Last night I cried myself to sleep and today... a glimmer of hope

[BioAdoptMom3]

We have been at a weekend softball tournament with 13 y/o DD.  Last night in our hotel room I very quietly cried myself to sleep.  The anxiety and OCD seemed to running on high power as her best friend and favorite assistant coach weren't there.  Then we found out she had cut herself in the shower and its been several months since she has done that.  She also came back early from hanging out at the pool with the other girls and seemed down.  Well, today after our last game she started beating herself up over not making a difficult running catch in center (nothing bad came out of it for our team thankfully) and then she said, but you know what, I got more hits and stole more bases this weekend than anyone on the whole team!  A year ago she would have cried most of the 2 hour trip home, but she didn't today!  She actually was able to see the positives, of which there were many for her and the team!  It seems like such a little thing, but I know you guys will understand the significance of this!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

BioAdoptMom3     That is so cool that your daughter was able to put all the negative stuff into perspective and see the positive stuff, too    It really is heartwarming for a parent to see their child be able to accomplish something that was so hard for them in the past     Good job, to her and to you 

It actually isn't such a little thing that she was able to pull out of her depression so quickly and see the positive realities... . And you know what? It isn't such a little thing for you to have gotten through the heartbreak of her initial despair and actions, to then react so positively to her coming around again to wellness... . I'm proud of both of you   

[jellibeans]

Bio

Can it be your dd is maturing? How wonderful for her to see worth in herself. I see this as huge step forward. Maybe she had time to think about the cutting and realize she was hard on herself. I hope this is the start of something good.  

[lbjnltx]

It's always darkest just before the dawn.

In other words it is very important that we, as parents, don't engage in the absolutes of negativity.  Tomorrow will be a new day and a new opportunity to do things differently. 

Keep hope alive by being hopeful!  Our attitudes and moods are obvious to our sensitive children.  They will sense our hope just like they sense our fears.  We can do the hard work of learning the skills to overcome fear, create positive, hopeful and accepting environments that give them the encouragement to make new choices and keep trying.

[qcarolr]

It's always darkest just before the dawn.

In other words it is very important that we, as parents, don't engage in the absolutes of negativity.  Tomorrow will be a new day and a new opportunity to do things differently.  

Keep hope alive by being hopeful!  Our attitudes and moods are obvious to our sensitive children.  They will sense our hope just like they sense our fears.  We can do the hard work of learning the skills to overcome fear, create positive, hopeful and accepting environments that give them the encouragement to make new choices and keep trying.

This insight is so needed. Especially for me today. DD has worked very hard to be in our home this past week. Prior to that she had been moving into a more and more distressed place. She had been living away from our home with her bfM since the beginning of May due to cycling into rages. Then she had the worst day I have ever seen - cutting (which I have no knowledged of her doing in the past), crying, yelling... . she and bf were kicked out of place they had been staying for 6 weeks. So I put DD's stuff in my trunk and dropped her at the park - she wanted to find bfM. I went to work. She agwent with me to see crisis worker at mental health and started new meds., though frustrated they 'don't work'.

Yesterday, after not hearing from bfM all week except one garbled message, he called to say he had not left town after all and was pressing harrassment charges against her from that day a week ago. She was going to be arrested. She called the police to find out if this was true, the officer asked her to come in to talk about it. Then he arrested her on domestic violence charge. She did not know this would happen. She was very calm at that time. Now she is very upset - no bond hearing until tomorrow. Will be bond her out? I said I do not know yet. She is feeling totally abandoned by everyone that is supposed to care.

I struggle to find ways to convey hope to her. I am feeling relieved - my life is so much easier to manage with her out of the house. My schedule, gd's needs, etc. I feel a little guilty about this - these are totally my needs, and they do matter. I know she does not think jail will offer her anything good -- she does struggle with having to sign 'chit sheet' for all her needs. But I told her she is strong and can endure whatever comes. She was taken off the phone in tears to lock down. I will go to her hearing at 2pm tomorrow. Do I consider bonding her out? She was trying so hard and being 99% successful in managing herself at our house. She should get consideration for this awesome effort. She has court date on july 12 for DWAI and may get jail sentence from that. Can she hold it together home til then? Is it worth the uncertainty?

Any hopeful ideas are appreciated.

qcr  

[six]

qcarolr

I am a newbie here, so anything I could add to this conversation is limited.

I just want to say how sad I am that you are going thru this awful experience.  I  identify with the feeling that it is just so much easier with her not at home.  on the other hand, if you post bail for her, will she come home calm or in a rage? no way to know and it is a while till July 12. 

She must feel so badly to think that her bf would press charges.  of course there is always the hope that she will finally "get it" and understand that its not ok to attack people physically and verbally. 

there is no right or wrong answer here.  I am praying for you to be at peace with whatever you decide.

[qcarolr]

qcarolr

I am a newbie here, so anything I could add to this conversation is limited.

I just want to say how sad I am that you are going thru this awful experience.  I  identify with the feeling that it is just so much easier with her not at home.  on the other hand, if you post bail for her, will she come home calm or in a rage? no way to know and it is a while till July 12. 

She must feel so badly to think that her bf would press charges.  of course there is always the hope that she will finally "get it" and understand that its not ok to attack people physically and verbally. 

there is no right or wrong answer here.  I am praying for you to be at peace with whatever you decide.

Your comments are indeed very eye opening for me, Six. Thank you for your honest reply. Especially the part I bolded.

So have my attempts in the jail phone calls today, how awful it is that M is pressing charges... . , really not validating her feelings? It is maybe validating the invalide -- her poor choices in her anger at M for not meeting up with her as promised. And now, finding out the possibly he is with a new gf? Jail gossip or reality?

So how do I find the appropriate words to validate her really bad feelings in all this without saying her actions were OK. That she has been increasingly attacking ME both physically and verbally over the past couple months. She has done a good job of self-control in our house the past week. What are the alternatives if she cannot hold it together at the house?

As long as she believes that she did not really do anything wrong - that M deserved her anger - then nothing inside her will be open to change. Our bailing her out would only support her self-justification of her bad choices. I want the judge to say - no bail this time - and take this burden from me. Not sure he can do this or not. Dh and I will have to decide - and he is for no bond, I am torn between heart and mind and desire for peace in my home and love for my D.

What is the most loving thing for her? Can I endure to possibility of her abandoning me?

qcr :'(

[lbjnltx]

Allowing the natural and sometimes legal consequences to come is so very painful.  So painful that we just can't bear it ourselves... . we rescue ourselves to alleviate the pain in the moment, to make the fear of the unknown affects go away.  We can so easily tell ourselves that this is the right thing to do because they are suffering from a mental illness, they haven't the skills or the tools to control themselves... . how can they be held responsible for what they don't know how to do or not do? What will it take for them to begin to see the need to change and accept that they need the help of others? 

Sometimes these hard choices are made for us, sometimes we have to make them ourselves. Sometimes the right thing to do is to step away and not interfere if they earned the consequence, sometimes it isn't. 

Can we let go of the idea that we are responsible for stepping between the consequences and our children/adult children?  Can we find the courage to say "No, I won't... . "?  How can we alleviate our own suffering and let them learn/not learn apart from us? Can we travel with them and support them as they learn the hard way?  If not... . is it more about us or about our children?

[qcarolr]

lbj - it is more about me, and relieving my pain. I am getting this. Dh is helping me get it. He will be here tomorrow afternoon, the first time he has gone to a hearing for her.

qcr