Too tired for his petty crap

[HoldingAHurricane]

After almost a week of dysregulation which has included daily explanations of everything that is wrong with me I am exhausted. Maybe its an extinction burst but he really seems to be going all out to break me. In the latest tantrum he decided since daily berating's aren't bringing me to heel, that he would reduce his contribution to the household budget and informed me of a further reduction because last week I saved $50 of the food budget which apparently translates to permanent savings. I empathised with his feelings that he was not getting value for money but that I was unable to subsidise him and he would need to move out if he was committed to that decision. He gave me the chance to "justify" myself and provide documentation to support my "claim on his money". I declined as I felt "that the current conversation is not creating an environment which will lead to a mutually agreeable outcome". I said he could pay what we had previously and mutually agreed or leave.

I am so tired of his relentless criticism, attacks, paranoia, demands, and double standards, I am even too tired to worry about him leaving. Today, I got a text saying that its his therapy tonight and he expects me to honour my commitment to attend as previously agreed. I really feel too tired to go there and listen to his crap but of course, I don't want to look bad to his therapist  . Is it wrong to say I'm sorry I just don't feel like working on this right now?

[KellyO]

When I frist found out about "extinction burst", I was like a-haa, so it was that. No, it was not. And one senior member here (God bless him/her), verified it. He was determined to test every single boundary there was, and then again and again. Me having boundaries was an insult against him, and he wanted to WIN. It was a constant war. None of the lessons here would have worked, because he just found other way to try to win over me. I was not in a competition, but he was 24/7. But on the other hand, I believe more than ever that my ex-bf was more NPD than BPD.

If this is your case, if you have a feeling that when you try to do the right thing, you validate and accept and detach and it only leads him finding new ways to crush you, no, you don't have to keep trying. Remember, this is your life too.

[tuum est61]

Holding, How's it going?  Did you go to his therapy session?

[HoldingAHurricane]

In the end I weighed up my utter exhaustion from 2 weeks of H being dysregulated and my desire to at least say to myself that I participated constructively. I dug way deep to get the impetus to go and be open and constructive. As it turned out he sat belligerently for most of the session and my participation seemed to tick him off even more. Anyway, after listening to us talk for a while the therapist whom I have great respect for, suggested that we have differing needs around certainty (me having the higher need) and my attempts to clarify expectations, plans, etc was what uBPDh was interpreting as controlling and manipulative. This was a massive revelation to me that it could be interpreted as controlling and manipulative and I thought a helpful insight.

The therapist asked my H if it was possible for him to consider that I had a higher need for certainty which was "my stuff" than H's preferred explanation that I was "evil, controlling, and manipulative". All of this stemmed from me asking what time the therapy appointment was and if he still wanted me to attend. At least that was the latest example.

It has been a circuit breaker and H is regulating well and things are quiet for how ever long this lasts. I don't necessarily agreed that H is as tolerant of uncertainty as that conversation made it seem. He needs a bucket load of reassurance and structure a great deal of the time and is more chaotic than spontaneous, if you ask me. BUT... . the session was helpful for me and I was pleased at the insight about how my attempts to manage uncertainty might affect people. I told the therapist I could own that I like certainty and I impact people but I would not own that I am a "control-freak" which is the word he used. He retracted but I am SURE I will hear that thrown back at me at some stage 

     

[tuum est61]

Well , good on you for going through with the therapy session  - and taking what you could from it.

I went to a total of 3 therapy sessions with my W.  I found it to be mostly an exasperating experience. Ultimately I revealed privately to the therapist my suspicions of my W being a person with BPD - which the therapist revealed to my W directly - and my W ended the therapy sessions.  I don't know that I could have taken much more of the blaming being foisted on me by my W anyway - although I could see the T wasn't buying it - which is why I revealed my suspicions.  

It's a fairly common belief that joint therapy with a person with BPD won't go well - that is if therapist doesnt recognize the BPD - since you will get marginalized fairly quickly.  I am not trying to dissuade you, but make sure you are looking after yourself as you participate.

I found the bit of therapy I managed to get for myself in individual sessions with a therapist, to be enlightening and far more fulfilling. My therapist acknowledged my suscpicions about my W's BPD but didn't let me use it as a barrier to working on myself. So to some degree, if you can participate in the joint therapy, and work on what you are bringing to the table - because we nons certainly do - without being made the scapegoat by your T and your H, do keep working with it.

Keep us posted.  

[SadWifeofBPD]

Well , good on you for going through with the therapy session  - and taking what you could from it.

I went to a total of 3 therapy sessions with my W.  I found it to be mostly an exasperating experience. Ultimately I revealed privately to the therapist my suspicions of my W being a person with BPD - which the therapist revealed to my W directly - and my W ended the therapy sessions.  I don't know that I could have taken much more of the blaming being foisted on me by my W anyway - although I could see the T wasn't buying it - which is why I revealed my suspicions.  

It's a fairly common belief that joint therapy with a person with BPD won't go well - that is if therapist doesnt recognize the BPD - since you will get marginalized fairly quickly.  I am not trying to dissuade you, but make sure you are looking after yourself as you participate.

I found the bit of therapy I managed to get for myself in individual sessions with a therapist, to be enlightening and far more fulfilling. My therapist acknowledged my suscpicions about my W's BPD but didn't let me use it as a barrier to working on myself. So to some degree, if you can participate in the joint therapy, and work on what you are bringing to the table - because we nons certainly do - without being made the scapegoat by your T and your H, do keep working with it.

Keep us posted.  

I had a similar experience.  Supposedly, T's are supposed to tell the one spouse everything that is told in "confidence" from the other spouse if they are in couples counseling.   The same thing will happen if your spouse is in private therapy and you call the T and tell him/her about something.  The T will promptly tell your spouse.   

I would not own that I am a "control-freak" which is the word he used. He retracted but I am SURE I will hear that thrown back at me at some stage

I think many partners of pwBPD get labeled "control freaks" because, well, we have to be the stable adults in the relationships.  We're often the ones who have to veto some of the wild-haired irresponsible things that the pwBPD has suggested that the couple or him/herself should do.