Dont know the right thing to do

[Mitzy]

Hello,

i have not been here in some time. My daughter suffers with BPD at least since age 14. She is now 18+. Turning 18 has been a nightmare for us. She spent 2+ tears in residential treatment and has only gotten worse. Since 18, she refuses therapy (though she was court ordered 3 months ago... . she just got on a waitlistt at a local rape crisis center for EMDR). She has had 5 different jobs in the last 14 months. She has not one tangable item to show for her fulltime work and has not paid court fines. She is abusive both verbally anf physically ( thus the last court order). We believe her pot use has escalated. She will not follow through with rules and wont sign releases which we hpave made conditional for her to live here. She disappears for days at a time, steals, and threatens. No consequence seems to matter. We given no money, buy no clothing or toiletries, give no rides. She often escalates to suicide attempts when we refuse to let her back into the house. Of course there are then all kinds of medical bills... . some paid by insurance others are a fight.

I cant live like this anymore. She called me filthy names today and demanded I give her clothes and other items so she could stay out on the run doing what ever she does. My husband has been done for a long time. I am affraid to kick her out because she engages in really scary behavior, yet living with her is absolute torture. She refuses to call the crisis team. She makes threats and actually takes pills while she is on our door step. She has just begun Voc. Rehab intake but has not followed through with their requests. She has noki friends to speak of... . they only come around if she has money. There is no way she has a place for more than a few days. What do we do? Living in our home is a prison for us. We lock up pills and cleaners, purses, car keys and yet she still gets these things if we have a lapse. I am exhausted from reading, going to group support meetings that are not specific to BPD, and finding no answers. Tough love and refuse to let her home, or?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[capecod]

Right now do the thing that will keep you and your husband, and any other children at home, safe.  That's all you can really control.     

[qcarolr]

Mitzy  - this is one of the hardest of all choices we face as loving parents. We can bankrupt ourselves in all ways - body, mind, spirit. And then we cannot be there for anyone. I can hear all the resources you have accessed - the hard choices are still there for you and your dh.

My BPDDD, now 27, has run us through this same maze for many years. The police have some many times to escort her away from our house. If they came with a warrant, we would let them in. She knows this. You have set much stronger boundaries than we have been able to hold fast to recently. My DD has emotional meltdown, settles with our support, and then gradually relapses. Her typical cycle is about 2 months. She has lived homeless several times - not being at our house at all, though I will have contact with her with some boundaries on the abusive behaviors. When she lives in the home, this is nearly impossible.

Does you D have a warrant out for probation violation that she is running from? My DD has not reached this point yet, though many of her homeless friends follow that path, and spend time in jail. We have deadbolts with a different key on our house. When DD cannot treat us without the emotional and sometimes physical abuse, she cannot be in our house. If she calls being abusive, I hang up. If she is in my car and abusive, I pull over and get out. If she does not get out and allow me to drive away (she stands behind the car or with her foot behind the tire), I call the police or get security at a nearby building (when I do not have my cell on me). Often she hates me, but I will not tolerate the abusive behaviors, and she is persistent.

There are times I have been faced with giving up my DD to my higher power, God for me. Just have to give my worries over for today. He has to protect her, I cannot. If she dies on the street - bad pot deal (her self-medication of choice too) or self-harm of some kind - I cannot protect her. I can call 911 for a wellness check and tell her I am doing this, whenever she threatens to hurt herself. Every time. She is always there the next morning. Sometimes she has homeless friends with her, sometimes not. Sometimes she sleeps in the park (even in winter), sometimes she is on the floor or couch of someone's apartment. She has learned how to be a survivor - there are many resources for the homeless in our community for clothing and food, shelter in the winter (though she will no longer go there).

I come here to dump my pain and frustration. Then I get support and validation for whatever choices I am making. And direct, honest reactions when I am not taking care of myself or others in my household. I often do not make the best choices -- lots of repairs needed in our household r/s's.

Get your tough love support, and make the choice that allows you to survive. It is up to your D to make her way. I get how painful and hard this is. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. let us know how it is going.

qcr    

[jellibeans]

It sounds like you have been to hell and back with your dd. She seems to be able to manipulate you pretty good as well. pwBPD are masters of this and are very good at getting what they want.

Your daughter is done high school? Can't keep a job? What does she do with her time other than party?

I think I would start with a list of values and rules for your home... . we have made this list and written it out so our dd can see it and we can refer to if she is breaking any of the rules. We divided into there sections... . respect for self (under this list we had no SI, dressing appropriately etc)... . Respect for Home ... . (not damaging items, not leaving dishes piled up in her room etc... . Respect for family ( eating meals with family, not being verbally abusive, etc) I think this is a good way to decide what is important to your family. After you make this kind of list you can see what consequences there are when she doesn't follow the rules. I think a lot of these things will have natural consequences but some will not. If you decide that to live in your home she needs to be in school or working and she can't maintain either then she will have to live else where. Does your daughter have a phone? Do you pay for it? If she is unable to talk respectfully to you you could then decide to take her phone away.

If your daughter is on your doorstep and taking pills then you need to call the police and she needs to go to the hospital for an evaluation. I know it seems like there are no consequences that matter but there are always a few. We have taken off our daughters door when she has been so out of control and we could not trust her in her room alone.

begin with a list and see if you can come up with some basic boundaries. From what you write it doesn't sound like your dd will respect your rules so then I think you need to develop a plan for her to live else where. I think if you are worried you could maybe set her up in an apartment and tell her you will pay for 2 months but then after that she will be responsible for the rent. Is this something you are willing to try? My dd15 is found still but I can see the day coming where we might have to ask her to leave. The older she gets the bolder she can be at times. I just think it is important to have boundaries in place. Have you read Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr? This book is really helpful.

[Mitzy]

Thank you for your responses. My daughter does not have any court orders except to get therapy and pay a fine. The police woke us at 4 this morning. She was standing in the middle of the street and someone called them. She refused to go to the psch ward for an evaluation and despite standing in the road, they decided she was not a danger to herself. They asked if she could come home. They released her and she walked to our home where she went through a tirade about how her boyfriend in prison dumped her and she was not even good enough for him... . how we dont just except and love her... . how the cops think we are crazy for calling her in as missing person when she dissappears... . on and on. All basically our fault. Supposedly she is trying and we dont see it. Honestly being validating is so difficult because she does so many terrible things.

As for rules and boundaries, these have been agreed on and posted and signed many times. We have thought about the apartment however, the truth is she really is incapable of working and keeping a job to pay for it. The minute there are coworker issues, she becomes such a victom and quits or is let go because she cant get along.  This is why we have encouraged vocational rehab. We cannot afford to pay for an apartment for her for long. We used every dime possible for residential treatment so not much savings. We are hoping for housing help through voc. rehab. This all takes so much time.

Our daughter has about 2 month cycles as well. I dont want her here and yet ir seems so cruel to make her homeless.  I do suppose she would get street smart.  I am hoping that she will get help and support and not become one of those homeless people.

[qcarolr]

Mitzy - what a horrible night. It is so frustrating when the police really can't do anything to help. The laws are so tight in defining when any involuntary psych actions can be taken.

Are you willing to share some of your boundaries and house contracts with us? It has helped me when others here have given me honest feedback in shifting my focus from the adlescent behavior management toward accepting my DD is who she is and will what she will do. The only person I can control or change is how in react or respond to her. And so my boundaries have changed with that focus shift.

Instead of contracting with her about how she is required to behave, it is about what I will do to protect my own values. My biggest value is no abuse. What your D is doing, in her attempts to control you, is abusive. How she thinks about it is not the important part. How it effects you is. So I do not stay in connection to my DD while she is being so hurtful to me or anyone else in my household.

Yet, I always leave the sign out that I will be here when she can speak to me with more kindness and respect. That is where validation becomes effective. My DD has to be in a calm place before I can feel safe enough to sincerely connect to her through our heart-connection.

What things give you joy, if even for a few moments? Being outside - walking, hiking, gardening... . ; being with friends - movie, lunch, ... .

I really struggle to do these things for myself when I allow obessisive thinking about DD to rule my every waking moment - and my dreams sometimes too (or the insomnia at 3am).

I have recently found a counselor that is helping me find my joy. It really surprised me when she brought this up in our very first session. I DESERVE to experience the joys that are in my life. I just have to set aside my worries long enough to find them. And they are there, even on the worst day. They are there is tender care from my dh; they are there with interaction with my gd8; they are there with friends I am seeking out through the womens ministry in my new church.

qcr  

[Mitzy]

Thank you so much for reminding me I am the only one I can control! I know it but boy do I forget when we are in crisis mode.  It became very clear we need to go back to family counseling in order to stay healthy.  She wont come with us which is ok... . we need to talk and focus on us. Looking for joy is huge. I do sing in a choir and garden but have found this stressful lately because of all the cycling in and out of crisis she has done. My husband said today after we spike with crisis team that he wants happiness even here and there and we deserve it. I am so glad he said it and that you remind me of it.

As for house rules they are for all of us as we are all adults now.  They have shifted over the years because of her age, needs, our needs, and her older brother's. We expect everyone to share their whereabouts and approximate home arrival. If you need mom or dad's help with navigating medical things (none of us likes being aline on these), you must give us advanced warning -2days unless it is accute care like strep or something. We eat together 2 nights a week and you need to be here or negotiate a day change. You are to clean up in the kitchen when you use it, put away laundry, complete any chore your asked to do before nights end. Yelling and abuse mean we seperate until we can both be civil... . we use the words "i need time out". She regularly violate these. Sometimes she is great for weeks and other times she is horrid. We did have no marijyana use or drugs in the house as well as you must be home every night... . these she violated at least monthly and we told her she would be locked oyt 24 hours with every offense. Well she ended up with pnuemonia and a major asthma attack and a very large and stressfull hospitol stay. Yep... . that went away. Amazing where you end up going with boundaries. I just dont think we should have ones we cant enforce. She has no drivers licence because we refused to pay for drivers ed. if she uses pot. She get no rides except for medical and positive interventions to help her life and only if she clears with us and our time. This we can control. We buy nothing but food of our choosing and give her a roof and medical insurance. This we can control. We never pay her phone bill or give her cash or any loans. We did not do this for our son either who is a great kid... . we belueve it stops fiscal respinsibility

So that is it... . feedback? Ideas all appreciated

[jellibeans]

Do you think you can come up with a plan for her to move out?