getting close to listing house but not without conflict

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband and I share a mortgage on our house that I moved out of five months ago.  We make comparable salaries, and it would be a stretch (would likely need a roommate) for either of us to buy the other out, so we have "agreed" to sell the house.  Since my husband seems very comfortable there (I know he doesn't want to leave), my attorney sent his attorney a letter stating a short deadline by which the house needs to be listed.  We already agreed on the realtor, but our PSA is being lobbed back and forth and remains unsigned.  My attorney noted that the house can be listed before PSA is signed.

So, at last the ball is rolling.  I called the agreed upon realtor today (I know him slightly from the community) and let him know it was a fairly high conflict divorce and that my husband and I are in virtually NC.  Therefore, I told him we would need to do separate walk thoughs to avoid conflict/tension.  We set a tentative time for this week, and I emailed my husband, letting him know that the realtor would need about 30 min with each of us doing walk through separately.

Husband emails back saying, of course, I can't tell him what to do.  He can't meet at that time.  Fine.  I can meet next day (he overlooked my question, ":)oes this time work for you?".  He also retorted that I am not to be trusted in house without him present.  When I moved my stuff, police had to be present because he refused to leave house for fear of what I would take even though he's been in house with all my stuff, and I am still half owner of house. 

So, we have agreed to meet the following day TOGETHER with the realtor.  I have not spoken to my husband (except email) since I left five months ago.  When I  moved my stuff from house (with family and police present), he refused to look at me, let alone speak to me.

Does anyone have advice for how to handle walking through house with realtor later this week.  Obviously, I will want to ask questions and whatnot regarding the listing, but these are likely to trigger my husband.  I don't want to put our realtor in line of fire.  Husband's MO is to act charming and to portray himself as victim of shrewish, unreasonable wife to others. 

Advice welcome!

[atcrossroads]

My husband and I share a mortgage on our house that I moved out of five months ago.  We make comparable salaries, and it would be a stretch (would likely need a roommate) for either of us to buy the other out, so we have "agreed" to sell the house.  Since my husband seems very comfortable there (I know he doesn't want to leave), my attorney sent his attorney a letter stating a short deadline by which the house needs to be listed.  We already agreed on the realtor, but our PSA is being lobbed back and forth and remains unsigned.  My attorney noted that the house can be listed before PSA is signed.

So, at last the ball is rolling.  I called the agreed upon realtor today (I know him slightly from the community) and let him know it was a fairly high conflict divorce and that my husband and I are in virtually NC.  Therefore, I told him we would need to do separate walk thoughs to avoid conflict/tension.  We set a tentative time for this week, and I emailed my husband, letting him know that the realtor would need about 30 min with each of us doing walk through separately.

Husband emails back saying, of course, I can't tell him what to do.  He can't meet at that time.  Fine.  I can meet next day (he overlooked my question, ":)oes this time work for you?".  He also retorted that I am not to be trusted in house without him present.  When I moved my stuff, police had to be present because he refused to leave house for fear of what I would take even though he's been in house with all my stuff, and I am still half owner of house. 

So, we have agreed to meet the following day TOGETHER with the realtor.  I have not spoken to my husband (except email) since I left five months ago.  When I  moved my stuff from house (with family and police present), he refused to look at me, let alone speak to me.

Does anyone have advice for how to handle walking through house with realtor later this week.  Obviously, I will want to ask questions and whatnot regarding the listing, but these are likely to trigger my husband.  I don't want to put our realtor in line of fire.  Husband's MO is to act charming and to portray himself as victim of shrewish, unreasonable wife to others. 

Advice welcome!

[Matt]

Separate walk-throughs sounds sensible.  Let him go first, and tell the realtor, "As soon as that is done let me know and I'll come right over."  Try to make it as easy as possible for the realtor or she'll get tired of the conflict and quit.

Talk with your lawyer about how to get this done without any cooperation from the other side, and put that plan in motion.  Then any cooperation you get is fine.  If you assume cooperation - which your lawyer may want to do, if he has no experience with someone like your husband - then you will have delay after delay.

Document stuff that happens, and let the opposing attorney know that all the legal costs you incur because of your husband's behavior will be requested in the settlement;  in effect, her client (your husband) will have to pay those costs.  So she should advise her client to act right.

[atcrossroads]

Hi Matt,

Thanks for the response, and I totally agree that the separate walk throughs are reasonable; the realtor and I already discussed it, and he was fine with it.

However, my husband is so stubborn and determined that I not be in the house w/o his supervision, despite the fact that I'm paying half of mortgage AND utilities still, prompted me to tell him via email that I prefer to do it separately to reduce tension, [i]but that I would concede to do it together.[/i]

In other words, I know he will drag his feet forever, so I just agreed to it.  NOW I FEEL STUCK. My attorney has a pretty good understanding of what kind of person we are dealing with, as he has read numerous irrational and vitriolic emails my husband has sent me.  He has told me that it's within my legal rights to go to house whenever I want, but once PSA is signed, husband will be sole possessor.  However, he also knows that for me to do so would rock boat incredibly, so I have been extremely respectful of husband's privacy at house.  He INSISTED on being there when I moved my stuff, and my lawyer told me legally we couldn't say he couldn't be there.  However, he advised me to have police present, which I did.

There was no conflict that day, but he refused to look at or speak to me.  I can't imagine working cooperatively with a realtor since he is being so cold to me.  My family said he looked incredibly anger and hateful the whole time.  I feel like since I said we would meet together with realtor (or consented) that I must do so.  I just know it will be incredibly awkward.  And, I'm worried about not saying things I want to say/ask (for example, husband has one of bedrooms full of musical equipment - I feel house will show better if it is an empty room or staged with a bed in it - so it looks like 3 bd room.  My suggesting that sort of thing is what could make my husband get very nasty).  The realtor is male (husband's pic of course - a woman would conspire against him) and experienced, but my husband can be very intimidating and also charming.  I am very concerned about how this will go.

I wonder if I should simply email back and insist on doing it separately - tell him he can take pictures, etc. before and after I'm in house (which is ridiculous, but I just want to get house sold!).

[ForeverDad]

I think it's reasonable for the realtor to be declared a responsible professional and fully capable of 'escorting' you when in the house.  Second idea, if ex still demands to be then then you get to bring a friend or relative for support?

Probably it's wise to advise the realtor that you have a concern that since your stbExH is the one residing in the home, he may invent ways to delay or overly restrict showings, sabotage contract signings, raise issues that are inconsequential to the sale of the home, that he will feel there will be few if any consequences to dragging his feet.

Perhaps ask that the realtor communicate with both of you (mail or email) so you are aware of and up-to-date with the progress - or lack thereof.

I am concerned that your biggest worry ought to be the many ways your stbExH can delay, sabotage or even derail prospective buyers.  Probably the realtor should show the home to prospective buyers without either owner present, though I'm sure he would protest that of course.

Is there anything in the court order that says after a reasonable period for the sale of the home, then if still unsold he starts paying ALL home expenses?  Otherwise, he gets to live in the home for half-price indefinitely.  (Or is he also paying half your living expenses wherever you are now living?  If not, then it is entirely fair for him to be required to move out as well - or you pay far less so you are not subsidizing his living there.)  Sadly, if you don't have an order or it doesn't have teeth with progressively stronger consequences spelled out clearly, this will be a terribly long ordeal for you.

[Matt]

Realtors where I lived when I was married told us very clearly that the house would not sell if it wasn't empty.

If you want to sell the house at a good price, you should probably both move out and make sure it's clean - maybe re-paint inside and/or outside.

[atcrossroads]

Thanks, Matt and FD.  I am going to give my attorney a quick call regarding doing the walk through separately and see what he says.  I don't think there's a way around doing it together -- it will be SO awkward and tense and I fear a huge trigger for him (and who knows -- maybe me too!).

Both of you make very good points about the time frame on the house.  Since our PSA is not yet signed, I think I will have my lawyer add that if it doesn't sell within 45 days, he needs to move out.  Or something like that.

It's already been 5 months... . I don't think I should really have to pay longer than 6 months, but I will be anyway.

Argh.  I cannot wait until the house sells and the paperwork is signed.

[ForeverDad]

A couple other members here had similar circumstances with the xPD ex parked in the home.  It wasn't fun.  And the ex wasn't held accountable.  Court hates to step in.  The delays seemed endless and court was reluctant to make firm deadlines, with ex given more time the first couple times before the judge.

You can inform your lawyer that you fully EXPECT stbExH to delay the sale by various methods while claiming no liability for the delays or obstructions.  After all, he has no incentive to comply right now since he's getting the entire house to live in but paying only half the expenses!

Therefore you need to set various levels of consequences.  The first very minimal (so it isn't called unreasoxnably punitive) and maybe give ex an extra 30 days.  Then after that, each new level or failure has to get more severe.  Such as ex has to start paying ALL homes expenses, insurance and debts ON TIME.  Then next level is ex has to vacate withing XX days or face eviction so you can take possession for the purpose of the sale.  That since he is sole resident now, he is fully responsible for any damage to the between your exit and the sale.  Etc.  If this isn't in writing before signing, then it will take months and multiple appearances in court to maybe get the judge to order it.  Maybe it won't go that far, but it very easily could, so you have to close that loophole before he uses it against you.