Take a Self Inventory

[Octoberfest]

I have found that each day for me post-BPD relationship is unique; some are really up, and some are really down.  Today was an OK one... . and each day brings new thoughts, some positive and helpful, and others negative and destructive.  Had a positive one today.

I made a comment in another thread that I would like to repeat here.  I said something to the effect of,

"Our biggest adversaries in moving on and detaching from the relationships we have had are OURSELVES, not our BPDSO's."

I was the one who said it, but it still caught me by surprise... . It made me realize that, REGARDLESS of where our BPDex's stand on the issue (i.e. whether they want to reconcile, or if THEY were the ones to break things off and vanish), most of us NON's face huge internal struggles, even if WE were the ones to leave.  We have days where we question our decision to leave, or want our BPDex's back, days where we lose sight of the reasons the relationship failed and only remember those things that made us smile.

These are dangerous days to have in my opinion, at least early on in the healing process.  We are vulnerable.

I think so often we think, have regrets, and mope about what we lost in ending our relationships with our BPDSO's.  It is CRITICAL that we think about what we GAINED by ending those relationships.  One of the best ways to do this I feel is to take a self inventory.  Write down or just think about all of the things you have going for you.  And if that list seems too short for your liking, think about how your BPDex NEGATIVELY affected that list.  Odds are, even if the surface seemed rosy, your BPDex made that list even shorter.

I think all of us yearn for a close connection with someone else.  I know that it was a critical element in my decision to stay with my dBPDexgf for as long as I did and through all that I did.  It is important however to distinguish between what our BPDex's are capable of giving us and what we WISH they were capable of giving us.  So often I think us NON's want there to be things there in our BPDSO's that just aren't.  My BPDexgf has real issues with handling the realities of situations... . I am pretty sure it a defense mechanism.  So often when I would simply point out the facts she would accuse me of "making her feel like hit", mostly because the reality she had built for herself was not a pretty one.  I have to admit though that I have my own issues with reality; namely, I tried to create my own by being selective in what I acknowledged and believed about my BPDex concerning stories of infidelity and inappropriate conduct.  I wanted to believe that we had this awesome relationship, with all of our problems in the past.

Let me tell you something, the reality I created might have been nice at the time, but it SUCKED when it came crashing down.


I have just been sort of rambling... . I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone or not, but thought I would share the thoughts.

[tilley]

Hi octoberfest.

I totally get what your saying! I've split from my BPD husband 18 months ago after 30 years. Since then, I have had some horrendous days, but I've had some great days also. I'm facing up to 'me' for the first time in years. I always saw myself as part of the 2 of us, and I didn't face up to the plain truth about the dysfunction in our relationship. I thought I couldn't cope with being alone, and I looked at my BPD husband through rose coloured glasses! It was easier to cope that way. But, inevitably it all crashed and burned... . it wasn't getting any better, it was getting worse. Its such a relief to hear other people's stories and how they are so similar to mine. The saddest thing is that my husband is a nice guy! When he's in a stable place, everybody loves him! It's really like Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde... . I'm still working through this whole thing, and taking it a day at a time. A few days ago, I nearly phoned to talk to him because I missed him so bad. That wouldn't have been good. I've learn't not to do anything when I'm feeling emotional. Anyway, thanks for your post. 

[Want2know]

I think all of us yearn for a close connection with someone else.  I know that it was a critical element in my decision to stay with my dBPDexgf for as long as I did and through all that I did.  It is important however to distinguish between what our BPDex's are capable of giving us and what we WISH they were capable of giving us.

Yes... . this is definitely what kept me in my relationship for 4 years.  I kept looking at what he was capable of.

Let me tell you something, the reality I created might have been nice at the time, but it SUCKED when it came crashing down.

This is something I think about not only for my previous relationship, but for future ones.  Being very careful about looking at future potential partners in a realistic light without letting my heart entirely lead the way.  There are definitely learnings we can all take away from these relationships, and ones we still need to work on.

Your post came at a good time for me, as I was thinking some of the same things last night.

[Suzn]

Insightful post Octoberfest. 

A personal inventory is most helpful in our healing process. Wishing or imagining our exs could be someone they aren't is magical thinking isn't it? Taking off the rose colored glasses and looking at our selves and our side of the dance is a positive step in the right direction.

Asking ourselves why we stayed, why did we over look flags, what are my values, what did my boundaries look like then and now, etc... . all good questions to look into for personal inventory steps. Growing you will likely ensure no more rose colored glasses in your future.  What do you think your answers are to these questions?

[Octoberfest]

I have answered those questions many times, both for myself and on this board in other threads.  I am going to continue to explore them with a therapist starting the 18th; to further the benefit I can take from this experience.

Sometimes the most important lessons are those learned in blood (an expression of course)

[Suzn]

Sounds like you are right on track.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts.