Did you experience this too?

[Ahhhh431]

My ex was always wanting me to tell her about the future. She would always say "tell me how great our future together will be" -- then other times she would tell me what it would be like, what type of wife she would be, how our married life would be, kids, careers, vacations/traveling abroad etc. I find this "dream" future she painted for me to be the hardest thing to let go of. I was wondering if any of you guys had experienced your SO painting you a picture of the future you always dreamed of and how you were able to cope with the lose of it?

[mango_flower]

YES! Wow.  So much!

She was always talking about our future wedding, our future child, where we would go on holiday, when we eventually got a house... .

It was like she could never just be in the moment and enjoy it - always had to have something in the future to think about, as if it would "fix" her once she got it. 

Although I didn't know about BPD (and to be fair she doesn't seem as extreme as some people here), I knew she was a little bit broken, but I thought she'd be fine once I said we were officially together.  Then, once we'd moved in together.  Then, once we had got engaged... . then married (we didn't get to the marriage bit though).  Or once she'd got a new job.  Or a better car. Maybe then she'd settle down?  But nope, there was always the next thing to do, the thing that would make her complete and happy... .

I don't think I HAVE coped with the loss of it all.  I will never again plan a future in this much detail with anyone though.  Everything triggers, everything hurts.  We talked in great detail about how our future child would look and be (we always thought we'd have a little boy).  Now, every time I see a toddler matching that description, it breaks my heart. 

I feel like I'm grieving for a son I never even had, which I can't admit to anyone in real life as they'd think I'm crazy... .

All I can do is get through each day at a time, try to make new goals, and do things I didn't think I'd get to do once I had married her (like go to volunteer abroad for the summer, which I'm doing this summer!)

x

[Ahhhh431]

I understand about the triggers. Especially when I see something or think about something in that discussed future, though I sti desire to do the things discussed in it, it seems like I could never enjoy it because she would not be there. It would not be the same dream. I guess we must now accept the dream we had is dead, and we must dream a new dream... . And a better dream at that, one that will actually come true. 

[Ahhhh431]

After thinking about it, I kind of wonder if they constantly want to talk about the future with you just to kind of settle their fear of you abandoning them. As if their thinking is "if he is planning a future with me then it means he won't abandon or leave me" -- but that fear is only settled when they talk about it, and then only tall about it when the fear is forefront in their mind -- in a sense it would be "I am afraid you will leave me" "if I get you to talk about your future with me the fear of abandonment will settle down"

My question is if the future they had planned with you was sincere of it was just a coping mechanism for their fear.

[mango_flower]

I honestly believe it was sincere.

Like a 5 year old who wants to be a fireman when they grow up.  They REALLY REALLY REALLY want it, they're not lying!  They like to play fireman games, dress up as a fireman, etc etc.

Doesn't mean they're capable of sticking with their dream for the long haul - some children have asthma, a physical disability, claustrophobia... . as much as they WANT that dream, they're not capable of getting it... .

That somehow makes it harder I know.  The only way they can cope with the loss of their dream is to devalue you, cos then it hurts less for them... . *sigh*

It's all so messed up.

[Ahhhh431]

I honestly believe it was sincere.

Like a 5 year old who wants to be a fireman when they grow up.  They REALLY REALLY REALLY want it, they're not lying!  They like to play fireman games, dress up as a fireman, etc etc.

Doesn't mean they're capable of sticking with their dream for the long haul - some children have asthma, a physical disability, claustrophobia... . as much as they WANT that dream, they're not capable of getting it... .

That somehow makes it harder I know.  The only way they can cope with the loss of their dream is to devalue you, cos then it hurts less for them... . *sigh*

It's all so messed up.

That was a really good example actually. I know that at some point people realize that their dream to be a fireman requires them to do some training, and work hard to be a great fireman -- work they aren't always willing to do. It was so much fun dreaming about it, but when faced with actually having to make it happen, it wasn't worth it anymore. The easiest way to cope would be to be "I didn't want to be a fireman anyways" or essentially devalue.

[mango_flower]

Yep - you've hit the nail on the head I think, about when they realise how much work it is, they say "I didn't want to do that anyway!".

I love this board, things just make sense, bit at a time.

[Ahhhh431]

Yep - you've hit the nail on the head I think, about when they realise how much work it is, they say "I didn't want to do that anyway!".

I love this board, things just make sense, bit at a time.

So true! Thank you so much for responding and sharing some of your story! You answered several questions of mine along the way! I appreciate it!