loss diet and does not eat balanced meals. Yesterday she ate half a box of strawberries and a granola bar. She has a history of diabetes but since she lost so much weight, it's now under control. At around 1:30 AM she got out of bed to go to the bathroom. The next thing I know a light goes on in the kitchen and I hear banging around. The light goes off and she returns to the bedroom where she passes out on the floor. She came to right away and stayed alert. She said she thought she was dehydrated. I went to the bathroom and found her glasses on the floor. She's blind without her glasses so she must have been out of it (that is the only reason she would have tried to stand and walk without the glasses on) and stumbling around in the kitchen before collapsing in the bedroom.  She said she was very thirsty... . and that she had also passed out in the bathroom and hit her jaw. I asked her if she wanted to go to the ER, she said no... . she ate some nuts and drank a couple of bottles of water, and went back to sleep. I left for work about an hour and a half ago and she was still asleep. So I hope this is an episode that will pass but it seems to me like it might be serious. It seems to me that dehydration has to be pretty serious to make you pass out and that she probably needs IV fluids.  And I wonder if these health issues, the radical diet, etc have also contributed to the volatility of her moods and what is happening in the r/s... . I have suspected this for some time.

[raindancer]

Cult - glad you had "one of the best weekends in a while" and the lines of communication are opening up.

About the episode this morning - her eating habits definitely would cause cognitive, motorskill, mood and behavior problems. Half a box of strawberries and a granola bar is not enough to sustain a a chipmunk in a day, let alone a person (even a tiny one). Eating and sleeping disorders can reak havoc on anyone, especially if they've been long-term. Mix this with diabetes and it's a recipe for a lot of problems, simply because diabetes requires a diet be followed and maintained including a specific amount of calory intake per day. Yes, losing weight and maintaining a healthy weight will help keep it under control, but it sounds like she's gone from simply dieting to eating disorder territory.

(eating disorder = a whole new world of underlying psychological issues that tie in with BPD).

If she's passing out, it's a symptom of larger problems. The body doesn't shut down like that unless there's a good reason. I wouldn't write it off as only dehydration - it could be the result of long-term starving, which can/will mess up all the organ functions.

Any chance of having her see a specialist in diet? eating disorders?

[Clearmind]

cult, we all come to the realization that we have needs. Its possible her distancing herself has also allowed you the space to really think about what you want.

Continue on that path of your needs and in time you will soon see if she fits into that. Compatiblity is a huge thing when it comes to any r/s - BPD or not.

All the best and Kudos for going to CoDA!