Octoberfest,
Glad you are in a good space.
Let's take your words at face value - if this latest development is helping you let go, how about focusing on your core issues on the Personal Inventory board. This would mean the majority of your posts will have the words, "I, me" rather than "she, exBPD".
Best,
SB
Trying to get rid of me huh?
Thats good you feel validated. If you've read about my experiences you'll see that at first their antics cause pain but then it turns into an incredulity roller coaster as you say. I was just like you when my ex started crying that she got married "to the wrong guy" and was moving to Hawaii with him so that she could get over me. "What? Seriously thats your plan?"
You know what really helps? When you are in you pretty much over the ex and then you meet a normal person who is cool... .
My only weakness now is my ex's looks. But she just made herself very unattractive to me by suddenly being married.
One question, how did you go about discovering your core issues? I haven't really addressed that as much as I probably should have.
I did it by reflecting and analyzing MY actions and behavior in the relationship. That is sometimes a hard shift to make, because I think a lot of focus is spent on analyzing, being hurt by, trying to understand, and otherwise being absorbed by the pwBPD's role in the relationship.
Looking back I remember distinctly having the feeling in my relationship with my BPDex that all of the problems lay with her. I had found my faults in the relationship in the months prior and had addressed them, and that at this point, it was all in her hands. I couldn't change anything more on my end to make it work; I was doing everything right. I like to think of this like a math problem. If you put the same numbers in, you are going to get the same results EVERY TIME. It's why I pushed my BPDex to change so much, because I felt that the numbers I put in were squared away; it was hers that were funky and causing us to end up with the same, bad result. It is a very helpless feeling for me, feeling as though I have no control over my own fate. I didn't feel like there was anything more for me to do to make it work, it was riding on her figuring her hit out.
Of course, my BPDex had the SAME attitude. Even if it was HER doing the cheating and causing strife, it was because I made her. It was MY numbers that were not right and making the whole thing fall apart. This is how pwBPD work; they refuse to accept or even entertain the idea that stuff on their end isn't squared away, so instead of addressing their own issues they just find a new person and hope they will take care of them. That is what is happening in this situation with my BPDex and the new guy. Any logical person can see that getting a dog and moving in together given the time they have known each other, the circumstances by which their relationship began, and her challenges and history, is an AWFUL idea and one that is doomed to fail. But it is how pwBPD cope; they hope that the different person will provide different numbers, the right ones, to make it all work.
In this situation, the thing that divides pwBPD and us NON's is that the vast majority of pwBPD will NEVER reach the realization that they have problems on THEIR end that THEY, not anyone else, need to handle.
I first heard of the idea that there could be something "wrong", or lacking, in us NON's that caused us to stay and put up with the abuse from our BPDSO's here on this board. It was suggested that we had a trauma in our childhood or lacked something that caused us to be more prone to putting up with or staying in a relationship with a pwBPD. I read this and scoffed at the idea. I had a normal childhood. There was nothing that jumped out and said you should be messed up.
Bottom line, I found my issue by looking at MY feelings, MY actions, and MY motives. Not my BPDex's.
I am going to copy a post I made in a thread I created titled "my grief is changing... . " which details my discovery. Hope it helps
"I did some massive soul searching and I think I have come to the root of some of my problems.
I asked myself "why do I have such a hard time with letting my walls down? Showing people the real 'me'. Taking off the face."
A little background, for the first 2.5 months of my relationship with my dBPDexgf, I broke up with her every 4-6 days and would come back a day or two later. 85% of the time that I did this it was for ZERO good reason. I just "didnt feel right". As everyone here knows, that is unadulterated hell for a pwBPD (I didn't realize it at the time of course). This went on and on and on until I finally decided I loved her, and at that point I was totally committed. I always blamed this on the fact that I had never dated anyone before her, and that whereas most people had dated and learned about this stuff in high school, I had not, so I was taking a crash course and figuring it all out as I went.
I thought about this a little more, and after imagining what it would be like to date another person, I realized that I forsee the same thing happening with the next person I date. Which means the "it's my first time" excuse is invalid. I had to do a lot of digging and thinking to figure out what it was then. Obviously I am scared of emotional intimacy.
Many times I have seen suggested on this board that the reason we NON's stay in relationships (or even get in them) with BPD's is because we lacked something in our childhood. I looked at this idea and scoffed, because looking back at how I grew up, there was no real trauma to be had. My parents never divorced, they argued some maybe, but no more than usual. There wasn't anything that screamed "this should have messed you up". We were "normal".
I then started thinking about the big picture and it hit me. My parents NEVER trusted me. My dad would often independently verify the things I told him. When I said I was going to a friends house he would show up there to make sure I really was there. My word (even though it was good) meant nothing to him. I also never really got the chance to learn by trial and error. Whenever I did something I was taught the "right way" to do it, and that was the end of it... . I liken it to the analogy about the important part not being what you get at the end, but the journey you took to get there. My parents instilled in me some very very good morals, principals, and practices don't get me wrong. And they also saved me a lot of grief by circumventing the trial and error process. But there was something major lost in that move... . I don't think I ever built self-confidence. I have also always had tunnel vision. I get focused on ONE thing and throw myself 110% into it. But as a rule I really don't like trying new things. Putting myself out there. Because I am afraid I will fail, and failing for some reason is one of my worst fears.
I was always very reclusive as a kid. I put myself in my own little corner and stayed there. I shut the world out. It was only later in high school and in college that I ever started to come out. And my BPDex is the first time I ever really tried a relationship with someone.
I realized that when I was coming and going like I did with my BPDex during the first 2.5 months it was because I was TERRIFIED to let someone in. Much like how pwBPD are scared to let people see the "real them", I was petrified that I would let down my defenses and take off my "fratty face" (a term my BPDex coined. I am in a fraternity and my "fratty face" is when I act super confident and have a Idon'tgiveaflyingF attitude and am generally kind of a "cool guy" jerk) and be rejected for who I really am.
It all comes full circle. I was so afraid of failure growing up that I solved the problem but just not trying new things. You can't fail if you don't try. It transfers to my relationships. I hesitated to let my BPDex in and see me for who I really was because I was afraid she wouldn't like it. She has told me since that THAT was the part she loved, not my "cool guy" persona I put on around other people. And I did; How I was around her in private was TOTALLY different than how I was around other people... . I guess I thought I had an image to maintain.
I also think it is half the reason I stayed in the relationship for as long as I did. I finally let someone in and they actually liked me for who I was, and I didn't want to lose that because god knows if I'll ever find someone again who does. The other half was that I wanted to "save" her.
This may have all seem very random, but I am FLOORED by this discovery. I broke down and cried HARD today as I put it all together... . acknowledging that there could actually be something wrong with me was hard. I just thought I would share with you all. Maybe something I have said will spark a thought in someone else."
Make any sense?
